


Fever

by colleenco



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Anxiety, Bisexuality, Car Accident, Coming Out, Depression, Dissociation, Drunk Driving, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Jori - Freeform, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Questioning Sexuality, Retrograde Amnesia, Slow Burn, TW: Blood, TW: drug use, but not full blown catorade, depictions of violence, jade is clueless, jade is gonna be real sad throughout this one sorry, so is tori, some heavy suggestions of catorade, torvel, tw: alcohol use, tw: car accident
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 51,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27879041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colleenco/pseuds/colleenco
Summary: (Still Updating!) Discovering her sexuality, let alone her feelings for Jade, was already too much for Tori to handle. One tragic accident is enough to put Tori back at square one with processing her relationship with Jade. It's also enough to make Jade regret virtually every word she's ever spoken to Tori. Now, she will fight to create a better image of her personality to Tori, and erase the version of herself that Tori will inevitably learn through processing old memories and stories.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 115
Kudos: 150





	1. august

The cold morning air inside the cabin thickened with steam. Beams of light illuminated swirling patterns in the small bathroom of Jade’s aunt’s cabin. Cat, Jade, and Tori had been promised a weekend for a girls only camping trip in August, a negotiation Jade had made with her Aunt Renee. Her father’s sister was about the only relative Jade could truly trust; she was the only one to call him out on all of the shit he pulled to ultimately rip their family apart. So, since Jade was willing to pet sit for Renee, she earned 3 nights with friends up in her cabin.

Tori reached an arm out from behind the curtain to grab a towel off of the hook next to the shower. The second after she had wrapped herself, she heard a knock on the door. “Come in!”

Jade’s appearance was accompanied by an eerie creaking sound from the door. Forgetting to wash her face the night prior created a dark outline around her eyes of day-old eyeliner and mascara. Tori noticed Jade’s entrance from the reflection in the mirror. She shifted her eyes back to her own face and studied the cut on her forehead from running into an inconveniently sharp tree branch the other night.

“Good morning, Harry,” Jade’s voice sounded from behind the brunette.

Tori scowled. “Harry?” She turned to face her friend who was pulling her tank top off above her head. The sight of Jade’s sports bra forced Tori’s wandering eyes to turn themselves away.

Jade dropped the tank top to the floor. “Oh, I’m sorry. Your head makes you look like…” she trailed off, motioning her hand to her head and drawing a lightning symbol. Noticing that Tori was no longer looking at her, Jade gave up her joke. Jade’s amusement was often dismissed by Tori’s occasional obliviousness to common things like a Harry Potter reference. She was getting used to it, though. It’s the thought that counts. Jade didn’t need Tori to realize she was being picked on to enjoy it.

“Nevermind. Are you almost done? I’m freezing.”

Tori sighed and grabbed her clothes off the chair. “Yeah, sorry,” she muttered before scurrying past the other.

“I hope you didn’t use all of the hot water,” Jade grumbled turning the knob.

“No promises!” Tori called back before shutting the door behind her.

Cat had used the shower first since she had been awake for a few hours. She sang a soft, airy ‘ _Good Morning!’_ to Tori as she brushed her long locks of velvet hair. The girls had stayed up late the night before, telling stories and confessions around the firepit near the water. Tori was dressed quickly after entering her crowded room. Cat and Tori were sharing a room smaller than a college dorm room for the weekend. If it was a completely comfortable sleeping situation, it wouldn’t be ‘camping’ in a cabin, Tori had reminded herself several times. Cat wasn’t disruptive until she woke up as soon as the sun came up every day. She explained that her brother wakes up early to watch his favorite cartoons that air at 5:00 AM. Tori was a heavy sleeper and wasn’t too bothered, but knew she would sleep even worse if she had shared a room with Jade.

Tori dressed quickly, eventually joining Cat at the counter in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.

“So, ready for the hike today?” Cat hopped out of her chair in order to show Tori her new bright yellow sneakers she had brought to hike in.

“Cat, those are _really_ cute shoes!”

“Thank you!” The redhead giggled and twirled around. Tori caught the scent of her friend’s shampoo as her hair whipped around with her.

“Aren’t you worried about getting them all dirty?”

Cat’s excited movements ceased as her big brown eyes swelled with sadness. “No. Why?”

Tori blinked. “Well, um. We’re going hiking. So, you know… walking through the woods might-”

“Oh my _God,_ will there be bears?!”

Just then, Jade appeared from the bathroom. “ _Hungry_ bears.” She bared her teeth and chomped, prompting a shriek from Cat. 

Tori shot Jade a look of disappointment. “No, Cat. We’ll be safe. Jade’s just a grunch.”

Blue eyes sparkled before Jade winked at the brunette.

After the three finished breakfast, they hopped in Jade’s car to drive to the nearest hiking trail fifteen minutes down the road.Tori flashed back to one summer ago. She had attended Hollywood Arts for a year, made several friends, and had made countless memories in between all of the chaos. Somehow, her second year at school was even better than the first. With her Senior year approaching, Tori couldn’t bear to acknowledge how all of this would soon become a memory. She had it _too_ good, and all good things come to an end. She had always deemed that phrase to be dramatic and pessimistic, but she never experienced this reality until she had almost everything she wanted. It wasn’t until she was just a few steps behind where she had always dreamed herself to be in her adulthood that she saw this statement to be true: all good things come to an end. 

Being inredibly sentimental her whole life, Tori did not doubt that amazing things awaited her in her future, but she would always love, and eventually miss the “good” of the current moment. The “good” of riding shotgun in Jade’s car, convincing her to listen to Lorde in her car, finally feeling comfortable enough with a friend who finally seemed to appreciate all of her efforts in the friendship. She would miss the “good” Jade did for her in return: teaching Tori how to demand the best out of every situation, how to never apologize for getting what she deserves, and how to fight for what she wanted. The brunette was not entirely sure if Jade considered Tori one of her best friends, but she absolutely deemed Jade as one of hers whether it was reciprocated or not.

Lorde continued to play on Jade’s car radio as they traveled down the winding road. Cat was harmonizing with Tori from the backseat, swaying her head back and forth to the beat.

Cat also played an incredibly significant role in Tori’s life at this stage in her life. Cat was bold, unique, never afraid to be herself, always lifting others up, and passionate about happy endings. Though she had her flaws, Cat was the perfect balance Tori needed while having Jade as her other best friend. She was incredibly loyal, not only to treating everyone with kindness, but also with her honesty. She was able to point out when her friends weren’t being fair, when they had hurt her feelings, or when they needed to treat themselves better. Tori often regretted that she could sometimes forget Cat’s emotional intelligence. It definitely took a long time to understand how her brain works, and she is still learning, but Tori has no doubt by this point how Cat’s heart is made of gold.

The morning sun peeked through the trees, casting rapid shape-shifting shadows onto Jade’s fair skin. Tori noticed how her friend’s flawless skin captured the golden glow. It made her want to reach out and touch. Her hands did not move, so she looked down to them and thought about what that might have felt like. 

Jade made the girls check that they had their phones on them and that they had service. After lecturing Cat about leaving her phone in a safe place on the trip, the three started on the trail. 

Cat talked about everything, and yet she hardly said anything. Jade was not paying an ounce of attention to the girl’s words, protective of the group’s safety. Tori half listened to Cat’s stories and kept her eyes on her feet that miraculously had not yet caused her to twist her ankles. She was also looking after Jade; she looked lost, but not in regards to the trail. She was _too_ quiet and was not making any snarky remarks in return to Cat’s antics. Tori figured Jade had been on this path before, remembering she had told the two that she used to come out here with her aunt as a kid. Lost in her imagination, Tori pictured Jade as a kid, navigating the woods with wide eyes and breathing in the fresh air. She saw a hopeful, curious, driven young girl who held the world in her hands and absolutely no idea just how talented she would be when she was older. _Maybe Jade’s remembering the last time she was here,_ Tori thought.

“Jade,” Cat began, interrupting Tori’s daydream, “you’re a _liar!”_

“The broody girl stopped ahead of them and turned around. “What?”

“If the bears were hungry, they would have been out looking for food by now,” Cat offered, giggling after seeing Jade’s smile. Tori shifted her stance, noticing her heart suddenly beating really fast.

“They would have already eaten you if they were hungry,” Jade responded, turning back around to lead them.

Fifteen more minutes of hiking. Tori’s feet were beginning to hurt, but she didn’t dare say anything. Cat was alert, checking her surroundings frequently. Jade had yet to start a conversation and Tori couldn’t bear the silence any longer.

“Can we play truth or dare?”

“No,” Jade replied sternly.

Tori groaned. “I’m so-”

“If you say the ‘b’ word I will be very unhappy-”  
  
“Not bored,” Tori replied cautiously. “I just hate silence.”

Jade finally turned around to meet Tori’s eyes. The brunette felt that warm feeling in her chest again. Her friend was so beautiful she was almost envious of it.

“Fine. Tori: Truth or dare?” Jade turned to keep the group moving, as they were almost to their destination.

“Truth!” Tori chirped, smiling and keeping her head down to contain her obvious excitement.

“Is it true that you snore in your sleep?”

All excitement gone, Tori’s eyes burned in Cat’s direction, who was studying a leaf she picked up. Jade snorted, ready to take in the argument about to begin.

The brunette blinked, waiting to see if Cat had even been listening. “Cat, did you tell Jade I snore in my sleep?”

Her big eyes looked up to Jade, her face ridden with panic again. “What? No!”

Jade gasped. “So you admit it?”

Tori groaned, stomping one of her feet which halted her friends. “It’s only sometimes! We’re in the woods, what do you expect, I have allergies!”

Blue eyes fixed on Tori’s. “I didn’t even know, I was just guessing.”

 _Damn you, Jade West._ “That’s just mean.”

“Well, you know me. Your turn!”

Tori crossed her arms. The three continued walking. “Okay… Jade, truth or dare?”

“What about me?” Cat whined.

“I asked Jade-”

“You can be it next round, Cat,” Jade offered. She turned around to glance at Tori, her eyes suggesting mischief. “Truth.”

Tori was so eager to get Jade back that she had forgotten she actually needed to think of a worthy question first. Jade waited with anticipation of what Vega would come up with.

“Okay. Who have you had your eyes on since Beck?”

Jade would have stopped to turn around and yell at Tori, but that might have given the real answer away. “No one really,” she lied.

Tori bumped her shoulder into Jade’s, boiling the blood of the dark haired girl. “That sounds like a lie to me.”

“I mean, maybe I’ve thought about people but no one in particular. And nothing serious, so I’m going to say no one. I haven’t actively wanted to date anybody, no-”

“What about Moose?” Tori smirked. “We all went crazy over him-”  
  
“ _GROSS_. I didn’t,” Jade growled, keeping her eyes as far from Tori as possible. “I just didn’t want either of you to have him.”

Cat huffed. “We aren’t very good at this game-”  
  
“Well, as long as we’re all being honest here,” Jade began, knowing she was hiding a lot of large details from her love interest life after Beck. “Cat, your turn.”

The bubbly girl perked up quickly. “Okay… Tori-”

“ _No-”_

“Why so _nervous,_ Vega?” Jade crossed her arms and licked her lips.

“I’m not!” Tori lied. “Go ahead, Cat.”

Jade let out a small laugh at how often Tori would disregard her own discomfort to have the last word. 

“If you could date anyone from school before graduating, who would it be?”

Jade squinted her eyes shut, reminding herself over and over again to not snap. Tori was silent, pondering the question wholeheartedly. 

“Um… I don’t know, really. I’ve been happy to not really think about anyone in that way lately.”

Cat nodded. “That’s fair. I don’t know if I believe you though.”

“Yeah, _that sounds like a lie to me,”_ Jade mocked while crossing her arms. _  
_  
Tori threw her hands in the air in defeat. “Fine! I _really_ … got it bad for Sinjin-“

Jade and Cat simultaneously screamed, laughing hard as the three stopped for a moment. “I think you’d make a _smokin’_ couple, Tori,” Jade offered.

Tori smiled, sighing in relief. “Okay, whose turn?”

“This game is lame. I don’t wanna play,” Jade said shortly. 

Another sigh of relief from Tori. “Okay, good. I know, I just couldn’t stand the silence before-”

“I liked it,” Jade interrupted. “Tori, I think being outside would do wonders for your squirrly little brain.”

Tori scrunched her nose. “Little?”

“My brother is afraid of birds. He thinks they’re spies for the government,” Cat whispered.

Jade patted Cat on the shoulder. “That’s too bad for him.”

The dialogue fizzled out again, replaced by the wind rustling the leaves of the trees and their footsteps on the forest floor. Soon enough, the girls made it to a stop overlooking the river. There were large surfaces of rock for the girls to sit on as they listened to the sounds of the water crashing past them. White noise wasn’t enough to tame the raging thoughts occurring in Jade’s mind right now. Tori’s skin was golden in the sun, every single thing about her just radiated light. She was cursing herself every single time her eyes lingered toward her friend, but something kept pulling her back. Cat’s presence in fact wasn’t enough to stop Jade from feeling romantic with Tori, but Jade had hoped it would be. She absolutely no other reason to invite Cat this weekend other than making sure Jade didn’t accidentally confess her feelings. 

Everything else in the world fades away when Tori’s around, even the bad things. They’re not fixed, or solved, or gone forever, but Tori is there and suddenly everything bad about life is far away and quiet.

_I don’t want to lose her. I can’t._

* * *

The last night in the cabin was nearing its end. The girls had stayed up late around the campfire again, talking about plans for the school year and showcases they could put together before leaving. Tori could have sworn Jade had been staring at her a few times, they couldn’t seem to keep their eyes away from each other. 

Cat had gone to bed early, as usual. Jade wasn’t getting ready for bed, Tori noticed upon seeing the girl staring off into space. She was sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs.

“Hey, you okay?” Tori offered from across the room.

Jade didn’t respond. Her eyes didn’t move, but the girl standing from afar could see her friend’s body stiffen. Unsure of what to do, Tori shuffled her feet until a few seconds passed of continued silence. Just as she was ready to turn away and go to her room, Jade spoke up.

“Um…” she stopped to change the tone of her voice. She was uncomfortably emotional and needed to hide it, especially from Tori who would just make it worse. “I’m just thinking about… a lot.”

Tori nodded, slowly walking to sit in the chair across from Jade. She could read all over the other’s face that she was upset. “What’s up?”

Jade offered a half smile. “I’m scared.”

Brown eyes widened in surprise. “You? _Scared?”_

“I know, big surprise,” the fair skinned girl rolled her eyes. “Only one more year of all of this… and then everything is going to change.”

As she could definitely relate, Tori took a deep breath and relaxed into her chair knowing a long conversation was ahead of them.

“I know. It’s weird to think about. I get sad too,” she added softly. 

Jade shook her head. “No, it’s not sad. I’m not sad about losing anything I have…” She began. Tori felt a growing ache in her chest, scolding herself for thinking that maybe Jade would actually miss her. “It’s just that I don’t _do well_ with new people.”

Tori fidgeted with her two hands. “You don’t exactly ‘do well’ with anyone you’ve known here for years as it is,” she replied as kindly as possible. Of course, Jade’s reaction was unpleasant.

“I literally brought you here for the weekend and you just said _what_ to me _?”_ Jade spoke through her teeth.

Tori’s cheeks flushed. “No! No, no,” her heart jumped to an unbearable rate as she tried to justify her previous words that she didn’t mean maliciously at all. “I know you can be shy-”

“I’m not _shy,”_ Jade argued. Tori held her breath, reminding herself that sometimes people just need to vent, and don’t want to hear endless words of encouragement. “I just don’t trust people. And although, you, more than anyone else, can get on my nerves from time to time, I _can_ trust you.”

Warmth washed over the place in Tori’s chest that had been hurting before as she smiled at the other. “And you still can. We’ll still be there for you, Jade.” She wanted to hug the other, but knew it wasn’t wanted. Jade especially hates anyone touching her when she’s upset.

“Until you aren’t,” Jade muttered. That’s when Tori couldn’t bear to hear anything more without doing something about it. She stood from her chair to take the empty seat next to Jade on the couch. The dark haired girl’s body shifted away as the other sat down.

The brunette slowly reached her hand out toward her friend’s arm. “Can I touch you?”

 _“What?”_ Jade hissed back. She wanted to say yes, but she wouldn’t. _Should I? No._

Brown eyes fell back to fidgeting hands. “You really mean a lot to me, Jade-”

“Gross, _”_ she spit back, making an ugly frowning face as a joke.

The other giggled, accepting that physical affection wouldn’t be happening any time soon. “I’m serious. I’ve been thinking about it all weekend.”

Jade’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

The brunette sighed, sincerely hoping she would get a hug by the end of the night after all of this emotional talk. “You’ve made me a better person.”

“That’s impossible-”

“Jade, shut _up._ Just shut up for _once_ and let me say something nice about you!” Tori’s voice shook as she held back tears. She took a breath before continuing. “Look, I know you’re working out a lot of personal things. I _know_ how much you have grown over the years because I’ve seen it. And I know that what I see doesn’t really matter, but I can’t stand to know that you think that you’re just temporary and unimportant to everyone.”

Jade was going to open her mouth to speak, but Tori stopped her before she could. “And _don’t_ tell me you don’t like me because I’m here with you right now. So that’s clearly not true.”

Finally, a laugh came out of the blue eyed girl as she fixed her hair. “Everyone is going to remember me as the weirdo...sadistic bitch.”  
  
Tori was surprised that this was seemingly an unideal way for Jade to be remembered. “Oh… well, how do you want to be remembered? Geez, it sounds like we’re talking about dying or something, I don’t mean it like that.”

“Well we’ll die eventually-”

“Nope, we’re not going there right now,” Tori smiled, appreciating how Jade was joking and smiling herself again, too.

Jade sighed, repositioning her legs so she was slightly closer to Tori. “I just want to feel special to someone.”  
  
 _You’re so special to me,_ Tori thought. She could only show so much of her emotions without Jade snapping again, though. “Awww-”

“Shut up, Vega. It’s human, we all want to feel special to somebody,” Jade explained, realizing this is something she had been craving for her entire life, but it was never something she said out loud. It wasn’t even an experience she had remembered while dating Beck. He didn’t make her feel special; she felt tolerated, managed, sometimes even lectured. He never found the source of her emotions; he neglected them and scolded her reactions, which she knew was often fair, but that’s about as far as he went to try and truly understand her.

Unsure of how to articulate exactly how significant Jade was to her, Tori finally reached her hand out to rest on Jade’s knee. She noticed her friend slightly shift at the contact, but something in the air between them changed. Jade didn’t pull away, either.

“Come here,” Tori whispered, allowing her arm behind Jade’s back so she could lean on her friend’s shoulder. And she did. It was involuntarily, the way Jade’s arm wrapped around Tori’s stomach. Jade cried silently now that her face was hidden, commanding every bone in her body to remain still so Tori didn’t notice. Jade takes a note of how she feels Tori’s body moving with every breath, how her fingers lightly graze and dance along Jade’s back, how Tori plays with long strands of silky dark hair, how Tori keeps saying reassuring things in a comforting tone. It’s like a dream, Jade thinks before remembering the status of their relationship: friends.

Eventually, they break apart and Jade goes to bed after thanking the other for staying up with her. Tori doesn’tquite know how to describe the emotion she feels knowing that she can’t sleep next to Jade for the night. _That would be weird, friends don’t do that. You’re just a cuddler. It would be strange sleeping in the same bed. I don’t mean to be gross, I just hate that she’s alone. It’s not like_ **_that._ **

Maybe one day she would understand.  
  



	2. seniors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia - the play discussed in this chapter, and throughout some future chapters, has focus on a hate crime
> 
> The play chosen for the fall season causes Tori and Jade to admit something huge to each other. Read to find out :)

Usually, Tori dresses up in her favorite dress and jewelry for the first day of school, but she didn’t have the urge to do so this morning. After suffering through first period history and second period French class, Tori was eager for her third period class in improv. It was optional for seniors to take a third course in improv, but the unbreakable friend group took it without question just to have their favorite teacher for their final year at the school. Unfortunately, they weren’t all in the same class together again; Tori, Jade, and Andre were in this class, while Beck, Robbie, and Cat were in the other. 

Brown eyes immediately found raven colored hair, noticing Jade in her preferred spot in the back of the room closest to the door. Tori sat down quietly in the chair next to her, nearly spilling her coffee everywhere but managing to catch it just in time.

“Well good morning, sunshine,” her voice sounded as she raised an eyebrow at her friend. “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”

Tori scoffed. “No. What do you mean?”  
  
“You didn’t get dressed,” Jade mumbled. She noticed how dressed down Tori was for her normal self and wondered what inspired the look

“What’s wrong with leggings and a T-shirt?” Tori challenged while brushing her hair out of her face and relaxing.

The blue eyed girl relaxed as her lips pulled into a surprisingly innocent smile. “Nothing, I like it.”

Tori’s heart raced as she attempted to hide a blush. It was an extremely rare occasion for Jade to compliment someone’s appearance without a prompt. “Oh? Um, thanks… I didn’t try very hard, so I know I’m not super p-”

“You don’t _need_ to try hard to be pretty, you just _are,”_ Jade insisted. She turned away to look at the door in the front of the classroom, waiting for Sikowitz’s arrival.

 _She said what now?_ “You said what now?”

“I’m serious,” Jade laughed, placing her hand on Tori’s knee and shaking it.

_There has to be a catch to this. She wouldn’t willingly call me pretty._

After Tori continued to hide her blushing face, class started within a few minutes. The teacher showed up late as usual. Sikowitz took the majority of the period to share his experiences in Australia; he was there for a month over the summer to direct a film about Steve Irwin’s life. He had been ecstatic about it ever since being hired several months ago. 

The last five minutes were dedicated to announcements of the school plays for the fall. Of course, Tori only vaguely recognized a few, but Jade seemed incredibly interested in one that he had mentioned, _The Laramie Project_. After getting ruthlessly lectured by Jade about how important this play is to her, Tori was suddenly intrigued to memorize the entire thing tonight to earn Jade’s respect. 

“I _wonder_ who you’ll cast as Rebecca,” Jade spoke up over the side conversations in the class. Knowing she would be the best fit for the role she’s always wanted to play, she crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair and practically claimed it as true in her mind already.

Sikowitz shrugged. “Anyone has as fair of a shot as you do.”

Tori watched for Jade’s reaction, expecting a fiery blow up and dramatic storm out of the room. She saw quite the opposite, a smile falling off her face slowly, blue eyes finding the floor while fingers with multiple rings on them intertwined with themselves.

“Auditions are on Wednesday, come take audition info sheets, then get out!” 

The brunette stood up with her backpack, waiting for Jade to grab her things and walk with her, but the broody girl didn’t move.

“What’s wrong?” Tori asked quietly.

Jade just shook her head. “Nothing.”

“Come on, be honest,” the other drawled.

Once finally moving to pick up her things and go with Tori, Jade sighed. “I’ve _really_ liked this play for years, and I just hope I’m happy with the part I get.”

They began walking to retrieve audition information as Tori attempted to be supportive in her response. “I think you will be. With everything you already know about it, they’ll be all over you!”

Jade smiled, letting her eyes wander to glance at her friends. “Thanks, Tori.”

Shortly after they both took a paper from Sikowitz, Jade quickly scurried out of the room with her eyes glued to hers. Tori was left behind, staring at dark curls of hair that swayed as she walked away. 

_I don’t think I trust what’s going on here._

* * *

“Andre! Oh, thank God,” Tori exhaled as she ran into the classroom.

Her close friend laughed as he stood up to give Tori a hug. “Girl, I told you last week we were in the same class!”

Tori sighed. “I know, I’m just so relieved you have no idea! I know I started writing my own songs recently but it’s _so hard_. And we make a great team.”

“We do,” Andre agreed before his phone buzzed. He checked it, his eyes bulging out of his head soon afterward.

Tori felt her heart beat in her chest. “What?”

Andre stuttered, “Oh, um, Beck just-“

“ _What?”_

“Calm down,” Andre urged, unsure of why Tori was so pressed. “He just told me he saw Jade. She said you wore pajamas to school today?” He looked over Tori, seeing that she, in fact, was _not_ wearing pajamas. “ _Huh?”_

_So she was lying. She thinks I look stupid, and only complimented me so I could keep dressing down and looking more stupid for her own amusement. I knew she wouldn’t say I’m pretty._

“She said I looked pretty today!”

“You always do!” Andre’s voice matched the energy of Tori’s.

“I _knew_ she was being _too_ nice to me this morning.”

Andre shook his head. “Don’t worry about her, she’s always the worst on the first day of school.”

“That’s what I remembered too, but I guess I was fooled for thinking it might be different this year,” Tori concluded. She remembered back to the camping weekend, how her and Jade had the heart to heart about all of the things they would miss about school, all of the things they wanted to do this year. Tori wore her heart on her sleeve 24/7 for Jade and yet felt as though she stepped in a trap almost every time she talked to her. Unsure of how to feel, Tori resorted to anger.

The teacher for Songwriting III, the highest course you could take at Hollywood Arts, was slightly intimidating, but had a sense of humor that Tori liked. He introduced himself, shared the names of famous singers he has worked with, reminding Tori for the millionth time how lucky she is to be attending the school. They were introduced to the studio, the recording software, the access to all of the instruments they had, and finally at the end of the class, he assigned the first project.

“You will write a song, completely on your own-”

“ _Already?”_ Tori cried out in the middle of class. Every person’s eyes turned to her, before she slumped in her chair and the teacher continued.

“Collaboration _will_ be a big part of this class, as it has been in your previous songwriting classes. But first, I want to see what comes from each of you individually. I want to learn your own styles, interests, and voices.”

The brunette reminded herself to breathe deeply. She had attempted a few original songs out of assigned classwork before, but they always ended up awful. Her best one was probably the one about butterflies that Kojeezy instantly rejected. Andre glanced over his shoulder at his friend with a “don’t bug out” expression on his face, but it definitely didn’t ease her worries.

“Your deadline is Friday-“

Now, the entire class erupted into panic, only to be silenced by the teacher. “You don’t need to have it produced and whatnot or anything, just a demo, words, ideas, a solid demo completed on Friday. Got it?”

Just then, the bell rang and soon Tori and Andre made their way to lunch. She talked Andre’s ear off in panic about how horribly her day has been going so far. He had learned by now that the best thing to do to help Tori when she is reacting to a situation for the first time is to just listen to what she has to say. He offered small utterances of encouragement as they made it outside. They sat at their usual table, Cat soon arriving, then Robbie. Beck and Jade were nowhere to be found.

“I’ll text them,” Cat chirped, pulling out her Pear phone.

“Anyone else already overwhelmed with projects and auditions?” Robbie sighed, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“I am!” Tori volunteered first. “I have to audition for the play that I know nothing about and then write a song by Friday!”

“You need to record a demo for a song you wrote, by Friday,” Andre corrected her with a soothing tone.

Tori glanced at him with squinting eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”

Cat perked up. “Oh, there they are!” She pointed in the direction where Jade and Beck were coming from, Jade’s shoulder bumping into his, his hand on her back. Tori flashed back to her first day all over again. This time, it was different, because in reality they weren’t dating anymore. Unless something changed extremely recently, and they worked out every single argument they had ever had and they’re in love again.

“Hey, sorry we’re late,” Beck offered.

“What’s up with you guys?” Andre asked, nudging Tori’s knee under the table with his own. It had been his way of saying “Hey what’s wrong?” to his friend in a discreet way since they met. Tori automatically snapped out of her daydream of wondering what could have possibly been suddenly fixed between her and Beck. _This is why she was weird with her answer when we played truth or dare._

“We were just talking about The Laramie Project, we’re _so_ excited for it,” he explained. Tori felt a fire rising within her and did not care to try and put it out.

“I’m _sooo_ glad you’re both excited,” she groaned. She tried taking a bite of lunch, feeling her stomach turning and losing her appetite.

Jade scowled, surprised at Tori’s sour attitude. “What’s your deal? I thought you said you didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”

“Sorry, I’m just stressed because I know nothing about this play, and now I have to write a s-” she looked at Andre, who nudged her knee again. “- _Record a demo_ for a song that I have to write by myself by Friday, and the day is only half over. I’ll probably have ten more assignments on top of that!”

Beck offered his advice first, of course. “Tori, you don’t need to bug out. You have plenty of time to prepare what you need for the auditions Wednesday-“

“- _And_ we’ve written songs plenty of times before, just think back to what our process was.”

Tori took a moment to think. She could have her own mini crash course for The Laramie Project and spend the night reading up on it tonight, and tomorrow and Thursday she could try to write the bulk of a song.

“Okay… yeah, I guess you’re right,” she finally took a deep breath to calm her stress a bit.

Cat giggled. “Jade and Beck, could you help Tori?”

The two in question looked at each other with worried expressions. “Oh, um. We have a thing-“

“ _A thing?”_ Tori whined. She could burst into tears knowing they’re probably getting close again and now they’re too busy with each other to help their friend.

“Yeah, we’re involved in a production across town, we’re doing sound for a community theatre group’s show. We have to be there tonight,” Beck explained. Jade nodded along as he spoke.

Although she was hurt, Tori couldn’t really argue with that. Perhaps that’s why they seem close again. “Oh, okay.”

“You got this Tori,” Robbie encouraged, offering a smile.

“Uh-huh,” she exhaled, pointing the conversation in a different direction. She hated venting around the friend group, she felt as though she did too often. “Jade, why did you tell Beck I’m wearing pajamas to school today?”

Jade smirked before taking a bite of an apple. “I wanted to see how long it would take you to freak out on me.” She held eye contact with the brunette while the apple made a loud crunching sound. Tori couldn’t explain the immediate lump in her throat.

“Well… I’m not going to freak out, but that was mean. You said I looked pretty.”

“Maybe I did-“

“Then why-“

“Tori, you’re _adorable_ when you’re flustered. I couldn’t help it. At least I didn’t fill your water bottle with sunflower seeds.”

Tori froze, still holding eye contact with Jade. That sentence obviously meant that her water bottle looked like some seven year old’s art creation behind the dugout of his older sister’s softball game, and she didn’t even bother checking it.

“Did you?” Beck asked softly.

“Yes,” Jade whispered before taking another bite of her apple.

They’re even interacting how they used to when they were dating, Tori noticed. And now she was convinced that her day could not get any worse.

* * *

_sorry if I was annoying today._

**_What?_ **

_i’m sorry i was weird at lunch. i’m just so_ _stressed but i don’t want to scare you_ _away as_ _a friend again_

_**N** **othing is wrong. What’s going on?** _

She didn’t have an answer other than; _I can’t lose you,_ but of course her thumbs typed up an entirely unrelated thought.

_I don’t know. I felt stupid at lunch today._

**_I don’t pick on you to make you feel bad_ _about yourself, Tori_ **

_What? That makes literally no sense_. Tori’s mind was spinning. Why was Jade West suddenly the only thing making Tori feel alive today?

_then why do it at all!! :(_

She tried to shift her focus back to the tabs she had open summarizing the play she was supposed to be preparing an audition for, but her mind just kept playing Jade’s words from earlier on repeat: _You don’t need to try hard to be pretty, you just are._ Her phone screen lit up before Tori’s hands were fumbling to open the message.

**_It’s often the only time I hear you stand_ _up for yourself._ **

The older girl’s heart ripped in half. This newfound support for each other made her head spin. Tori couldn’t figure out this warm feeling she got whenever Jade said something especially nice to her. It’s a reserved feeling, nobody else can tap into this part of Tori that just makes her want to gush, but ultimately leaves her speechless. 

**_But also, it’s really fun_ **

_well excuse me, i didn’t NEED much_ _practice in standing up for myself until you_

 _showed up and made fun of me from day_ _one ;)_

She didn’t play Jade’s heart strings by bringing up the history of their friendship; Tori wrote entire verses, songs, she could play an entire symphony. That is, if Jade ever allowed her to.

**_You needed it several times at HA and yo_ _u know it. You’re welcome._ **

Tori couldn’t argue with that. She sighed, sinking back into her chair. The webpage on _The Laramie Project_ remained untouched.

_I wish you could come over_

Jade glanced over to Beck at the opposite side of the small sound booth, who had been stealing glances all night. She didn’t know where her heart set with him; on one hand, she knew he would come crawling back if she initiated. And it would be so, so easy. She could have someone senior year, be familiar with who they are, be somewhat happy but kind of bored with how they do the same things over and over again together. It would be convenient. He could be someone to sleep next to, an old friend to finish this chapter of her life with, and a ticket to free movies as his brother works at the local theatre. 

But Tori, oh Tori. She would be everything, and it _horrified_ Jade. 

The dark haired girl half smiled back at the boy, relieved to bring her attention back to who she was texting.

**_Me too. This show sucks. But we get_ _paid._ **

_well that can only mean one thing!_

**_What?_ **

_y_ ou _can buy me dinner, tomorrow night?_

_Did this bitch just… ask me out?_ From different locations, two heartbeats belonging to two incredibly flustered girls synchronized.

**_Fine. Only because I want to._ **

* * *

Tuesday was less overwhelming for Tori, who was now on day two of dressing more casual than she used to. She had been through the full cycle of her classes now, as her schedule is spread across A and B days. Andre asked her if she wanted to ‘hang out, but definitely not write songs together, but could talk about what they had so far’ after school. Of course she accepted, welcoming him into her house with his favorite snacks. 

Andre sat at the kitchen table and dug into the snacks right away. “Aren’t you hungry? I don’t want to eat all your food.”

Tori waved her hand. “No, go ahead. I’d eat with you, but Jade’s buying me dinner tonight.”

The boy nearly spit out his food. The brunette stepped back in shock before he slowly turned toward her.

“What? She’s… what?”

Tori pressed her lips together. She knew it wasn’t _like that,_ but apparently he assumed so. “Buying me dinner. What’s the big deal?”

He smirked and shook his head. “Sometimes you… say things a certain way and-”

“We’re having dinner _as friends,”_ she clarified for him. “Plus, I think her and Beck have a thing going on again.”

“What makes you say that?”

Tori sat down at a chair near him after retrieving her laptop from the other room. “Oh, the shoulder bumping, their connection over the play, the way she’s looking at me again to see if I appear jealous of the attention she’s getting from Beck-”

“Whoa, whoa,” Andre stopped her. “Are you… you know, _jealous_?”

“No! I just. Well-”

“ _Dude-”_ his eyes were wide again, nervous about where this conversation was going.

“No, no. Come on, do you really think Beck is my type?”

Andre laughed a bit. “Okay. No, I guess not.”

Tori paused for a moment, remembering that one weird time where they were just friends and going on an anti date. She thought about how calm Jade was about it all, and realized that’s probably how Beck began wanting her back. She proved she resolved a lot of her insecurities and jealousy issues. Her heart sank as puzzle pieces fit together in her mind all at once.

Words began pouring from her lips with no thought. “I just _know_ that he’s never going to see her like I do.”

Andre scowled. “Huh?”

Her lips pressed together again. “I can’t… well. She’s told me things.”

“Look, maybe Beck hasn’t always been perfect to her, but how could anyone be? She’s impossible-”

Andre’s voice was cut off by a loud, almost guttural groan. “She’s _not_ impossible!”

He tried backing up, only to tilt his chair legs back and almost cause himself to fall. Tori realized how heightened her emotions were, again. Sometimes she wishes she could just turn her emotions off and shove them away for days at a time. Too extreme, never in between.

“That’s what Beck thinks, too. She can be right there, literally hurting in front of everyone, and sure, maybe sometimes she’s out of line… But it’s like, always written off because she’s just ‘always like that’ and apparently evil and-”

“Tori-” Andre tried interrupting her in a failed attempt.

“-Once you get past all of the anger and questionable actions, she just needs to feel _special_ to someone-”

“ _Tori,”_ his voice was drowned out again. He dreaded what he was about to say, and how she would react, whenever his friend stopped spilling all of these emotions.

“-And for that I can’t blame her. I just don’t think he’s the best person to keep her happy-”

  
“ _TORI!”_

Finally, she paused as Andre’s hand touched her leg. She suddenly wanted to cry. Guilt bubbled up inside of her, realizing she just practically called Beck a shitty boyfriend to one of his best friends. Andre prompted Tori to take a deep breath with him, and she did, feeling warmth rush over her as she held back tears.

“Okay… I hate to tell you this, but-”

“No, don’t” Tori stopped him, catching him by surprise. “I know it was wrong of me to say-”  
  
“ _No,_ it’s never wrong to say what you’re feeling,” Andre replied soothingly. “But I think you have a _very_ large elephant in the room of your brain that you need to acknowledge.”

Tori scowled, truly oblivious to what he was referring to. “What?”

His eyes fell, knowing Tori wasn’t always the best at realizing her own emotions before they got the best of her like they just had. “Um, your… feelings…”

 _No. They’re not… that’s not… Oh God._ “I don’t-”

Andre interrupted, speaking slowly. “Do you have feelings for Jade?”

This wasn’t a new question for her to hear, she heard it in her own brain at least ten times a day. It started a few months ago, and this voice only grew louder. She has known the answer, somewhere deep in her mind but never let it spell itself out. Apparently it was much too loud now, even Andre could hear it. Tori wasn’t going to admit this to anyone else before she admitted it to herself, but now it’s too late for that.

“Um…”

“I’ve known for a while,” he replied. To her surprise, he wasn’t freaked out, disgusted, or really anything besides calm. He was very neutral, but Tori’s head was spinning again anyway.

“What? How?”

He scoffed. “ _Please._ Your eyes tell the whole story every time you look at her.”

_Oh God. It really is that bad? Of course it is, she means everything to you._

Tori could hardly keep her focus on Andre, she had a million other thoughts to sort through regarding her identity, let alone her feelings for Jade. Andre noticed her zoning out, so he brought her back in the moment before she dug herself into a hole.

“You’re _very_ easy to read,” he mumbled, waiting for her to snap back into it.

She pouted and crossed her arms, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. “I know. But only you can do that!”

He shrugged. “We don’t need to talk about it-”

“No, we do! We really do! What do I do?! I don’t do anything. Because, it’s stupid, and she’d never in a million years feel that way-”  
  
“You don’t know that,” his voice raised in pitch before he shoved another handful of chips into his mouth. Tori scowled at Andre, realizing that no one in the friend group really talked about this kind of thing. Maybe someone had revealed an identity Tori wasn't aware of before she came to school and it was just never spoken of. Maybe they weren’t completely comfortable with it being brought to light on a regular basis or at all. Before she could ask, he continued. “She’s... not a straight line.”

Tori was sure she could faint at this revelation. “Has she ever said?”

“Well, Beck and I are close and-”

“Oh my God,” she exhaled sharply as she abruptly stood up from her chair. Tori began pacing, focusing on refraining her mind from running wild on imagination with this new information. “Okay, alright-”

“Okay, so, you’re… supposed to have dinner with her tonight, how’s that gonna work now-”

_“FUCK.”_

“Perhaps I’ve said too much-”

_“YOU THINK?”_

“Okay, let’s just… focus on your song,” Andre offered in an easy tone, as if nothing had just happened.

In a way, Tori felt as though not much had changed. If she just had this realization, sure, it meant she wasn’t straight like she had thought her entire life, but as far as her and Jade, nothing had to immediately feel different. This answered so many of her questions, tied endless loose ends, glued _hundreds_ of pieces together in her head. _I have feelings for Jade._

“You know, you had feelings for Jade, too. For like, five minutes-”

Andre burst out laughing. “I remember. Weirdest week of my life.”

“Okay,” Tori began, feeling a glimmer of hope. “Well, we just got your eyes on someone different, and you felt better very quickly after that!”

He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Okay. We can make this happen, you just have to do the same thing!”

As Tori opened her laptop, she reevaluated the words she had just spoken; the words that implied that Jade could be replaced left an incredibly bitter taste in her mouth. Jade wasn’t just a newfound crush, Tori realized. Jade was like a fever; she made Tori feel warm inside, but left her shivering on the outside. She’s had this effect on Tori since they first met, and Tori realized that what she thought was fear was actually another undeniable emotion.

“One problem with that… I don’t want to.”

Andre stared at her blankly, realizing exactly how they needed to handle this in the moment. “What’s your song called?”

Tori stared at the words she jotted down in a document at 11:30 PM the night prior. “Uh, _Mirror.”_

“And what’s it about?” Andre mumbled while pulling up his own work.

The brunette slumped in her chair. “Not knowing who I am…” she laughed nervously, before she cried. Andre invited her over, prompting her to slide her chair next to his so she could lean on his shoulder. 

“Oh, honey. Let’s change this up a little bit.”

Now, Tori and Andre were ‘hanging out, but he was definitely not helping her edit her lyrics which was against the directions for this project.’ Tori reflected on every moment in her life that she felt _something_ for a girl even if it was a character in a show or movie. She remembered meeting Jade for the first time; that chilling feeling Jade could elicit with a cold stare, the way her voice wrapped Tori up in tangles without effort. _I’m… well, something. And I like girls._ Tori realized all at once how she should have immediately realized this upon meeting the girl whose heart she longed for. 

* * *

Tori was staring. She couldn’t help herself. There was not a single moment in the day where she didn’t want to be looking at Jade if they were in the same room together. The dark haired girl had brought take out from Wok Star so the two could discuss the auditions coming up tomorrow in the comfort of Tori’s home. 

“How was the rehearsal last night?” Tori asked as she dug her fork back into fried rice.

Jade shrugged. “Fine, boring. The show isn’t even good, but we’re getting paid.”

Tori sat on one couch, and Jade sat on the other; they might as well have been sharing the same one, the way they were both sitting on the edges of the couch toward where they separated.

Tori glanced over at the other, trying to read any trace of longing on Jade’s face. “How’s doing that with Beck?”

The brunette slightly regretted that question as soon as blue eyes looked up at hers. “Fine, why?”

“Oh, I just didn’t know if it was like, weird or anything,” Tori trailed off, her voice dimming as quickly as her confidence. She had a feeling this would strike some angry reaction from Jade, but she so desperately wanted to know if something was there.

 _Is Tori… trying to get at something?_ Hiding emotions or hidden intentions wasn’t exactly Tori’s fote, so Jade carefully constructed her response. “Well, it’s not weird. But sometimes I wonder.”

 _Don’t react strongly. Relax._ “Wonder what?”

“I don’t know,” Jade began, sighing. “I mean, I don’t mind that we’re getting to be friends again, but I don’t really know sometimes with him. I feel like he’s trying to get close to me… like, you know-”  
  
“Oh,” Tori interrupted, her heart suddenly jumping to her throat. “I mean, it has seemed like you two have kind of-”  
  
“ _Kind of what?”_ Jade’s edgy tone surfaced, causing Tori to nearly choke on her last bite. Of course, she didn’t realize the real cause of Jade’s emotions: _Please don’t tell me you’re jealous because you’re into Beck. I want you._

“Well, it just kind of seems like old times. How you act around each other, nothing in particular.”

The few seconds of silence that followed Tori’s last words were deafening. Jade tried to deny that she had considered rekindling her relationship with Beck solely for the sake of not being lonely, but maybe if she did, it would be easier to forget about her feelings for Tori before they graduate. It could be her last distraction from the girl she had longed for all these year; it would get her through this last year of unrequited feelings.

“I’m not really sure… We haven’t talked about it.”

Tori sensed a negative emotion in Jade’s voice, but decided she had already stuck her nose into a situation she shouldn’t have. She suddenly felt incredibly selfish, bringing up a topic that must be hard for Jade. She remembered how rough the breakup hit her at first, and how Beck didn’t necessarily make it discreet or respect her privacy or vulnerability. Tori’s hate for Beck’s actions as Jade’s partner bubbled up inside of her, drawing a clear look of disgust on her face.

Jade noticed this expression change on Tori, thinking it was absolutely jealousy. “So, what have you found on The Laramie Project so far?”

Snapping out of her inner Beck shit fest, Tori set her mostly-finished dish aside and grabbed her laptop. “Um, that it’s really sad.”

The fair skinned girl smiled. “Yeah, but it’s a really important message. Which monologue are you doing?”

Tori scanned over the last page she opened, some audition packet pdf she found online for another organization’s production of the show. “Um, definitely Rebecca’s. That’s who I’m going for.”

Jade smiled a little too warmly at Tori; blue eyes watched as nervous hands brushed themselves down bare, golden skinned arms. “Oh, me too.”

The brunette managed a small laugh. “Wow. The first and last time we’ll probably audition for the same role.”

Jade was pleased to hear that Tori didn’t have any questions about the play, wasn’t exploding with pleads to have Jade recite the entire synopsis; she must have done some extensive research. Much to the writer’s relief, Tori also didn’t have any questioning comments about how the plot revolves around a community’s response to a hate crime committed against an openly gay man on a college campus in the 90s. Something Jade didn’t know about Tori was any of her parents beliefs or Tori’s general upbringing; how did it affect her views on certain groups of people? Jade thought that Tori’s heart is made of gold, there’s no way she could hate anybody for any part of their identity no matter how she was raised, regardless of how she was raised.

“Yeah. Well, do you um, want to practice? I could give you some pointers?”

Tori shivered at the thought of Jade giving her feedback at a monologue she had in her hands for less than 24 hours. However, she was confident in what she had practiced, and confident that Jade would give her pointers. Unless…

“Wait, you want this role too, right? How do I know you’re actually going to help me-”  
  
“Oh, I’m not worried about you getting the role over me. But I’ll still help,” Jade leaned back on the couch, relaxing as Tori walked across the room and stood a few feet in front of the kitchen table. 

“Gee, how nice of you,” Tori mumbled, placing her feet and grounding herself. Jade lifted her head, letting her eyes fall to the shape of Tori’s hips, how defined they were in her dark jeans. 

The brunette fixed her eyes on the spot above the door, just above Jade’s head before beginning. “ _I must tell you that when I first heard that you were thinking of coming here, when you first called me, I wanted to say you’ve just kicked me in the stomach. Why are you doing this to me? But then I thought, that’s stupid, you’re not doing this to me. And more importantly, I thought about it and decided that we’ve had so much negative closure on this whole thing. And the students really need to talk..._ ”

Jade would have never thought she would be in Tori’s house, giving her feedback on a monologue she is absolutely nailing, let alone help her with an audition at all, just to stare at her hands while she is gesturing. And the diabolical things she was thinking. Tori’s movements overall were impressively convincing, and her acting was not over dramatized like it could sometimes be. _Where the hell did this side of Tori come from?_

Tori would have never thought she would be performing a monologue for Jade in her own house, let alone be receiving feedback on it, just to hope through the entire thing that she is impressing Jade. She didn’t dare bring her eyes back to Jade’s, knowing her heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

_“...a lot of times they didn’t have an opinion, you couldn’t get them to express an opinion. And quite honestly, I’d rather have opinions that I don’t like — and have that dynamic in education.”_

“Holy shit, Vega,” Jade spoke as soon as Tori was done with the monologue. 

The brunette winced. “No good?” She watched as her friend stood from the couch and started walking slowly toward her.

“No, _really_ good-“ she spoke softly, her eyes studying Tori’s worry ridden face.

“Look Jade, I’m just auditioning for this part but you should get it over me, which I’m sure you will and-“

“Tori, don’t worry,” Jade calmed her, placing a hand gently on Tori’s shoulder. She was now biting her tongue, literally, reminding herself to not spill her emotions. “I’m just...relieved.”

Jade removed her hand and picked the nearest couch to sit back down on. Tori followed, taking a seat next to her. “Why relieved?”

Blue eyes looked to the floor as a sudden shadow fell over Jade. “I guess, just because, you know the story, it’s-“

“You didn’t think I wasn’t accepting, _did you?”_ Tori practically whispered. _How ironic Jade would think that,_ Tori’s inner voice said.

“Well, I don’t know! You never talked about it, _no one_ ever really talks about it. I’m… _ugh.”_

Tori had a feeling Jade was about to share something that Andre had already told her. And then what does this mean for their friendship? _She doesn’t like you._

“Okay, this is between us. Right?”

“Of course,” Tori managed, forgetting how to breathe.

Jade couldn’t bear to look at Tori, fearing she would come across the wrong way, like a predator. She was afraid of scaring Tori away; just because she’s accepting doesn’t mean she’d be comfortable with a friend she’s close to being bisexual.

“Okay, well, I’m um… I’m bi, and it’s not a big deal and I don’t need you to like say anything or make me feel better-“ Jade words came spilling out, but she caught herself before sharing too much. Tori couldn’t even look at Jade as she focused on easing her own panic. Eventually, Jade finished with, “That’s why this show is so important to me.”

Tori took a moment, to let Jade and herself process the information she just shared. She was screaming on the inside, Tori just wanted to take Jade’s face and kiss her, but she couldn’t. Jade wished Tori wasn’t looking back at her with such compassion written on her face; she wished it was easy to pretend she didn’t have feelings for Tori.

“Jade, I’m so glad you felt you were able to tell me. I’ll always be a safe person you can come to.”

“I know,” she said playing with her fingers. “I just thought maybe you didn’t like people who-“

“I’m, um…” Tori began, immediately regretting it. _Don’t confess now, idiot. She doesn’t love you. You both aren’t straight, so what? She doesn’t feel the same way._ “I’m not sure,” she lied, speaking slowly. “...But I think I've also had some crushes on girls.”

 _Not like me,_ Jade thought. “Oh?”

“I don’t know, I’ve wondered before. And maybe it’s not true, but I think it’s normal for people to question at least once at some point in their life-“

“Oh, I’m not questioning-“ Jade began, suddenly defensive only to have Tori interrupt.

“No, no! I didn’t mean that. I just meant, me. And, um… Andre was helping me write a song about it last night. Because I was kind of telling him all of this.”

Tori smiled as a sense of hope began in her mind. She knew it was wrong, incredibly dangerous, absolutely idiotic to think that maybe Jade West could fall in love with her, but she was going to try. The scowling face staring back at her was so kissable, it hurt.

“Okay, so now that, I’ve come out to you and you’re… figuring yourself out, are we keeping this between us?”

The brunette frowned. “You haven’t told anyone else?”

Jade grimaced. “Ugh. I have. But I don’t want anyone to know we had this conversation together. It might… come across as… _you know-“_

“ _Oh,”_ Tori gasped, catching on. “You don’t want anyone to think you like me,” she teased with a cheesy smile. _What a weird way to cope with your unrequited love, Tori._

The obvious and instant blush on Jade’s cheeks sent Tori’s heart into overdrive. She wouldn’t blush if maybe there want some truth to that. _Oh my God..._

“Gross, no...” normally words Jade growled, but this time they sounded in defeat. She stood up from the couch abruptly, and Tori noticed Jade’s hands shaking. “Anyway, your monologue is great, ten out of ten everything was perfect-“

Tori watched as Jade gathered her things frantically into her bag. _Fuck, bad joke to make. You insensitive bitch._

“No, wait I’m sorry, it was just a joke-“

“No you’re fine, you didn’t say anything wrong, but I gotta go-“

“Jade, wait!” Tori cried. The dark haired girl froze with her back toward the other. The brunette was practically in tears, hearing only three words in her head, screaming at her over and over. Tori wished Jade could just read her mind so she didn’t have to build up the courage to say it out loud.

Jade squeezed her eyes shut, wondering why she actually stopped for Tori. _Don’t turn around._

 _Don’t tell her._ Tori heard the voice loud and clear in her head, but didn’t want to listen.

“Don’t forget your leftovers,” Tori sighed, her body relaxing in disappointment at her cowardly move. Jade finally turned around, taking one last look at Tori with watery eyes. 

The door shut carefully, the first quiet exit Jade had ever made from Tori’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you think THIS is angst.... honey you got a big storm comin.  
> thanks for reading as always!!!


	3. please, wear a helmet for once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: somewhat graphic depictions of violence (accident), please go re-check the tags for specifics (kind of a spoiler)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.

_well, we talked…_

**_Damn… What happened?_ **

_she told me what you had said about her yesterday. I told her I was questioning myself, even though I’m really not questioning. but I obviously didn’t say any more than that._

Tori clenched her phone in her hand after locking it. She felt her muscles tense at the thought of Jade asking her to keep this conversation between them so their friends didn’t get the wrong idea. Andre already knew how Tori felt though, so she figured it didn’t make much difference at this point. She knew she’d feel guilty about it later.

**_What did she say? I bet she wasn’t surprised._ **

_nothing really. she left really quickly after that. i don’t think she was mad, but idk… i almost think she was going to cry_

The brunette let her back fall on her mattress as she locked her phone again. Within a few seconds, Andre was calling her.

“Hello?” Tori tried to rub the swelling pain in her head.

 _“Jade likes you back,”_ Andre urged. “Why would she get upset and abruptly leave after you practically came out to her?”

She groaned in response. “She doesn’t, she didn’t even want me talking about this with anybody because she didn’t want anyone thinking we were dating.”

“Okay, and Jade pushes away every good thing that comes her way-”  
  
“Andre, it’s not possible. I think I made an insensitive joke.” Even while Tori was denying the possibility of Jade having feelings for her, she began replaying the scene in the living room in her mind. She remembered how relieved Jade was to learn Tori was accepting, how all she had to say after Tori confessed her attraction to girls was “Oh,” the hand on Tori’s shoulder after she performed her monologue. 

“What was the joke?”  
  
Tori sighed before continuing, “Well after she asked me to not bring our conversation up to anyone, which I am currently breaking like a jerk, I just joked, like, ‘Wouldn’t want anyone to think you like me,’ or something-”

“She does! She likes you!”

“Andre, I think you’re being extremely hopeful. Plus I kind of just realized why she might be upset.”

“I’m right, and I know it. But what are you thinking?”

“She’s known her identity for a while, and this play has been important to her for years. She said my monologue was really good when we were practicing, so maybe she is just worried who’s going to get that part we’re both auditioning for, apparently.”

There was a pause on the other line of the phone. After speaking those words out loud, Tori was relieved at her own explanation, knowing she could continue to feel comfortably confident in how Jade doesn’t feel the same. 

“Okay, that might explain it-”  
  
“Exactly, so shut up because if you keep going with this I will seriously get my hopes up.”

He still believed in what he said, but he would back off of the subject for now knowing Tori doesn’t need this added stress on top of her audition tomorrow. “Okay, alright. I’ll chill. How was dinner?”

“She’s _so hot,_ Andre-”

A booming laughter sounded from Tori’s phone speaker. _Di_ _d I just say that out loud?_

“I’m aware! This is adorable-”

“Nooo,” Tori whined, squeezing her eyes shut and cupping her hand on her forehead. “It’s horrible-”

“After all of the awful shit she’s done to you, she’s still the brightest star in your sky, huh?”

Andre had a way of slipping these metaphors into casual conversation; Tori figured it happened as a result of his constant lyric writing occurring in his mind. She had always found it sweet, that is until now. He wasn’t wrong, but Tori didn’t want to acknowledge the weight of his metaphor and how accurate it was. _Although she’s been better lately, she has been awful to me in the past. He's not wrong._

“She’s special. I don’t know, she likes torturing people for fun, I’m not saying she’s perfect-”

“Oh, so you’re into that, huh?”

“ANDRE-” Tori choked before she could continue. “Cut it out!” Warmth washed all over her body as she forced herself to block out a procession of suggestive images from her mind.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it. Alright, well. I’m not sure if I helped or made this worse-”

“Honestly, I think you made it worse,” Tori admitted, overwhelmed with how she was now fully aware of her attraction to Jade and couldn’t block out these thoughts.

“Great talk. I think you should just get some sleep-”

“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” Tori scoffed. Her clock read 9:30, proving Andre’s point. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Sweet dreams.”

Tori set her phone on her night stand, taking her laptop into her hands instead. A blinking cursor flashed before she typed the lyrics that had popped into her head at this moment. 

_You’re worse than a fever, but I can’t break it_

_I can’t break the way I burn for you_

* * *

Tori finally dressed up for school on Wednesday in a dark floral sundress and curled hair. It was an easy confidence booster to dress in her best on important days. As she reached for the books in her locker, Beck called her name from across the hall. The thought of conversing with him after what happened last night made her bones rattle.

“Hey, have you seen Jade?”  
  
“Is she okay?” She didn’t even plan to ask it. Beck scowled back, knowing Tori was often scared of Jade being mad at her.

“Um, I guess? You didn’t answer my question.”

Tori sighed, letting her shoulders fall. “No, I haven’t.”

“Okay, cool… No big deal, thanks-”

 _“Wait,”_ Tori caught Beck’s backpack as he tried to walk past her. She pulled him back to the spot he was previously standing in. “I’m worried, I um-- think I upset her last night.”

“Oh, _you did,”_ Beck said definitively. 

Tori felt her heart jump to her throat as he glared coldly at her. “What did she tell you?”

“She trusted you, you know. And that’s _big..._ And you had the _nerve_ to say what you did?” As he spoke, Tori realized Jade had also broken the promise they both made together, to not mention it to anyone because it might come across the wrong way. Suddenly relieved at this realization, Tori’s focus shifted on the tone of Beck’s voice, coarse and full of anger.

_“What did she tell you I said?”_

Beck looked away from Tori as if he was so disgusted with whatever she had apparently done that he couldn’t bear to look at her. It wasn’t often that he appeared truly angry, but this was one of those rare moments where he had to dial back his tone before even speaking. “You mocked her-”

“That’s _not_ true, I said it’s normal for people to question-”

“She _came out to you_ and that’s not the time to _mock someone_ and tell them they’re just confused-”

“That is NOT what happened! Look, I don’t know what she told you, but I am here to say that all I said was how I… also, think I like girls-”

“Wait, _what?”_

“Let me finish, please, because clearly she didn’t tell you this right,” Tori took a deep breath. It made her incredibly nervous talking about this in the hallway, but she also didn’t want Jade to suddenly appear and find them in the janitor’s closet together. Apparently this was news to Beck, meaning Jade at least respected Tori’s right to come out to people directly once she was ready, which warmed her heart. “I told her I’ve been questioning. I mean, I’m not, I definitely like girls. I even told Andre before I told her! I think she just misunderstood…”  
  
Beck appeared to dial it back, taking Tori’s perspective into consideration. “She said you accused her of _liking_ you.”

Tori let out a nervous laugh, telling herself over and over again to not lose it and begin crying. “She didn’t want me to tell anyone what we talked about, because it might come across that way… that she ‘does.’ I didn’t accuse her of that, it was just a joke. Trust me, I know she doesn’t. But _we_ both shared that part of us at the same time. And it’s _really,_ really not like that.”

“Okay, okay maybe she just needs some time to digest everything… maybe she misunderstood. I’m surprised she even told you-”

“I am too! But, we’ve been getting closer, kind of. I think she hates me a little less, at least,” Tori laughed again, feeling especially pathetic with herself. She didn’t blame Jade for talking to Beck about this, as he has definitely known for some time about Jade’s sexuality, but the way he stormed in like the knight in shining armor he thinks he is, just pissed Tori off. He was so desperately trying to get Jade back, that he was now accusing his own friends in the same way Jade used to. That’s something she used to do that he often scolded her for. While she has grown, he clearly has not.

“Alright, I’m sorry I came after you. I’m gonna go see if I can find her,” he mumbled, looking around again.

Tori rolled her eyes as she closed her locker. “Yeah, you do that.”

* * *

Lunch was awkward. Incredibly, painfully awkward.

Tori refused to bring anything up, but Jade was very obviously glaring at Tori the entire time. Cat was rambling about her new art class where they were beginning pottery. Beck and Andre hardly talked. As per usual, Robbie was making the others uncomfortable with his affectionate ways toward Cat that she was too sweet to blatantly reject.

She seemed cool on the outside, but inside Jade was certain she could slip at any moment. Tori never gave her space when she was seemingly upset, but apparently she learned somewhere along the way that her friend needs some time to process her own emotions before other people offer suggestions that they think _should_ work for her. Tori had definitely pushed Jade’s boundaries a few times, but at least it was always with the intention to genuinely help her.

Andre noticed Tori’s resilience to contribute to the conversation, but didn’t comment. Deciding he’s had enough of the tension surrounding the table, he spoke up. “Alright, I’ll say it.”

Tori’s eyes shot straight at Jade, whose eyes met hers halfway. _What the fuck does that mean?_

“Say what?” Jade whispered worriedly after leaning closer to him.

“Someone’s mad at _someone_ , and I can’t figure it out,” Andre’s eyes widened at Jade, suggesting she was the one who had a problem. 

She leaned back in her seat and scowled in confusion. “Nothing’s wrong.”

The brunette took her head in her hands, hours of tension just suddenly rejected by the other person involved. “What the hell? _Nothing’s wrong?!”_

“No, but I could probably _cause_ a problem, if you want me to,” Jade smirked, crossing her arms in a way that made Tori draw her attention to a certain area of Jade’s upper body. She couldn’t admire the view for too long before her eyes burned through Beck.

“Oh, really? That’s not what Beck told me this morning.”

Jade stiffened. “What? What did he tell you?”

Tori’s hand grabbed Andre’s knee discreetly under the table. He let his hand brush over her lower back, letting her ease into it. “Might not be a conversation for right now-”

“Yeah, probably not-” Beck agreed, burning a glare back at Tori.

Jade pushed her food away from her on the table. “Beck, we need to leave, _now.”_

Tori watched as Beck instantly gathered his things with no objection or hesitation. The group of four watched the ex couple walk off in silence.

“Are they… dating again?”

“For fucks sake, probably,” Tori groaned.

“Is that a problem?” Cat asked innocently.

If she didn’t count to three, Tori would have said something incredibly rude in return. _“_ _No.”_

“Tori, relax,” Andre spoke softly. He knew Tori wasn’t good at keeping secrets, but he could see how much this was eating her alive, more than anything else he had seen his friend go through.

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” she muttered as she picked up her things. “Thanks for the tip.”

Robbie stared at Andre until he glanced back, realizing he knew some of the situation. “Tori _does_ want to be with Beck, doesn’t she?”

As awful as Tori was at keeping secrets, Andre was even worse. This was a special occasion that he would keep inside until Tori was ready to share her feelings. Tori would walk out of Andre’s life clean and simple if he ever told anyone else before she was ready for them to know.

Unable to generate a timely response, Andre bursted out laughing. Cat joined in soon after that, but Robbie wasn’t buying it- clearly someone was hiding something.

“Nah, no no no, _nooo…_ definitely not-”

“That sounds like a yes,” Robbie declared with a sly smile on his face.

“Oh trust me, it’s _really_ not. Tori’s fine, now hop off,” Andre’s tone suddenly serious as his eyes focused on Robbie’s sharply.

“I don’t really want Jade and Beck to get back together either,” Cat finally spoke up. She remembered what Jade said over the camping weekend, how she was okay with not being with anyone for a while.

The two boys glanced at her in confusion. “Why not?”

“I mean, she’s seemed a lot happier on her own. Something about her and Beck just didn’t quite fit,” she explained, twirling the ends of her hair with her fingers.

Robbie looked down at his feet, realizing Cat was probably referring to how she’s happier staying on her own. Taking the hint, he clammed up as his shoulders slouched. Andre quickly and gladly fled the scene upon a panicked text from Tori, asking him to meet her at her locker. 

She was sitting on the floor with her back up against the locker below hers. Messy hair framed her face as she looked up wearily at her friend. Before she could speak, Andre’s voice sounded.

“What happened between you and Beck?”  
  
“He confronted me this morning, accusing me of mocking Jade about what we talked about last night, which you _know_ I didn’t do, and-”

Andre held up a hand and shook his head. “Why would he-”

“I don’t know!” Tori cried as tears began to fill her eyes. “I think, well… I don’t know. Maybe Jade took something the wrong way or I said something wrong, I’m new to this and-”

“Yeah no, I’m not buying that. I don’t know _what_ is going on between them.”

Tori’s eyes fell to the floor during the few seconds of silence that followed. Andre began venting about a few times over the summer when Beck blew him off, but Tori couldn’t bring herself to pay attention to detail. She was having her own shit fest for Beck inside her head. Half-hearted nods in agreement to what Andre was saying was all she could offer in between her sporadic thoughts.

Shifting the subject again, Tori finally looked back up at her friend. “I can’t do this anymore, I have to tell her-”

“You’re not saying _shit_ until after auditions tonight,” Andre protested.

“I probably won’t even _make it through auditions_ without exploding if I don’t tell her!”

Andre sighed heavily, lowering himself to sit next to Tori on the floor. As he kicked his feet out in front of him, Tori tried to match his posture and take a few deep breaths.

“Look, I think you need to wait on this a few days-”

“But-”

“Girl, let me finish _please_ ,” he interrupted. “Just give yourself more time, and then this weekend if you still feel the same, maybe you can tell her.”

Tori’s head tilted back, allowing her to stare at the ceiling. “Beck is practically _begging_ her to come back to him, and don’t even get me started on how ironic and obnoxious that is… but if I don’t say anything soon, I could lose my chances and-”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” Andre said softly, offering a small smile to Tori.

She scowled at him, shaking her head at his confidence that they wouldn’t get back together. “Why do you act like you know everything Jade wants, and like, exactly what she’s thinking? There’s no way it always favors me-”

“I just have a feeling about Jade. You already know how I feel. I could be wrong, but I think she’s running from what she wants because she’s scared.”

Tori was unsure how to respond to that. Jade’s not the type to do that, she does anything to get what she wants, even if it harms other people. She’s never been known to not stand her ground and say exactly what’s on her mind, even if other people might not agree with it or appreciate what she has to say. Even if it’s the most out there idea, the most ridiculous idea for a movie plot, the most horrifying project she can dream up, Jade still shares it with confidence. 

The brunette rested her head on her friend’s shoulder. “I want this to go away, it’s too much happening all at once-”

“Pushing it away will only make it worse,” he whispered. 

Instantly, Tori’s body shot straight up again. _“_ _You told me to wait!”_

Andre’s mouth fell open, realizing Tori would take this as seeing the biggest and brightest green light in her life. Although she challenged his previous words, he could see that signature ‘hopeful Tori’ expression glow across her face.

“Yeah, I did, I just mean in the long run if you keep trying to forget it, it’ll just come back to bite you,” he explained frantically. Tori stood up from the floor and pulled out her phone, prompting Andre to groan. “What are you doing?”

“Asking Jade if she wants to hang out after auditions-”

_"Tori!”_

“What! What do I have to lose?”

“Your friendship, perhaps? Your sanity if we’re completely wrong and she mocks you for the rest of time for having a crush on her? She can bully you ten times as much if this doesn’t work the way I think it could-”

Tori waved her hand in the air, dismissing his worries. “I won’t _tell_ her tonight, but I’m going to find out how she feels. I’ll have to think of something, you know, be creative. Bye!” She wandered off with her head bowed toward her phone, furiously typing with quick thumbs. 

Andre was frozen in his spot, desperately hoping he wouldn’t cause the downfall of an unpredictable love hate friendship. " _Fuck."_

* * *

_Why did you have to do that to Tori?_

**_Do what?_ **

_Don’t play dumb. You accused Tori of mocking Jade. You and I both know damn well that would never happen, especially in that situation_

**_Jade was so upset last night, I thought that was why. She called me after she left Tori’s_ **

_Well, it wasn’t easy for her the first time. Tori mentioned they were auditioning for the same part._

**_Yeah, I know._ **

_Alright, well whatever. You still didn’t have to do Tori like that._

**_Tori’s being extra weird lately. Is something going on?_ **

_She’s stressed, you know how she is in the beginning of the school year._

**_No, something’s off. Jade just told me she invited her over again?_ **

_She probably just wants to talk to her about what happened, and all of the weirdness. They’ll figure it out._

**_Well if it means anything, I think Tori and I cleared this up this morning. I kinda realized maybe I was wrong_ **

_Oh, you were wrong. Thanks for owning it._

* * *

Tori looked beautiful, of course. She was across the Blackbox talking to Cat. The dark haired girl scowled a bit at the interaction, knowing Cat wasn’t there to audition. She probably showed up for moral support, something Jade was never great at with Tori. Jade gazed from afar, wondering if Tori felt the same way, based on how extremely uptight she has been about every single thing this week. 

Beck was being annoying and Jade couldn’t deny it. He told her that he simply misunderstood why Jade was so upset last night and automatically assumed Tori was ‘mocking’ her. She had mentioned to her ex boyfriend that Tori was doing her best with a very new topic for her; sure, maybe the questioning comment was a bit unsolicited, but it clearly indicated Tori’s current experience. Jade was unsure of why Beck of all people would immediately demonize Tori when she hadn’t done anything wrong. _Oh, I was upset, but obviously didn’t clear up the reason as to why with him, because I can’t. Duh._

While Tori was putting most of her energy into talking to Jade at the right time to apologize, Jade was doing the same to apologize to the other. _I’m so sorry for anything I’ve ever said about you that was cold and mean. I have been so afraid of you, but I don’t want to be afraid anymore._

But of course, Tori is arguably more horrified than Jade in this scenario. All those walls Jade had built and Tori _still_ went above and beyond for Jade. And her friend was starting to take similar selfless actions to favor Tori. Jade could sometimes be a handful, but Tori never gave up. Tori never pushed Jade away, and now, somehow Jade is completely wrapped up in her friend that would only ever remain, at most, a friend.

“You okay?”

The two words snapped Jade back into reality. Her jaw clenched at the question, the one Beck always asked but never truly cared to know the deep answer to.

“Peachy.”

“Have you talked to Tori yet?”

Jade’s eyes squeezed shut. “Are you my manager?”

Beck leaned back in his chair and groaned. “She’s afraid to approach you, maybe you could go wish her luck-“

“Maybe her fear was instilled by you cornering her this morning,” Jade hissed through her teeth. 

Beck glanced over to Tori, who clinched when her eyes met with his, only to turn back to Cat and whisper.

“Go talk to her,” he insisted while furrowing his brow at Jade.

In a huff, Jade stood up and counted her steps across the room. Tori could see from the corner of her eye that Jade was coming over, and seemed to turn her body as far away from the other without it being obvious. Dark blue eyes met Cat’s first, whose mouth fell open with trembling lips.

“She’s here. I gotta go, good luck, Tori!” the redhead shrieked before disappearing within seconds. Jade’s eyes fell to the floor, allowing Tori to prepare herself for confrontation.

“I’m not mad at you, Beck just misunderstood-“

“I know, I know,” Tori began while her eyes finally melted into Jade’s. “I’m sorry, I just-“

“You’re scared of how you feel,” Jade confirmed. Tori’s sinking heart begged for permission to pour open, soon shut up by the brunette’s mind.

“You have _no_ idea,” Tori replied breathlessly. Her eyes found the ceiling, Jade quickly detecting that this was one of Tori’s ‘try not to cry’ moves.

“I think I understand more than you might know,” she said softly, stepping toward the other. In a split second, Tori imagined a scene where they reached out for each other, pulling the other in for a deep kiss they both had been waiting for. Jade extended her hand and placed it softly on Tori’s wrist, her fingers wrapping around it lightly. “I really do think I know exactly how you feel.”

Tori’s mouth was dry now as sirens went blaring through her mind. “What?”

“You’re scared to say what you want, even though it’s just right there in front of you, already right there… but when you say it out loud it sounds… weird-“

“Jade, I need to tell you that-“

_“It’s 6:30, assigned seating, now!”_

After the two glanced over to the teachers who called a start to the auditions, Jade turned back around to her friend and hugged her quickly before she walked away. “Good luck, you’ll be great,” she whispered before Tori was left craving just another second of the other’s touch.

The audition process began in alphabetical order of last names. Beck was first of the three from the friend group to audition, putting Tori in an especially competitive mindset. He was incredible, as always. Jade knew Tori’s eyes were on her, watching for any reactions to Beck’s acting. Luckily, she had years of practice in being stone cold in reaction to just about anything. Unfortunately, most of it was genuine by this point, not just practice.

Tori’s stomach churned the deeper she lost focus of the moment. _This is such a bad idea. You’re going to regret this. She won’t feel this way. But she’s looking at you, too… And she came out and immediately got all weird about it and went home. And now Beck is mad at you, almost like he’s jealous of you-_

That was the thought that prompted a soft throat clearing from Tori as she squirmed and repositioned her legs in her seat. _Holy shit…_ _what if Andre’s right?_

Jade heard the utterance from the brunette, feeling the need to do the same herself. Something about Beck had Jade confused. Deeply, alarmingly confused. _Don’t do this to yourself, you fucking coward. Go get Tori._

Beck finished his monologue and exchanged a smile with Jade during the applause. Tori’s hands hardly moved, seldom making any sound. He sat back down next to Jade, and then his arm was around her. Tori watched as she leaned into him, beginning a repeating sentence in her head: _you’ll do better than him._

Tori had some time to ignore the fact that Jade’s face was especially pale, noting an expression across the blue eyed girl’s face that suggested remorse. Something Tori had never mastered was compartmentalizing before an audition. Apparently, this was the perfect time to practice. For a few moments, Jade didn’t exist in Tori’s mind. Regardless of this anxiety inducing situation, this play meant something to Tori, too. Jade aside, performing and being a part of this play would prove to be important to her experience at Hollywood Arts, not to mention how important its content is for the community. Miraculously, Tori could focus her own thoughts entirely on herself for a few moments, setting her up to walk confidently to the ‘x’ on the floor once her name was called.

“Good evening. My name is Tori- Victoria Vega, and I’m auditioning for the role of Rebecca in _The Laramie Project_ by Moisés Kaufman.”

_Victoria, I love your voice when you smile, your smile when you’re confident, your confidence in your beautiful and brilliant self. I love you._

“Wonderful! Whenever you’re ready.” Sikowitz leaned back in his chair, wondering how Tori would handle a role for a play with such a heavy topic.

_“I must tell you that when I first heard that you were thinking of coming here, when you first called me, I wanted to say you’ve just kicked me in the stomach. Why are you doing this to me?”_

Jade smiled in her seat, suddenly shimmying out of Beck’s hold to lean forward toward the stage. It was relatable, _why are you doing this to me?_ Tori continued, even better than what she had performed for Jade the night before. The pride she displayed was unlike any confidence Jade had ever seen in Tori, and the reason for this was clear as day. _She really means it._

Beck watched as his ex girlfriend bit her lip while watching the singer nail the monologue without missing a beat. Even he was impressed, but that positive feeling quickly drowned in envy of the attention Jade was giving her.

The room was completely tranced by Tori’s performance; it was like no one was even breathing - Jade certainly wasn’t by the time she was finished with her monologue. 

The brunette’s streak of confidence broke the second she finished. Worried eyes studied Sikowitz, whose facial expressions were never easily detectable of what he was truly thinking. Deciding it was no use to try and read any of the teacher’s faces, Tori quietly made her way back to her seat. 

Jade audition was directly after Tori; she made her way to the ‘x’ after being prompted by the teachers. 

“Hello, I’m Jade West and I am _also_ auditioning for the role of Rebecca.”

Tori smiled upon the brief moment that Jade’s eyes met hers. Just a small smile was exchanged before Jade looked down at her feet and took a deep breath before beginning. The sweet voice Tori loved echoed throughout the room; the brunette shivered whenever Jade’s projected voice filled an entire space. She couldn’t escape her infatuation with the smoothness of her friend’s voice; every sentence sent vibrations all over Tori, she couldn’t deny the obvious desire she felt when Jade was using her stage voice.

She was fully aware of how obvious it would be, if Jade had happened to glance at her friend whose face had admiration written all over it. She was sure if anyone was looking at her, they’d realize _something._

Jade finished her monologue and returned to her seat quietly after a small “thank you.” She didn’t let Beck touch her, like how his arm was around her earlier. She didn’t mind it when he did that earlier, which pissed her off. This wasn’t supposed to happen, she wasn’t supposed to be questioning if she still had feelings for him. She was supposed to hate him with every fiber of her being, not wondering if she could be better for him after their time apart. 

There were a lot of things that weren’t supposed to happen; Beck wasn’t supposed to want Jade back, Jade wasn’t supposed to be in love with Tori, and she certainly wasn’t supposed to wonder if she could work it out with Beck. Tori wasn’t supposed to make Jade fall in love with her, but it was impossible to not let it happen.

Tori wasn’t supposed to see what happened between Jade and Beck after auditions were dismissed. They had been talking, nothing Tori could hear, when there was a pause and lingering looks between them. He took her face in his hands quickly, bringing her in for a quick kiss and Tori saw the entire thing. She saw how Jade broke away and looked down at her feet laughing. Tori just wasn’t aware of the reason for Jade’s uncomfortable laughter.

“What was that?”

“Oh, um. Sorry. I guess I just read the moment wrong,” Beck muttered while rubbing his face.

That accident was the only thing Jade needed to know she couldn’t be any more _not_ into Beck. A massive wave of relief washed over her knowing she could shut that voice up in her head. “Um, it’s okay. I know we’re kinda rebuilding our friendship, but.. Let’s not do _that_ again.”

He laughed as he rubbed her arm up and down. “Sure, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m gonna go congratulate Tori.”

“Good idea, see ya,” Beck called to Jade who was already making her way across the room. He pulled out his phone to text Andre about his impulsive move, while Jade noticed something was off with Tori.

Jade cleared her throat to bring attention to her presence. “Hey, you did really amazing-”

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tori quickly shot back as she refused to glance at the other.

Jade waited for Tori’s nerves to hopefully settle after a few seconds. “I thought you wanted to hang out tonight?”

 _Fuck._ “Oh, I’m sorry. I totally forgot, um, I really should be finishing up and practicing my song for Friday, though. Maybe another time?”

Jade had never been blown off by Tori, but she very quickly knew she didn’t like this new feeling. “Sure, whatever.”

The brunette threw her bag over her shoulder, continuing to shy away from Jade. “I’m _really_ sorry-”

“Tori, can I ask you something?” 

Finally, brown eyes met Jade’s, sending a shiver down the pale girl’s spine. She was clearly upset, and Jade was positive she knew why. Tori didn’t say anything, but Jade took the eye contact as permission to continue.

“Did you um, see what Beck just-”

“Yeah, I sure did. And?”

Jade was taken aback by Tori’s tone, scowling in disbelief that she would go so far as to blow off their plans because she’s so upset about this. “ _That’s_ why you’re upset?”

Tori sighed and pushed her hair out of her face. “You know, I thought I was, but maybe I should be relieved.”

“What are you talking ab-”

“I really need to go, Jade. Your audition was really great too, by the way,” Tori offered the compliment before turning and heading for the back door.

Jade was frozen in her spot, watching the door slowly close behind her friend. _Relieved of what?_

* * *

Tori would have called Andre, but she didn’t. She snapped at her mom who had driven her home from the audition, and she was silent through dinner with her family. Her parents figured the audition went poorly, so they didn’t pry because they know how hard Tori can be on herself and how hard it can be talking about it for her; they wanted Tori to have the comfort to bring it up when and if she wanted to. At least until after dinner, once she could eat and hopefully clear her mind a little bit of all of the bad things.

“I’m gonna go for a bike ride,” Tori muttered after placing her dishes in the dishwasher.

Her mom scowled. “It’s getting dark, are you sure?”

Tori scoffed as she slipped her sneakers on by the back door. “I’ll be fine, just around the corner and back.”

Holly crossed her arms and gave one last glance at her worry ridden daughter. “Be safe. And please, wear your helmet for once.”

The senior slipped out the door, queuing her playlist titled ‘ _don’t cry’_ and pressing her earbuds into her ears _._ The title often prompted her to do quite the opposite once she was finally alone. There was nothing left to do except forget about Jade, and forget that she ever had feelings for her in the first place. Tori wished she could hate her, but that wouldn’t be fair. Jade didn’t do anything wrong, and frankly it made sense to Tori; Jade would handle her emotions better and go back to Beck. He had been the only person for so long to appreciate the better things about her. How can she be mad about it?

Right as she stepped on the bike, her phone buzzed in her pocket. She stopped the bike’s movement with her feet.

**_Are you okay? Beck texted me._ **

_I’ll deal with that later,_ Tori thought, propelling herself yet again.

_This is fine. This happened for a reason. You’re not meant to be with her, and everything happens for a reason._

Tori couldn’t stand to think about how Jade would quickly become a memory after this year. They’d go their separate ways after graduation, go to different colleges, Jade would continue to flourish and grow as a person, and Tori would always regret having these giant feelings and realizing them too late. She would regret never giving this a shot, she would regret ignoring her feelings for so long, she would regret not telling Jade anyway, whether Beck had kissed her or not.

Most of all, Tori would regret not putting a helmet on like her mom had asked her to. She failed to even hear the car that came in on her left side, she only felt her head crashing into the concrete after being slammed onto the front of the vehicle. 

_“Oh God, look what you’ve done!”_

Before fading out, weary eyes made out a blurred image of two pairs of feet in front of her, angry voices yelling back and forth at each other.

“ _Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, Jesus it’s just a fucking kid!”_

_“Call 911, idiot.”_

A stream of blood trickled down between two brown eyes that slowly fluttered shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, I am so sorry. leave a comment, I'll be excited to know how much u hate me for this! (no she doesn't die don't worry)


	4. incredible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tori and friends at hospital. Jade has many regrets.

They might as well have not gone to school today. No one knew what to say, how to act, how to function normally. Tori was going to be okay, but that’s about the only information they had received since 6 AM. In Holly’s words, “she is incredibly lucky to even be alive.”

A text came and the end of the school day from Tori’s mom to the friend group: **_She’s ready for visitors. Come by after school today_ **

They all have had Mrs. Vega’s phone number in case of an emergency for a long time, but it was never really necessary to reach her. This certainly wasn’t the first interaction Jade wanted with her crush’s mom over the phone.

Andre knew he was speeding, but it would be worth it to get a ticket if it meant getting to his best friend quicker. Cat and Robbie were also in the car, but none of them had spoken more than ten words the entire ride. The redhead cried quietly in the back seat, thinking about how horribly she handles death and how horrified she is of it. Luckily, this was just a close call and not another battle she’d have to fight. Robbie held the weeping girl in the backseat, murmuring reassuring words and staring out the window.

Beck and Jade rode separately, upon her request. Jade was familiar with feeling numb, but never as intensely as this. She imagined herself genuinely reacting to this situation; screaming, crying, holding Tori and never letting go, and she couldn’t let anyone see that reaction. All she could do was the opposite, and maybe she could get through the rest of the week without falling off the deep end.

She wondered the dreaded thought, _Was this somewhat intentional? Tori would never... I guess I don’t know for sure._ Jade shook her head, refocusing on the traffic light they were stopped at. 

“You okay?” Beck asked. Jade didn’t tense up this time, the way she usually does. 

“No.”

His hand hovered over her knee, a motion she caught out of the corner of her eye. He placed it back on the wheel, reminding himself that there are new boundaries set now. “She’s gonna be okay.”

“Do you realize how traumatic this is?”

“I know, I know…” he trailed off, silencing himself to allow for Jade to sit with her emotions without protest. 

“I feel like it’s my fault.”

He scowled as he glanced at her. “How could this be your fault?”

“She was upset, um-” Jade paused, cringing at what she was about to say. The light turned green. “She saw you kiss me.”

“Okay, why would that upset her?”  
  
Jade’s lips pressed together before she was aware of the sensation, biting down on her bottom lip to ease her anxiety. “Maybe she has a secret.”

Beck scoffed. “Nah, you’re reading way too far into things. There’s nothing between us.”

The dark haired girl laughed, too. “Maybe I am. I don’t know, she blew me off last night. She could hardly look at me.”

“Well, you’re competing for the same role of one of your last plays as Hollywood Arts students. Of course she’s going to be out of sorts with you.”

Jade’s eyes watered upon seeing the sign for the hospital out her window. “Yeah.”

Beck led Jade inside with a hand on her back. Normally, she would have yelled at him for touching her, but she didn’t mind being grounded. Hospitals had never bothered Jade, but something told her that might change after today. The bright lights didn’t help her already burning eyes.

“Hi, Holly Vega invited us to see our friend, Tori,” Beck explained to the man at the desk, who politely led the two down the proper hallway. The others hadn’t arrived yet; Beck had lost Andre behind him on the road but Jade insisted that they go in immediately. She was sure she could throw up with ease; she took a mental note of how to get back to the bathroom they had passed on their way to the room. The nurse greeted Holly first and confirmed that she knew who we were. Jade watched as Tori’s mom wrapped her arms around Beck tight first. He hugged her back sincerely, before she let him go and repeated the same embrace with Jade. She hugged the exact same way Tori does, soft and warm at first, and a brief but strong squeeze before letting go.

“Uh, I don’t know how to do this. I didn’t, um…” she broke into tears, pressing her face into her hand and looking away. Beck rested his hand on her shoulder to calm her.

“Where’s Mr.?”

“He’s talking with the doctor in another room, out of the way so all of you kids can have some time with her.”

Jade realized she had never interacted with Mrs. Vega all that much, a huge wave of guilt washing over her for being so indifferent to her in the past. She knew how much Tori loved her mom and how supportive she was. 

“I don’t know how to tell you two, that Tori… well… she won’t-”

“Mom?” A weak voice sounded from inside the room. Jade normally would have pushed right through Holly to get inside, but instead stared worriedly at her and couldn’t move. She couldn’t bring herself to tell them what was going on. 

Mrs. Vega glanced back and forth between Beck and Jade and took a deep breath. “I think you’ll quickly understand once you go say hi,” she prompted softly.

Jade’s feet felt heavy as she slowly entered the room behind Beck. Her heart broke at the sight of Tori’s condition, but he couldn’t help but to cry as her friend offered a small smile to them both. Her hair was tangled, something Jade never failed to find adorable in every rare instance that the brunette’s hair wasn’t perfectly curled. Her hair seemed to still have some blood stained in it on one side of her face, where a cut started on her forehead and continued behind her left ear. She had a cast around her left forearm as well, but other than that there were no other noticeable signs of injury.

“Hi Tori,” Beck whispered before sitting down in a chair next to her bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Hi, my head hurts but I’m okay… Sorry, um-”

Jade laughed with relief after hearing her friend’s voice after what seemed like years without. “She’s still apologizing for everything,” she looked to Beck who shared the laugh with her.

“Tori, these are two of your friends, Beck and Jade.”

Jade felt her heart erupting in her chest as she took several moments to process the enormous realization caused by Holly’s introduction of her and Beck. _She doesn’t remember us. She doesn’t remember what we talked about. She doesn’t remember telling me she likes girls._

The brunette wasn’t the only one in the room who looked as if she was about to cry. “Wow. That’s so nice of you to come here so quickly. Um, do either of you know Trina?”

“Oh, yeah. We know Trina,” Beck replied softly, also deflated from the reality that diminished every flicker of hope he had somehow mustered up since the text from Andre this morning.

Tori laughed shakily though it seemed to hurt her. She paused to take a deep breath before speaking. “I’m sure you have a lot of opinions about her.”

Brown eyes shifted their focus from the boy with the long hair to the especially dark and gloomy girl sitting next to him. Tori was told a few things about each of her friends, but she knew that her parent’s opinions of her friends wouldn’t match how she saw them before. Her mom had described Jade as a “bit of a grouch, but great sense of humour.” Her dad felt incredibly negatively about Jade, specifically about how she dressed and treated Tori several times throughout school. Tori knew that her dad was often over protective, though, and had absolutely no reason to judge someone she no longer knew for what they might have done before today. 

“Jade, if my dad says anything mean to you, I’m sorry.”

Holly laughed loudly, sounding as if she has needed a real laugh for a long time after this nightmare. “He could say something mean about all of your friends, Tori. Not just her.”

Tori watched as Beck scowled and turned his head toward Mrs. Vega. “What doesn’t he like about me?”

“Your hair,” she whispered while scrunching her face. Jade chuckled under her breath and crossed her legs.

“Tori, I don’t want you to apologize for anything. Um…” she stopped to look at Beck, who was surprised in Jade’s apparent calm nature. Inside, she was feeling about every other emotion in existence besides calm. Holding eye contact with Tori was chilling when Jade realized those infamous lingering glances no longer meant what they might have meant before. 

“I’m sure that a lot is going to come up. You know, memories, filling in the gaps of um… what you might not remember…” _Shit. Don’t cry now._ “But regardless of anything you might learn about me and my past, I’m going to be _such_ a good friend to you. I promise.”

Jade wasn’t quite sure how she managed to force all of that out with the minimal amount of time she had to process the fact that the girl she had fallen for no longer remembered her. Tori smiled her same, warm smile that Jade remembered. Like she still saw the whole world in Jade.

“Thank you… I’m sorry that I don’t remember-”

“Nope. We’re here for you. Whatever you need or are curious about, whatever you need help with, we are here for you. We always have been,” Beck said firmly with a small smile. 

“We’re going to get through this together, I promise,” Jade’s voice was smooth, collected.

Tori began crying, overwhelmed by all of the unconditional love and support presented to her since the moment she woke up. Jade fought the urge to leap out of her seat and hold her.

Beck and Jade _almost_ seemed familiar to her; like people she had seen in a dream years ago. A significant event that she knew happened somewhere in her mind, but if you hadn’t told her that these two were her friends, she would have likely never thought anything of them. Beck gave a nice first impression, a calming nature about him and a smile that made Tori feel welcome. Jade looked a little rough on the outside, but clearly she has a huge soft side to her and that’s all Tori needs to know in order to be comfortable with connecting with her again. 

Jade had an unlimited amount of questions she wanted to ask Tori, but figured it shouldn’t be something that she asks Tori. Most of this was going to have to be prompted when Tori herself was comfortable sharing. Nothing was the same, everything needed to be rewritten. Jade was going to make everything right again. Well, not again. Right like it should have been before. She was determined to give Tori what she deserves and not be a coward anymore. There’s no time for that, time is fragile.

Andre, Cat, and Robbie appeared at the door, greeting Holly and stepping in quietly. Cat shrieked, and though Jade wasn’t watching the bubbly redhead, she was pretty sure it was a positive squeak. 

“Tori! I’m so sorry you’re- oh my God-”

“I’m okay, it’s okay. Don’t be upset.”

Jade’s stomach turned. _How can she still be this comforting and selfless to her friends when she’s the one whose life just got ruined?_

“Tori! Hey beautiful,” Andre smiled, suddenly choking up and holding back tears himself. Jade and Beck offered their seats to trade spots with Cat and Andre. 

“Wow, I’m so glad you’re okay,” Robbie spoke in a hushed tone after sighing.

“Did you guys get caught up in traffic somewhere?” Beck asked.

Andre sighed, throwing his hands in the air. “I got pulled over.”

“Yikes, did they ticket you?” Jade asked while studying Tori’s confused face.

“Nah, I told him why I was speeding. He knew exactly who I was talking about too, which was kind of weird. But at least I don’t have a ticket.”

“Well, I’m glad you all made it here in one piece.” Holly had walked to the other side of Tori’s bed to sit close and rest her hand on Tori’s bare wrist. “This is Cat, Andre, and Robbie,” she pointed to each friend respectively.

Cat’s eyes widened. “Why are you doing that?”

Andre and Robbie picked up the hint quickly after exchanging looks with Beck and Jade, only to feel their souls sinking in their bodies.

“Oh, honey. Tori has lost a few years of her memory from the accident. So she doesn’t remember any of Hollywood Arts, or anyone from it…”

“What? Why?” Cat’s voice broke as she tried to hold back tears. Jade was over in a split second with her hand on Cat’s shoulder for comfort.

“Well, sometimes when you get in an accident, you hit your head and have a bit of amnesia-“

“We’ll explain more later, Cat,” Jade interrupted while holding eye contact with Mrs. Vega. She offered the younger girl an appreciative smile as a thank you for steering the direction another way.

“It’s not fair,” she finally cried. Tori watched the way Jade comforted her, how undeniably hurt she was by the crying girl and how torn she was. Jade softly brushed over long locks of beautifully curled hair, making Tori smile.

“I’m sorry, Cat.”

“No, Tori. Don’t apologize, that’s silly,” Cat finally managed between cries. She calmed herself rather quickly, knowing it wouldn’t be easy for Tori to see someone she doesn’t even know so upset.

Tori scowled for a moment, remembering something her mom has told her about a friend. “One of you has a puppet?” She glanced at Beck first, already forgetting which name belonged to which boy, who put his hands up and shook his head.

“This is definitely not a good time and place for you to uh, meet Rex. He’s at home,” Robbie replied simply. “He can be, well-“

“Downright obnoxious and rude,” Jade finished his sentence for him, the first clear indication of the bit of edge Jade had to her. Tori appreciated it and laughed softly at Jade’s words. 

Jade felt a warmth growing in her chest. _Well that’s different, she would never laugh at that before._

“Well, isn’t it just you saying everything for him? You know, because he’s _your_ puppet?”

A tension arose in the silent room as several concerned glances were exchanged. “We’ll get into that another day,” Andre finally concluded. 

Tori scowled, a bit concerned with how dramatically the tone shifted, but shrugged and pushed herself up to sit up taller in her bed. “I can’t believe you’re all my friends from Hollywood Arts… it’s so weird to me.”

“Well, do you know the whole story of how you got in?”

“No, that was actually something my mom wanted to wait to talk about-“

“Trina won’t be here for another hour or so, her flight from New York had a delay of course,” Holly explained. “We figured she might want to be here to talk about that part.”

“Of course,” Robbie replied with a smile. “So, how can we help?”

A rather vague and question to be asked in a situation like this, but Jade didn’t argue it like she normally might have, as she also wanted to be of use to help Tori get through this. 

“We could all go around and tell our favorite memory involving Tori from Hollywood Arts,” Cat suggested.

“Oh boy,” Tori laughed. “This should be interesting.”

“Honey, are you comfortable with that? Or do you need some time, I’m sure this is all overwhelming-”  
  
“No mom, it’s okay. I’m excited, this will be fun,” Tori assured. Her mother noticed that her energy and mood had reached a peak since waking several hours ago. 

“Alright, one story from everyone, and then Tori should probably rest.”

“I’ll go first, but oh my God there are too many!” Cat began giggling for an uncomfortable amount of time, never beginning a story. Andre gently reminded her to share something, and Jade watched how Tori reacted patiently with her, not a single negative expression in all that time.

“Okay, well a while ago, we sang a really fun song at this place called Karaoke Dokie for our friends!”

“Karaoke Dokie?” Tori echoed. Her familiar and adorable scowl made Jade smirk. “Like a karaoke place?”

“Yeah! All of us go there all of the time. They have food, and really cool people sing and perform, and one time you _destroyed_ these girls in a singing competition.”

Tori’s face slowly fell as she was clouded by her own thoughts. “That’s… crazy I-I mean, I’d never do anything like that, before…”

“This school has really changed you, Tori. That’s only the beginning.”

“Tori, one time you donated blood to me right before you had to perform in a play at school. You uh… didn’t do very well. They kept dropping and losing your blood at the hospital, so they took way too much out of you. You could hardly function by the time you had to go on stage…”

Jade felt overwhelming guilt as Robbie shared his story, some nasty and selfish time she thought might not cause too much harm to Tori, but in hindsight was actually dreadful to look back on. Especially after this.

“...You had such strong determination to go through with your commitment, even after being so selfless in order to help me.”

It was hardly a second before Andre began his story. “One time, we wrote a song for your sister-“

“You’re the Reason?” All of the friends flinched at Tori’s remembrance of the song, hopeful eyes gazing up to her. Tori’s mom squeezed her hand as she got emotional. Her parents had recorded Tori’s performance in the living room that night, and her dad showed her a few hours ago. 

“Um, I watched a video earlier. The song just sounded so familiar, almost like I had known it before-“

“Well you did. That song was _yours_ and it was amazing. Anyway, some mix ups happened, we kind of ended up losing the song to some producers who worked with Beyoncé, and she was interested in it but he had already bought the song off of Trina-“

“What?! My-sorry, _our_ song that I sang first in the world interested _Beyoncé?!”_

“Yeah. Never heard anything about it again.”

Jade’s heart began racing again once Tori locked eyes with her. _I can’t believe I’m_ _a stranger to her._

“You’re incredible.”

Beck’s eyes shifted toward his ex girlfriend, who was leaning forward in her chair and studying her friend. No one else in the room had ever heard Jade say something this nice to Tori. Andre smirked as Jade continued.

“One time, we were on a- uh, well, ‘date’ at this restaurant-“

“A date?” Tori blushed while tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

Jade blushed even harder. “We were supposed to play husband and wife in a play. Our teacher made us go on a pretend date because, well… sometimes we would argue-“

“Jade was _so_ mean to you,” Andre smiled while telling this to Tori, and winked at Jade once meeting her eyes again. 

Tori laughed, “Maybe I deserved it.”

“No, no, believe me you _really_ didn’t. But um, anyway,” she paused to find the right words to tell the story. Beck was astonished at Jade’s behavior toward the girl she had spent the last two years torturing. She was simply focusing on not vomiting everywhere, and thinking about this day made that incredibly difficult.

“These two guys were all over us, and we had quite the way of telling them to fuck off-“

“Jade,” Beck interjected, eyeing Mrs. Vega across the room.

“It’s okay. I would have told them to fuck off myself if I were there,” Holly replied, causing everyone to burst out laughing. Tori looked back to Jade with such interest in her eyes, and the dark haired girl felt incredibly lucky in a way, to fall in love with Tori all over again.

“We sang this song that completely told them off, it was badass. We completely burned the house down,” Jade shifted gears quickly after finishing her story, turning back to Tori’s mom while folding her arms. “Are you sure this isn’t, you know, too much for us all to be here at the same time?”

Holly began to speak for Tori, “No, um-”

“I wanted to meet you all, I asked if you could come here. You’re all people I had texted recently, I saw in my phone. God, you think _this_ is overwhelming? Think of all of the old texts I have to read to try and catch up with you all, with _myself-”_

“Don’t push yourself, Tori. Baby steps, that’s all you gotta do.”

Jade was weighing the likeliness of her running to the bathroom as soon as she exited the room as her stomach churned again. _You fucking idiot. You fucking coward, absolute moron. She’s going to hate you after she reads your texts._

“Tori, you standing up to Sikowitz on one of your first days at Hollywood Arts is a memory of you I’ll never forget,” Beck began, the others agreeing with laughter. “You roasted that man like a marshmallow.”

“Burned to a crisp!” Andre added.

The brunette scowled yet again. “Siko-what?”

“Sikowitz! He’s our acting teacher,” Cat explained while twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

“God, did I get in trouble?”

“No, quite the opposite actually. You were defending your acting choices, which was exactly what he wanted you to do. He kind of played a mind game, it’s what he does to every new student at Hollywood Arts. It’s kind of a long story…” he trailed off. Tori couldn’t bring herself to imagine a scenario in which she would genuinely disrespect a teacher in front of an entire class.

“Well, as long as it was what he was looking for-”

“He deserved it, sweetie,” Holly comforted her while rubbing her arm gently. 

Tori was undoubtedly devastated, yet somehow ecstatic to rediscover herself. She had spent her young lifetime in constant self-doubt, but now she has a close knit group of great friends who clearly see a lot in her and know exactly what she is capable of. Maybe she wouldn’t doubt her abilities this time, and the more she found these little artifacts of her time at Hollywood Arts, the more proof she’d have that she is capable of doing incredible things. 

“Well, we should probably get going so you can take some time to absorb… all of that,” Beck said while glancing to Jade while she gazed at the floor stone cold.

“We love you so much, Tori,” Cat said sweetly, her bright eyes sparkling as she smiled at the brunette. 

Tori laughed, her breath faltering while holding back a cry. “I’m so lucky, I just want to hug you all.”

“We’ll squeeze ya another day when you’re feeling better, promise,” Andre beamed at her. He let his hand rest on top of Tori’s gently, before sharing a smile with her and choking up while walking away from the bed. Beck wrapped his arm around Andre, while Cat and Robbie began slowly moving out of the room. Jade couldn’t move as she tried to come up with a million justifications to her mean texts to Tori over the years. She figured it would probably make it worse to make a huge deal about it to her, and she couldn’t control whatever the new version of ‘Jade’ would be in Tori’s head. At least not based on old texts.

Finally, the blue eyed girl stood up, but made her way to Tori’s side rather than the door. She took her friend’s hand with both of her own, feeling the warmth melt into her hands as a tear finally fell from her eye. “You’re incredible. I meant it.”

Holly watched as Jade looked down at her hands holding Tori’s, noticing the way she seemed to crumble before saying goodbye. Within a few moments, Jade left the room and was silent down the hallway.

“You said _she’s_ the mean one?” Tori asked, motioning her hand toward the door.

Holly’s eyebrows raised as she shook her head slightly, as to clear her mind from confusion. “Um, yeah. Maybe her true colors are shining through.”

Tori blinked. “Meaning, the ‘mean’ Jade wasn’t her true personality?”

“Maybe not,” she replied, sitting on the edge of Tori’s bed. “Now, I know you really wanted to meet them, but there’s no pressure to be friends with them again. I’m not discouraging you from befriending them again. I have become fond of them, but you don’t need to try to pick up every piece from before-”

“No, I do. I mean, I know I don’t _need_ to, but I don’t know. Clearly they’ve been by my side through school, and clearly they want to keep doing that. I don’t want to just leave them because I don’t remember.”

“And that’s fair. But this is about _you_ , so if for some reason you find yourself not connecting with them, I’m sure they would understand.”

 _It’s senior year, what else am I going to do?_ “Okay, mom.”

Mrs. Vega took a deep sigh, leaning down to hug her daughter. Tori took a nap until Trina arrived, who appeared in the doorway and immediately burst into tears. David had met her in the lobby and showed her the way upstairs. Trina had already spent quite some time talking to Tori over the phone today, but finally being there in person was incredibly relieving. The younger sister had never remembered a time where Trina had been especially emotional, at least not on anyone else’s behalf. 

“You couldn’t have made it a whole week through senior year, huh?” Trina laughed between cries, wiping the tears off her face.

“Apparently not,” Tori groaned. “I can’t believe you’re going to college for pre-law now!”  
  
“Ugh, why does everyone ask me that, like it's so unbelievable?”

Tori and Holly’s eyes widened. The brunette stammered before responding, “Uh, well it’s just really awesome!”

“Thanks, I love New York. Ugh why are we talking about _me-”_

“Usually we never stop,” David murmured before Trina gave him a glare. He had been quiet all day, and could hardly bear to look at Tori after being one of the responders to her accident. He saw his unconscious daughter upon arriving at the scene, sprawled on the asphalt like roadkill and blood across her face and neck. At least he was able to say he had never been so happy to send a drunk driver to jail.

“I don’t know what the best thing is to do to help right now, but whatever you need, I will always be here for you,” her sister assured while turning back to Tori.

“Thanks, Trina. I’m just worried they won’t let me back in at Hollywood Arts…”  
  
“Oh, please. You exude talent constantly, this will be a big story for them! How high school senior Tori Vega goes through a traumatic event and _still_ is an incredible performer. I’m not quite sure how classes will work, you know, what you have to relearn which is like, _everything_ but-”

“Don’t worry, honey. I’m not going to let them push you out of that school, and I really don’t think any of them would want to do that to you, either. A lot will have to be discussed, though, _a lot,”_ David spoke sternly, forcing himself to look at Tori.

“Do you think they’ll make me repeat the last few years?”  
  
Holly chimed in while glancing at David. “No, maybe a few classes though somehow. I’m sure they’ll make a specific plan for you and give you all the resources you need. And your friends will help you, too.”

“Oh, Trina I wanted to ask you. Which of my friends do you like best?”  
  
“Beck,” she answered immediately with a sober face.

Tori rolled her eyes, anticipating a certain answer. “And why’s that?”

“He’s hot.”

“Trina,” David sighed and rubbed his forehead, unsure of how to even scold her with how exhausted he was.

Holly cleared her throat and crossed her arms. “Andre has always seemed to be your closest friend. He’s always supported you, since the day you sang in Trina’s place and you were asked to be in Hollywood Arts in the first place.”

Trina sighed dramatically, knowing that her mom had asked her ahead of time to tell the story. Mostly, Holly wanted Trina to acknowledge her sister’s talent without making it about herself somehow, for once. The older sister surprisingly had already accomplished that.

“I had an allergic reaction for this really important performance. I drank this stuff that was supposed to make me sing better, but my entire face swelled up, and they needed someone to fill the place to keep things running smoothly. Andre had been at our house for practice before that day, he played piano for the song I was singing for the performance. He knew you had memorized the song just from hearing the rehearsals, so you did it for me. Everyone was blown away, even me. I had never seen you shine like that.”

 _Will I ever experience anything authentically again?_ All these stories after being awake again for only a few hours caused this question to burn in Tori’s mind over and over again. Sure, she had a lot of memories to re learn and experience, tons of relationships to learn about and process, but all of her achievements up to this point were hardly imaginable. Were they even achievements if she doesn’t remember? Sure, she was going to have an incredible support system of people who would help her through this in every way possible, but if Tori couldn’t experience these emotions in real time rather than looking back on years she doesn’t remember, will they even end up meaning anything to her at all?

“God, I hate this.”

Holly scowled, wondering the source of Tori’s newfound negative energy. “What’s wrong?”

“I can think of a few things,” Tori laughed, holding back tears again. “You now what I remember clearly? Running. It’s all I want to do right now.”

The mom and sister were silent, glancing back and forth between each other and Tori. “You’ll be home in a few days, but you need _at least_ two weeks of rest with minimum physical activity and stimulation-”  
  
“ _What?”_

“I’m sorry, but that’s what we need you to do. You’re going to go through a lot, and we need to make sure you’re ready to go back to normal and everything is going okay.”

Trina wished she could stay home to show that she actually can be selfless. She wished she had unlearned her selfish behavior sooner, rather than when her sister nearly almost died. With Tori’s memory putting her back in Freshman year, Trina couldn’t bare the thought of Tori being alone in the house, how much mom and dad’s job schedules would have to change to stay home with her, how pained the distant family will be moving forward. It’s just not fair.

“I’m so stupid-”

“Tori, we can’t talk about the situation like that. We don’t see you as stupid, it’s not your fault someone hit you-”  
  
“Well yeah but if I had just listened to you and put on-”

“We _cannot_ be hung up on that, and we won’t. None of us are mad at you, and we can’t look at that anymore. We’re looking at you, and making sure you’re okay. You have a beautiful life ahead of you and we love you _so_ much,” David had stood up and rested his hand on Tori’s shoulder by the time he was done speaking. She looked up at him with watery eyes, incredibly thankful that he was at the scene of the accident.

“I love you guys, too. So much.”

* * *

Friday, April 17th 4:56 PM

Good luck tonight.

**_awww! thanks Jade :)_ **

_Don’t push it._

**_i’ll blow a kiss to you from the stage_ **😘

_Gross, I’ll choke on it._

**_me, Cat, and Andre are gonna go to Nozu after, do you want to come?_ **

_I think I’ll pass, but thanks_

**_ughh you never want to hang out with us_ **

_Why would I? I’m not your friend_

**_you literally just texted me on your own time to wish me luck?_ **

_I thought you might need it._

**_ouch. I know you’re just being mean because you like me_ **😜

_Keep telling yourself that, Vega_

Jade had been scrolling through her phone for almost an hour reading all of these messages. They never texted much, but usually at least one small conversation per day. _How the fuck would anyone explain this one? She’s going to think I’m such a bitch. Well, I am._

Tuesday, April 14th 10:22 AM

_I need to borrow your homework for history._

**_and you need to pay attention in class_ ** **😉**

_YOU need to watch your back!_

**_i’m not going to get in trouble, he’ll know if we cheated!_ **

_I’ll change the answers, I’m not stupid._

**_oh come on, he’ll still know. Would you like help with the homework?_ **

_I’d rather die than be tutored by you._

_**b**_ ** _ut we can have snacks and beverages_** 👩🏽‍🍳

_...If I wasn’t failing I’d say no, but sure. What time?_

**_you can drive me home from school and just stay over, works perfectly!_ **

_Absolutely not._

**_no ride = no help. vroom vroom!_ **

_I couldn’t hate you any more._

**_see you at lunch!_ **

Monday, April 13th 7:41 PM

_effective._

_Power_ لُلُصّبُلُلصّبُررً ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗

**_wtf was that???_ **

_I possessed your phone. Did it shut off and restart?_

**_yes… HOW DID YOU DO THAT?_ **

_It’s a secret_ 😈

**_you’re the worst, Jade_ **

_Your 🧠 is next…_

**_please seek help._ **

_The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start._

**_are you high?_ **

_No…_ 😉

**_hugs not drugs ✋_ **

**🙄** _Omg take a joke for once, would you?_

**_you don’t think I know why your brother and you have a movie marathon every winter break and you’re like MIA for hours??_ **

_Yikes. You got me there. I’m not right now though, serious_

**_okay, good. bc you didn’t even invite me_ **

_No way. You have NOT._

**_I have a cool uncle, he hooks me up on our family “camping” trips over the summer._ **

_I bet you’re a one hit wonder type of gal._

**_maybe I am, maybe i’m not. but okay let’s stop talking about it_ **

**_I'm literally going to delete this entire conversation_ **

**_I’m so paranoid my parents will find it somehow_ **

_Wtf, do they go through your phone?_

**_lol no, but my dad’s a cop, so you know. just extra paranoid about it_ **

_Don’t tell me you think David’s never smoked a doobie in his life_ 😏

**_I mean, okay. PROBABLY but he’s a COP NOW._ **

**_now leave me alone_ ** 😒

Thursday, April 9th 6:12 PM

**_are you sure you’re okay with driving me to school tomorrow?_ **

_I offered. Why wouldn’t I be?_

**_well, you’ve never offered before and I’m just surprised_ **

_You’re questioning it again._

**_honestly, I am. you say all the time that we’re not friends, and now suddenly you show up out of nowhere and offer me a ride. like what gives?  
_ ** ****

Jade remembered this conversation as clear as day. She played it off like something really bad was going to happen to Tori, and although she did end up walking to school, Jade just wanted to test Tori’s limits. She was genuinely surprised Tori had taken the offer in the first place, and rather than scolding Jade afterward, she just left the situation and never brought it up again. Jade was giving her every reason to yell at her, and she still didn’t do it.

_Well, I don’t want Beck to drive you again._

**_fine. don’t be weird or scary, PLEASE_ **

_I would never ;)_

Thursday, April 9th 4:12 PM

_Can I ask you something?_

**_if this is about earlier, I don’t really want to talk about it_ **

_Okay, no worries. Are you feeling better?_

**_idk, i guess a little_ **

_Sorry if I have this wrong, but I’ve had panic attacks, too. I wouldn’t bring it up if I didn’t think I could relate and help, you know, if you ever need it._

Tori had run out of a class while watching a film. There weren't any content warnings, no violence, no typical theme that might trigger someone. Jade wasn’t sure if it was something in the film that had put Tori off, or something in her mind causing her leg to shake uncontrollably, causing her to take little sips of water excessively and her hand through her hair several times before leaving the dark classroom. The teacher had gone out to talk to her, and by the time they were done class had already ended and school was dismissed for the day. 

**_it’s happened before. never that intensely, I thought I was going to puke honestly_ **

_That’s normal. I’m sorry that happened. If it ever happens again, please reach out to me because I know it’s tough. I can try to help walk you through it if you want_

**_wow um, thanks that’s insanely nice of you_ **

_I just know it hurts when some people downplay it. I know it’s big and scary, and I won’t take it lightly, you know, tell you to “chill out”_

**_like how Beck always told you to “chill out?”_ **

_… Yeah_

**_I’ll never say that to you, I’m sorry_ **

_Don’t worry about it. Now fuck off, stop making this too nice of a conversation_

**_fuck you, too_ ** **❤️**

Jade locked her phone to give her eyes a break and stared at the ceiling fan. It was 1 AM, her stomach was empty from vomiting, and she could hardly keep her eyes open at this point. She would pick up where she left off tomorrow with texts, but at the same time she hardly wanted to wake up at all in the morning.

She unlocked her phone once again, staring at the text she had sent minutes before Tori was struck by the moving vehicle:

Wednesday, September 9th 6:44 PM

_I really need to talk to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!
> 
> PS. I AM FINALLY GOING TO UPDATE THE STORY SUMMARY AND TAGS INCLUDING SPOILERS because well, here we are.


	5. the closest thing to normalcy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade's mental health begins to deteriorate, Tori learns where she has been as a student the last two years, and how her final year will play out at Hollywood Arts.

_I never truly understood what you saw in me. The day I framed you for punching me in the face and giving me a black eye for our stage fighting assignment, you shouldn’t have been nice to me. I specifically told you that this isn’t how it’s supposed to work, you’re not supposed to show me patience and understanding when I was nothing but a jealous bitch. How I’ve changed is my true and honest hard work to counter my self deprecating ways, but your continued compassion and care for me is what made it worth it. No one has ever given me a reason to want to actually take the risk of feeling genuinely happy, but I guess I should have acted upon that sooner. Now, you’ve been severely injured and don’t even remember who I was, but I know you’ll learn that I’m a vile person. Maybe you’ll hate me all over again, despise me from day one and then what if you don’t choose to forgive me again? Life is short, and there’s no time to be friends with rude people, especially while you’re under all this pressure to put the pieces of your life back together. You shouldn’t make the time to sort through my issues on top of your own. I shouldn’t even bother with you, it would only hurt you more._

This was Jade’s second night staying up far too late on her phone. The further back she went into conversations, the nastier she was to Tori. Making fun of her clothes, the way she talks, mocking her questions during classes when she was brand new to the world of drama. It was no question that Jade despised when people just seemed to appear in her world and instantly get put on a pedestal; Jade had worked incredibly hard on her acting and writing since she was in elementary school, and she knew her lack of support from her parents is what made her envious. Tori had the perfect house, perfect grades, perfect energy; there wasn’t a single flaw. It’s just that over time, Jade couldn’t help but to learn to fall in love with all of those things. How could she envy the one person that made Jade actually feel important? She would never admit it, the way Tori makes her feel, but of course it’s true.

She couldn’t stop imagining what gravity Tori must be feeling. How alienating it must be to know you have to start at a ‘brand new’ school where everyone already knows more about you and what you’ve done than you know yourself. The fear of judgement and an overload of attention were already an issue that Jade had to handle on a daily basis, but at least she wakes up knowing exactly who she is every single day.

Tomorrow was Friday, and the cast list for _The Laramie Project_ would be posted on the bulletin board first thing in the morning. Jade was heartbroken that the audition alone had become such an important process for Tori, and now it’s like they might as well have not announced this as the Fall play at all. Though, maybe there could still be hope that Tori would figure things out again, but Jade knew it was extremely unlikely for that to be a repeated process identical to the first.

It took almost an hour for Jade to eventually drift to sleep in her bed. Although the sound of rain in her ears was just from her white noise sleep playlist, she would compare her current state of grief to standing in a downpour.

* * *

Even though she had been surrounded by family, Tori had never felt so alone. She had never missed her house, her room, her bed like she did right now. While so much of her recent life had become intangible, she’s had her house and room since she was seven, and wanted nothing more than to finally leave the hospital and have all of the tests be over.

_Do I tell people what happened? Do I reach out to old friends from like, middle school? Do I want to tell people this happened to me? Jesus, you’ll probably be on the local news. I don’t want to make anyone upset, but I cannot bear to be trapped in my house for weeks. If this is meant to prevent anxiety and dissociation, I am almost sure that if anything, it will invoke it._

Trina was gone. She left after lunch earlier today, promising to Facetime Tori every chance she could get. Holly was taking time off of work, and David switched to night shifts so that he could be around during the day to be with Tori, taking two long naps in the morning and another right before his shift began. Tori had spent a lot of time looking through pictures as well; she saw the same faces over and over again in her phone: Andre, Cat, Andre, Andre, Beck, Andre, Robbie, Jade, Andre, Jade covering her face from the camera, Cat.

It made sense that it was mostly Andre in the pictures. Tori must have had a hobby of sniping candid pictures of Andre throughout the school day, because there were at least 400 pictures of silly Andre faces. Jade on the other hand, hardly appeared at all. There were some screenshots, though, of her posts on Instagram. _I wouldn’t take these to talk shit about her, would I?_ Tori may not have remembered her experience at Hollywood Arts, but she knew it was more often than not that people took screenshots of their friends' posts to send to another friend and talk behind their back. How _could_ she have done that to Jade though? There’s absolutely nothing bad about that picture, _at all._

Going through her own Slap page was fairly concerning. How weird was her life before this happened? Apparently, it was definitely chaotic, and even that may be an understatement.

She had spent hours digging through her phone only to feel that ultimately, hardly progress had been made. The more she attempted to piece her past-self together like a puzzle, the more Tori realized there likely still wouldn’t be a clear picture even if all the pieces are placed correctly. Maybe she’d be left with a solid white, blank puzzle; all of the pieces fit, but there is no image to behold once it is done.

It wasn’t even the cliche, “high school is the best part of anyone’s childhood” and forgetting some of it that upset Tori, it was how she now isn’t sure of all of the lessons she had learned along the way. She would miss the valuable learning experiences that occur in teenage years, not forgetting the prom or having straight A’s. Those would all just become memories after time anyway, but all of the tough things she might have gone through, what she learned from them would have made her who she was _going_ to be before the accident. And that means nothing now.

* * *

“So, I'm sure you know why I called you down.”

Jade rolled her eyes so hard it almost hurt. “Yes, so I can tell you how horribly traumatized I am,”

Lane leaned forward in his seat. “Let’s start with how you felt after you visited Tori at the hospital.”

“Pissed. Worthless. Pathetic.”

“Why worthless?”

Jade threw her hands up in a shrug. “Well, I was _just_ beginning to not hate her, but now she’s going to learn about all of the terrible things I did to her.”

He nodded. “So you’re feeling regret for everything you two have been through? Maybe some things you’ve said, some of the quarrels that have happened-”

“Yes, okay? I feel like an absolute asshole-”

“Jade-”

“And I can’t even change any of that! She _has_ her phone that somehow miraculously didn’t break in the crash. She _will_ read through all of our old messages-”  
  
“What will she find in the messages?” He interrupted, finally stopping Jade from spilling and letting her think for a minute.

Her mind flashed through every old conversation she had dug up in the past few nights, wishing they weren’t constantly burning in her mind. “Uhh… well there’s one time where I like, told her that she had a tag stuck on her shirt for an entire school day but waited to tell her until she got home-”

“Why’d you do that?”  
  
Jade began smiling and shrugged her shoulders, shifting the grip of her coffee cup in her hands. “I don’t know. It’s fun to pick on her.”

“Fun?”

“Yeah, you know... It’s harmless, and she’s _really_ cute when she’s worked up.”

_Fuck. Did I just tell Lane she’s fucking cute?_

Lane raised an eyebrow at the girl he had always been suspicious of. Not to stereotype her overall appearance, but he wouldn’t be surprised... 

“Some people don’t appreciate that, you know. After time it can ruin friendships, even if you don’t truly mean to bring harm to them-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said we were _friends?_ ”

“You. Over and over again, Jade.”

“I’d never say that, especially to _you_?”

“You don’t need to. You’re _always_ with her and your friend group. You may not think of all of them as your closest friends ever-”  
  
Jade smirked and leaned back in her chair. “You can _say Robbie,_ you know.”

Lane glared back at the teenager before continuing. “But they mean something to you. _Clearly_ Tori means something to you. You cannot deny that. Call her a friend, or don’t call her a friend. You care about her.”

Of course she knew he was right, but she doesn’t need to tell him shit about her relationships. It’s none of his business, and he’s really not going to fix anything regarding Jade’s feelings on Tori’s accident. “Well, whatever. That’s not even the worst I’ve said, obviously. That’s _nice_ compared to other things.”

“Luckily, you can prove yourself differently this time.”

Lane was having trouble empathizing with the girl who was the biggest bully to Tori for almost two straight years at school, but he knew if she was telling him this much, she really did mean it. Seeing as a few seconds of silence goes by in a conversation with Jade that she doesn’t have a snarky remark, he should continue the conversation himself. 

“You and your other friends should probably be supporting each other a lot through this time. I’m sure you’re all experiencing similar grief, so I’d keep them close. You don’t need to isolate yourself-”

“I also don’t want to be constantly reminded of how shitty this situation is, so there’s that.”

“And you _should_ have some routine of self care, Jade. You should organize moments in your day where you’re distracted so you can take a break from this difficult situation. I can help you with that.”

She had heard the coping mechanisms spiel before: read a book, listen to music, go on a walk, call a friend, see a movie, eat your favorite meal, light candles, meditate, journal. It was almost worse to temporarily escape just to come right back to the issue. What’s the point of escaping in the first place if the problem never leaves?

“I mean, okay. Fine.”

Lane picked up his clipboard and pen. “Alright, what’s your go to when things get rough?”

“Watching _The Scissoring.”_

He rolled his eyes. “Not sure how that horrid movie would make you feel better but-”

“It does. It’s my coping mechanism not yours.”

“Okay, fair. What about something less… Gruesome?”

Jade thought for a minute, knowing she’s never actually tried any of the typical activities and taken it seriously. “Ummm… I don’t know. Sometimes I just get in my car and drive. Listen to music, maybe grab a coffee.”

“Okay, that sounds nice. What else?”

“Ugh, I just listed like three things shouldn’t that be enough?”

Lane sighed and looked up from his clipboard. “Just know that when you start to feel like nothing is working or making you feel better, you can come see me any time.”

“I’m _really_ not worried about that happening.”

Of course, she was worried about that happening. But nothing would fix this hole in her heart until Tori _at least_ knew at some point how Jade truly felt about her. There was only one way for that to happen, but it _can’t_ happen anymore.

“How are the others?”

Jade shrugged. “Andre’s really upset, she was his best friend for two years. Cat is having trouble wrapping her brain around the whole thing. Beck isn’t cracking, of course. Robbie is really worried and doesn’t want to accept it.”

Lane shook his head. “I can’t imagine how this must feel for all of you.”

“Well, you’re lucky. So what do I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to be home, reading the play, practicing my lines over and over again and pretending like none of this is happening.”

Lane smiled, remembering Jade during her incredible audition. “You’re going to be great as Rebecca, congratulations.”

“Thanks… Hey, how do you want me to help Tori through this? Like do you want me to just practice with her whenever she’s available, and kind of explain all of the choices I’m making?”

“Yeah, you know... We don’t expect you to be her actual tutor or anything. Sikowitz is going to meet with her during his lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays. But if you just meet two or three times a week to go through a scene, and once she’s comfortable she can try acting whatever scene you’re working on.”

Jade sighed, taking a moment to acknowledge just how much she wanted Tori to have the role. She was cast as the understudy but had another small role so she had a chance to actually perform with the group. 

“You know, she was really excited about this play. I think it meant a lot to her that we’re doing something like this for school. I’m really glad, too.”

Lane smiled at Jade, concluding in his head that his speculation about Jade is probably true. Of course, he wouldn’t ask her; she would say it herself when she was ready.

Everyone at school knew Lane was gay. If he wasn’t a person of authority, Jade thought she would treat him a little more kindly. She couldn’t help it; the memory of family therapy when Jade’s parents started fighting with each other before spilling up had tainted the entire experience for her. She wished it wasn’t that way.

“I think a lot of kids will learn a great amount from it. It’s the first time we’ve done anything like this, but I finally convinced them to. It will be great, and you’ll be fantastic.”

Jade nodded as the bell rang. Lane offered a hand out to the girl, who hesitantly shook her hand with his. “Take care of yourself, Jade.”

“We’ll see,” she muttered before turning around and leaving.

* * *

“Honey, you _need_ to put your phone down for a while. It’s not good for your eyes to be staring at that screen for so long.”

Holly was preparing a family pot pie while Tori rested on the couch.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just so weird and interesting. Like, how weird _was_ I?”

“Incredibly. You go to a weird school,” Holly said in a matter of fact tone. “But you loved it, and you will continue to love it.”

The girl sighed, finally agreeing to lock her phone and set it down. Even after she had stopped looking through texts, dozens of them flew through her mind as she tried to piece together scenes she had never seen.

“Did I really sing the national anthem and then get dragged around by a dog by the end of it?”

“Ugh, yes that really did happen,” Holy confirmed, beginning to laugh a bit.

Tori’s mouth fell open. “Well don’t laugh! That must have been so embarrassing!”

“Oh definitely,” Holly replied after licking a spoon. “It’s okay sweetie, plenty more embarrassing things have happened to you as well.”

Another groan. “God, okay I get it. You want me to take a rest from lost memories.”

Holly shrugged as she wiped her hands with a dish towel. “Let’s talk about the next steps.”

The loudest groan yet. “I don’t want to.”

“Your doctor has scheduled to have a therapist come here next week.”

“Mom please, _no._ Do I have to?”

“I know you’re not excited about it, and that’s okay, but it’s a necessary step in your recovery. If you don’t click with who you’ll meet, we can always try to find a different person for you to talk to.”

Tori knew this was all true, but she had never seen a therapist in her life. Last she knew, Tori was still fifteen and the word “therapy” would give most fifteen year olds the chills. “Okay, when does that start?”

“Wednesday.”

“Will you be there, in the room with me?”

Holly stopped for a second, looking to her daughter who could easily break the mother’s heart when frowning. “Of course, I’m sure they won’t mind.”

The brunette offered a small smile, and within seconds picked her phone back up after it buzzed. 

**_Hey Tori! How are you feeling? 💕_ **

“Already on your phone again?” Holly called from the kitchen.

“Cat texted me,” Tori responded.

_Hi Cat! I’m okay, it’s definitely nice to finally be out of the hospital._

**_Oh I’m so glad!! Now you can take a bath and soak your worries away!!_ **

Tori smiled, but was unsure of how to respond to a rather random suggestion. _How would I normally reply to this? Who even is Cat? I mean, I know she’s the redheaded one. But yikes. She’s just being nice, don’t overthink it._

“What did she say?”

“Just checking on me, seeing how I’m feeling.”

_How’s everyone at school?_

**_We’re okay. It’s just really quiet. We miss you a lot_ **😓

_I’m sure you won’t be saying that once I’m back and have no idea what I’m doing lol_

**_Silly Tori. Nothing’s going to keep me from squeezing you every day again. And I mean nothing!_ **

“What did I do to deserve such good friends?”

“Cat punched you in the face one,” Holly spit back without thinking.

“What?!” Tori was horrified to find her mother laughing yet again.

Holly waved her hand as she gathered herself. “No, no. I mean. She didn’t mean to. Well... I won’t get into that today.”

The brunette scowled, nervously thinking of what to say next.

_I do love hugs, I’m not opposed to that._

**_Of course you do! Let me know if you need anything, any of us would be over in a heartbeat! Love you Tori ❤️_ **

_What a strange feeling to be showered with warmth and love by someone you hardly even know. What a stranger feeling to realize that there are probably a great amount of reasons they have to love you, but you don’t know what any of them are. How can I accept this love if I don’t understand where it’s coming from and why? They don’t owe me anything just because this happened to me._

“Tori, is everything alright?” Holly noticed the girl had dozed off into a stare. She couldn’t help but worry it was anything other than Tori getting lost in thought.

“Yeah, um… I just feel so awful about not knowing my friends.” She curled up into a ball and leaned into the back of the couch. “But I know I like them a lot so far.”

Holly smiled warmly as she sat down next to Tori. “Cat was always really nice. Except for that one time.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Tori lightened up a bit. “But I’m sure I had fights with all of them.”

“Oh, definitely. Even Andre!”

_Just tell me everything. I can’t stand this feeling like I have to build up years of my life that came crumbling down. The pieces won’t fit back together the same way no matter what I do. But I need to try, I don’t want to miss out on my senior year and these friends I’ve had any more than I already have. I need to use every minute like it’s my last. Well, last minutes of high school. Unless I have to repeat a grade again. God that’s going to suck, I’m going to watch my friends, that I don’t remember, graduate and then get left behind because I got hit by a car? Fuck this._

“When’s dinner gonna be ready?”

“In about a half hour.”

Tori didn’t want to be selfish, but she was dreading being home for two weeks. She understood that she needed to be monitored, needed to rest and brace herself for the year coming up. She never did well when she was constrained to the walls of her house.

“When can my friends come over again?”

“Well, they can’t all at once.”

“Why?”

“Too stimulating. Your doctor yelled at me, you know, for letting five of your friends in at once.”

The brunette frowned. She couldn’t imagine letting each of them in singularly, like an interview or something. Tori wouldn’t describe the previous encounter with the group as awkward, but it was definitely strange to see a group of friends who were clearly close with each other interact, while she felt like such a small fraction in the whole.

“Well, can I see _one of them_? Maybe in a few days?”

“I guess. I’ll have to ask your doctor, though. I don’t see why not you couldn’t if everything goes well.”

Tori sighed in relief, a warmth already growing in her chest at the thought of seeing the one friend she couldn’t stop thinking about.

“Thank you, I know it must be so weird.”

“What do you mean?” Holly brushed her hand over the hair on Tori’s head.

“You, seeing me meet all my friends again. I know you have opinions on all of them and-”

“My opinions don’t matter. It’s your life. Each and every one of them has a special place in your life, and I don’t need to rethink that for a second, it’s true. And you’ll see it over time, too.”

Crying was painful. It made Tori’s head throb in an unbearable manner, but it relieved her heart in ways she couldn’t comprehend. She had always been physically affectionate with her mother, but Holly definitely wasn’t against these newfound frequent cuddling sessions, as much as it hurt to hear Tori this upset and confused.

* * *

“Mom, when did I break up with Danny?”

Holly’s eyes widened as she folded another of Tori’s sweatshirts. “Firstly, after this conversation, we don’t mention his name in this house anymore.”

Tori giggled as her mom remained scowling. She continued, “Um, I don’t know. March of your Freshman year, maybe?”

“Right. I knew we broke up, but the end of Freshman year isn’t super clear.”

“You don’t miss him, do you?” Holly narrowed her eyes on her daughter.

Tori scoffed. “No.”

“Good. Have you talked to him?”

The brunette’s lips pressed together as she hid a smile. “Maybe…”

Holly groaned, remembering what had happened between her, Danny, and Cat a few years ago. “Tori!”

“What! He’s the last person I like, fully remember other than family! I don’t like him, I promise. I wouldn’t even know how that would work, let alone be a good idea.”

“I don’t mean to be controlling, you know that’s the last thing I want to be, but _please_ stay away from him. That’s way too complicated.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I just… thought it might feel comforting in a way.”

Holly sighed, reminding herself to be understanding that Tori will naturally want to reconnect with all of her past. “No, I get it. Sorry, I get protective.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Tori huffed while laying back down in her bed. “I can help, you know.”

“No, I don’t want you lifting anything.”

“You don’t want me lifting pairs of jeans?”

Another pair of narrowed eyes from her mom. “Just take it easy.”

Tori’s eyes were on the ceiling again. Danny didn’t say much about what happened. There’s not much to say though. _Wow, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. I’m here if you ever need to talk. How are things going now? What are you going to do about school? Will you stay at Hollywood Arts? How are your friends? You’re strong, Tori. You got this. Reach out any time._ What else was an ex boyfriend supposed to say?

“Okay. Have you talked to any of my teachers yet? Do they know anything?”

“It’s Saturday, sweetie. I think they’re having a meeting next Monday to come up with a plan for you. As soon as I know anything you’ll know shortly after.”

Tori sighed. Two weeks in purgatory.

“Oh,” Holly began again, a tone that raised excitement in Tori who sat up in bed.

“What?”

Her mom brushed her hair out of her face. “Well, the night of the accident, you auditioned for a play at school-”

“Jesus, _that night?”_

“Yeah, well you and your friend Jade auditioned for the same role. She got that role, and the guidance counselor Lane is a director for that show. He talked to Jade and she agreed to having you shadow her. You’ll be her understudy.”

Jade, the one Tori couldn’t get off her mind. Mysterious, funny, ‘ _you’re incredible’_ Jade. “Oh! Um, she hasn’t texted me at all…”

Holly recognized the look that fell over Tori’s face, and the slight pout of her lip. “I’m sure she’s just busy and wants to give you space.”

“Yeah. Well that’s exciting… wait, what’s an understudy?”

Her mom cleared her throat. “Uh, well, if Jade gets sick or something comes up and she’s unable to make it, you would play her role instead of her. You’re like her backup, you’d both learn and practice the same lines and everything-”  
  
“Whoa, I’m not going to be ready for that though?”

A smirk formed across her mom’s face as she looked back up at Tori. “Jade doesn’t miss a performance for _anything._ Don’t worry.”

* * *

Jade and Andre weren’t usually the two to spend time together outside of the friend group, but Andre felt like that should change. After Tori had told him about her feelings for Jade, he couldn’t help but feel he should get to know Jade a little better, especially considering his speculations on how she felt in return. He also worried for Jade; they had never had any trouble getting along. After that awkward time of falling for her for a few days he realized that once she feels completely comfortable with someone, she’s just as goofy and friendly as the rest of their friends. What people often misunderstood about Jade is that if she is uncomfortable, it’s probably with herself. It just comes across very differently to a lot of people. This was something she had taken a lot of time to reflect on after she and Beck broke up, and Andre saw her growth as much as Tori did.

She ordered coffee and a croissant, causing Andre to give her a look of concern. “That’s your lunch?”

“Yup, with all of the basic food groups: carbs and coffee,” she beamed as she sat down in her chair. 

“I would have such a bad stomach ache if that’s all I ate with coffee,” Andre shuddered at the thought.

Jade shrugged. “Goes down like water at this point.”

Her friend shook his head and rolled up his sleeves. “So, how are you doing?”

“Fine.”

Andre chewed slowly, thinking _of course she’s going to pretend to be unbothered._ “Did you get your script yet?”

“Yeah, I practically sleep with it in my embrace,” Jade muttered before ripping off a corner of the croissant. “Have you seen her yet?”

“No,” Andre replied, raising an eyebrow at Jade. “Have you?”

“No. I haven’t even talked to her since the hospital.”

“Why not?”  
  
 _Because I can’t fucking handle this._ “I don’t know. She’ll reach out if she wants to. I don’t want to bother her.”  
  
Andre scoffed. “She wants to hear from you, trust me.”

Jade’s upper body stiffened. “She doesn’t even know what she wants.”

“I’m sure she wants the closest thing to normalcy as she can get.”

“But she doesn’t remember-”

“But _we_ do. _We remember._ We all still know Tori and everything about her. If we don’t make a big deal out of it and just bring her into the group seamlessly, I think she’ll be normal and fit right back in with us comfortably in no time.”

Jade huffed, still holding the piece of the croissant she ripped off with no intention of eating it. “Quite the optimist you are.”

Andre shook his head after taking another bite of his sandwich. “What other choice do I have?”

She acted almost offended at his comment. “Take it for what it is, because it’s _shit._ Complete and utter shit. Things like this don’t have a happy ending Andre, she’s going to be so scared and depressed and-”

“Okay, so text her,” Andre interjected firmly.

Jade was stunned, her hands now clasped on top of the table in front of her. “Fine.”

He smiled and continued to eat while watching Jade pull her phone out of her pocket. She froze at the notification that appeared on her screen.

**_hi Jade! my mom told me that you got the role in the play that I’ll be the under study of. I probably can’t this week, but do you want to come over maybe next week to talk about it?_ **

Even after everything, Tori was still the first to approach Jade with an interest in spending time with her. 

“God, I want to fucking _puke .”_

Andre scowled. “What?”

“Um, she asked me to… go over,” Jade choked up at the end of her sentence, poorly hiding the emotion behind a shaking hand over her forehead.

“Jade, it’s okay. I know it’s hard-” Andre began, but Jade was already crying.

“You don’t know how sick I am of crying, Andre.”

He just _knew_ that Jade had feelings for Tori. There is no other reasonable explanation for everything she has said and displayed since the accident. The ‘you’re incredible’, the constant nausea, panic, her obvious sleep deprivation. He understood that she was also regretting several situations with Tori in the past, but it cannot be possible that she would be _this_ upset over treating Tori in similar ways she had treated almost everyone else.

“I know, I know it’s hard,” he replied softly, questioning whether he should comfort her. She doesn’t let anyone touch her, and he had an inclination that she would be especially sensitive to that in this moment.

She collected herself again, remembering they’re in public and she cannot stand letting other people see her cry. “Fuck.”

“So, what are you going to say?”

She shook her head and looked down to her phone again. “Yes, obviously. I’ve wanted to be there every day since the accident Andre, I can’t stop thinking about-”

 _Her. You can’t stop thinking about her because you’re into her,_ he thought. There was a sustained eye contact, and Jade’s words were cutoff at the suspiciously confident look in Andre’s eyes and his smirk. 

“ ...I miss her.”

He laughed. “How’d that feel to say out loud?”

“Shut UP, Andre!”

“Nah, I love this so much.”

She scowled and hissed through her teeth, “What?”

“You’re all soft… it’s refreshing!”

“I will throw your sandwich at the nearest toddler if you don’t shut your mouth.”

“Alright, chill out now. Send your text,” Andre brought Jade back down, followed by a huff and a shake of his head.

_Of course, just let me know what day works. I have rehearsal MWF after school, but that’s about it._

“I’m proud of you,” Andre spoke softly after Jade set her phone down on the table.

Jade threw her head back. “Literally for what?”

“You have grown a lot. Tori was really glad to have talked to you about, you know... before the auditions.”

 _Why the fuck would you bring that up right now, can you not see me having a breakdown?_ “Well, It’s always good to know you’re not alone.”

Andre’s smile fell slowly from his face. “Yeah. Um, we’re not going to.... Tell her, right?”

Jade violently shook her head, ripping off a new piece of her croissant. “No, no. No. No way.”

He nodded slowly in agreement. “Okay, good… Fuck this, man.”

Jade’s phone buzzed again as her fingers immediately stumbled to unlock it and open the reply.

**_great! I can’t wait, thanks so much._ **

She raised an eyebrow and sighed heavily while shoving her phone back into her pocket. “You’re telling me.”

* * *

The weekend dragged by as Tori waited for any word from her school about what she would do once going back. It wasn’t until Monday in the late afternoon that Lane came over to talk. There was a rather catchy rhythm to the knock that prompted Tori’s mom to meet him at the door.

Within seconds the man in the doorway was already crying. He hardly took three steps into the house, keeping his distance until he regained composure. Tori remained helpless, hurting at the uncertainty of how to make him feel better.

“I am so happy to see you, Tori.”

She smiled in relief of his soothing voice. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you, again.”

His expression changed. It was clear that he was restraining himself from appearing confused as if it wasn’t the cause of this unique situation. “Well, thank you. I think you’ll get to know me again pretty quickly.”

“Come in, come in!” Tori’s mom waved her hand. “I’ll make you some tea.”

“Oh, thank you, Mrs. Vega.”

Tori sat awkwardly on the couch opposite from where Lane sat down. He was stiff, visibly nervous which made Tori feel guilty. “How are you feeling?”

She scoffed, shaking her head. “I don’t really know how to answer that.”

“Any pain?”

“A constant, dull headache that I’m getting quite used to. Kind of like being exhausted all the time, which I am.”

He nodded, clasping his hands together and fidgeting. “Well, you’ve proven once again to be stronger than a lion.”

Tori tilted her head and smirked at the unique comment, curious as to what she had done at school to be compared to a lion of all things. “I guess so.”

Lane sighed heavily and pulled out a notebook from his bag. “So, I’m going to tell you what the staff has come up with, and I know this will be a lot of information so if at any point you’re confused just interrupt me.”

The girl nodded, suddenly feeling tears well up in her eyes again. _These people made a specialized plan just for you, they took the time out of their day to do this for you._

He handed her a piece of paper that showed the names and brief descriptions of all of the courses she had taken Sophomore and Junior year. She skimmed them over and felt an aching in her chest upon seeing all of the incredible things she had missed out on.

“So, after you look over that sheet, here is what we’ve come up with for you,” he said softly, reaching a second paper to her. She took it while wiping a tear from her eye, Lane noticed.

His heart broke in half as Holly came back to the living room and placed a mug of tea on the coffee table. She sat down next to her daughter and wrapped her arm around her tightly and pulled her close. “It’s okay, you’ve completed all of these. You have earned your credit. You’re going to learn basically all of this again one way or another, it will just be different.”

“She’s right,” Lane explained. “As we’re an arts school, we’re not concerned with your core classes like English, Social Studies, and Math this year-”

Tori chuckled in relief. “Fine by me.”

Lane smiled. “This year, you were scheduled to take Songwriting III, Improv III, French, Advanced Tech Theatre, Intro to Music Production, and Functional Keyboard, which is just a piano lesson type class. Classes in Social Studies, Math, and Science would have been added to your regular schedule. We encourage you to pick a course from one of these subjects so you have some activity outside of the arts-”

Just as Lane was done explaining, Tori blurted, “ _Not,_ math. No thanks.”

Holly laughed and released her hold of Tori. “You always liked Social Studies, right?”

Tori grimaced. “Eh, I mean I was good at it last I remember, but I think I’m gonna go with English.”

“Okay, great! I’ll see what I can do with that. Now, let me walk you through these first two classes, Songwriting III and Improv III. Songwriting III is a class that the teachers are willing to bring you in to right away. You have projects already completed in the last two years here that they would be more than happy to sit down and show you, and walk you through what that assignment asked for, and what you achieved in your writing-”

“I literally think I’m having a nightmare. Can we just stop for a minute? Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt-”

“You’re okay, take a breather, no worries,” Lane spoke softly. Tori stood from the couch after exchanging a look with her mom. She walked up near the piano and looked out the window, trying to process the fact that she had written several songs over two years for assignments. Real songs that other people remembered and would teach back to her. _Who the fuck am I?_

Tori remained near the window, but called back over to Lane after several deep breaths. “Okay, keep going.”

He looked up at Holly, who shrugged in confusion. “Okay, sure. So, does that sound okay?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, totally. I definitely deserve to be in an advanced songwriting class with a bunch of really cool kids who actually remember their time at Hollywood Arts and remember everything they’ve ever learned,” Tori scuffed her feet on the carpet, kicking them away from her. She knew her attitude was inappropriate, but her self confidence wasn’t about to let her believe that she’s talented enough to just start at these high expectations after what had happened.

Lane set his notes aside and sighed. “I see where you’re coming from. Do you want to start at a lower level for these two classes?”

“No, because I don’t want to graduate when I’m twenty.”

“Okay, we don’t want that either. We want you to learn everything again, and we don’t want to overwhelm you and cram three years into one. Our biggest goal is to keep your original senior year schedule as close as possible to what we had before. These advanced classes will allow you to catch up to everyone else within a few weeks, especially because the teachers would always be there if you need them for extra help.”

Tori took a few minutes to accept the suggestions the staff thought would best suit her. “Okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get frustrated and cranky,” she said while returning back to the living room.

“It’s completely understandable, don’t worry. The only other class that had a prerequisite is Advanced Tech Theatre and-”

“A pre… _what?”_

Lane remembered that Tori’s vocabulary would be limited. “Oh, right. So this Advanced Tech Theatre class we have in mind for you, there was a first-level class of it, just regular “Tech Theatre.” You actually completed the original class in just a week last year. You had another class you wanted to take, that you couldn’t take until passing Tech Theatre. I just let you take the exam for it, and somehow in a week, you managed to learn everything and get a 100 on that exam. _In a week,_ Tori.”

Holly’s arm wrapped tightly around the girl again, who started to feel a little better knowing she was apparently a student that could cram her way through anything. “That’s crazy.”

“It is! No one’s ever gotten that high of a score on that exam.”

“Oh, stop,” Tori scoffed. “Seriously?”

“No one,” Lane repeated. “So that’s that, and the rest of your classes are just standalone, and there wouldn’t be anything for you to necessarily catch up on. The last thing I will mention is a few of those vocal classes you’ve taken in the past. Our vocal teachers are willing to schedule lessons with you outside of school if you were interested in learning different vocal techniques of different musical genres. Just reach out to them any time.”

Holly squeezed Tori again, both arms wrapped around her this time. “See? It’s all going to work out. But what we don’t want is for you to feel overwhelmed or see that you’re working too hard. And you do have a bad habit of working too hard, you know.”

Tori laughed. “I know. I’ll try not to.”

“And please, don’t be afraid to ask for help ever. We are all rooting for you. We can’t wait to have you back at school.”

The brunette nodded, thinking of any other questions she might have. Of course, she’s had dozens pop up in her mind the last few days, but with all of this new information swarming her mind, it was hopeless to try and remember.

“I’ll leave this schedule with you, and do you have any questions or anything else you want to talk about?”

“Uh, I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

Lane stood up with his bag around his shoulder. “Reach out any time, kiddo.” He stretched his hand out and teared up at the contact of Tori’s hands with his, almost making Tori tear up too. 

“Thank you so much, Lane. I’ll be in touch.”  
  
“Of course, take care, Tori.” Silence filled the room again after the door was shut. Holly let Tori have a few minutes to herself to think; she would talk again when she was ready. Tori didn’t want to talk, she wanted to cry. She wanted to go back to school immediately and just get _started._ She knew it wouldn’t be good for her to put too much pressure on herself, but how can she _not_ when she was finally placed in a school that would set her up for her dream career, just to forget the school entirely?

“I need a nap,” was all she said before exiting the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Who's ready for Tori and Jade's reunion after Tori's recovery? 🙋


	6. finally,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tori and Jade finally have some time alone together. And they're still gay and oblivious.
> 
> TW: blood, implication of violence, death (involved in the play, not to a character!)

Tuesday, December 5th 2:43 PM, 2011

**_Dude, I’m not into Beck! I’m not trying to steal him, and I’m definitely not trying to make you hate me even more._ **

_You had absolutely no problem kissing him on like the third day of school, sooo._

**_It’s called revenge, I’m sure you’re quite familiar with it._ **

_You can try all you want to change how I feel but it’s not going to work._

**_Fine. The only one you're hurting is yourself, I hope you realize that sooner rather than later._ **

_So that’s why she hated me. Huh. What the hell does that last line even mean? If I was kissing Jade’s boyfriend for revenge, what did she do to me? Do I want to know? That whole ‘kissing someone else’s partner’ doesn’t sound like me at all. Apparently I did become a different person at this school._

Tori locked her phone and opened it again, bringing the text thread back to present time. Jade had never responded to her previous text that invited her over.

Today 9:13 AM

 **_what did you do to me that made me kiss your boyfriend?_ ** ****

Jade was sitting in her Screenwriting class when her phone buzzed. She couldn’t help but to smile at the thought of Tori reading through old messages as much as she was. And apparently she had already gone back to the very beginning, almost.

_I had quite a few problems back then. You didn’t do much._

**_I still want to know. please? I won’t be mad._ **

The blue eyed girl sighed, eyeing her teacher that was oblivious of her texting. 

_It was your first day of school. You bumped into him with your coffee and spilled it on him. You were rubbing his jacket off. I was jealous._

**_well if it makes you feel better, no offense, but he’s not my type_ **

**_he seems really nice though_ **

_He and I broke up almost a year ago._

Jade stared at the phone, but the typing bubbles from the other didn’t come up on her screen. So, she anxiously began typing again.

_And that’s not all I did. I singled you out during your first improv class, made you play a dog so I could humiliate you, and I spilled my own coffee all over your head and clothes._

Tori thought she would find answers by the end of this conversation, but it turns out the amount of questions she had doubled in the last few minutes. How did they get from this first encounter to hand holding and such nice words?

**_okay, so you had some problems._ **

_Yeah. You kissed him as part of an acting scene, kind of. It seemed pretty intentional, like you wanted to. But whatever, that was so long ago and I should have known better. You helped us stay together so many times when we were still dating._

**_oh okay. geez, i’m sorry for asking_ **

_No, don’t be. It was bound to come up at some point._

**_yeah, i guess._ **

_I’m sorry for everything else, too. You must’ve seen a lot if you made it that far back in your phone._

_How does she know I’ve been going through my phone? Maybe she’s doing it too,_ Tori wondered.

**_it’s all becoming a blur anyway, honestly_ **

_I hope you can eventually trust that I’m really not like that anymore. I know I can’t make you trust me, but I promise stuff like that won’t happen anymore._

**_it’s okay. I can already see how nice you are. I think I can handle forgiving you for something I don’t even remember :)_ **

_Wish I could forget it, too,_ Jade thought. She typed out the message, but then deleted it after realizing its potentially offensive nature.

_Thanks. I’m sorry you had to read all of that._

**_most of it’s kind of funny, tbh._ **

_What? Really?_

**_yeah, like it just seems like we were fake hating each other_ **

_Oh no, I hated you._

**_oh uhh okay lol_ **

**_why?_ **

_I hated everyone. Still hate most people._

**_haha okay…_ **

**_well, when did you stop hating me?_ **

Jade would type out an answer, something like ‘when I got over my trust issues’ or, ‘when you helped me through this shitty situation’ or ‘we bonded over dissing those annoying boys at Nozu’. She would type anything but the truth: _The day I realized I love you._

* * *

Therapy didn’t even really feel like therapy to Tori, which was a good thing she thought. The woman asked a lot of questions about Tori’s school before the accident, and what the plan was going forward. College was brought up, and pretty quickly deflected by Tori’s mom. Of course that introduced another stressor for Tori, but it was probably fair game to at least mention it. She could always take a few classes online, after miraculously getting into a school once she miraculously graduated high school. Maybe.

Tori was asked to describe her symptoms since leaving the hospital. There was this recurring feeling, like she was outside of her body and watching everything happen to her, but could hardly feel it _herself._ That’s when Dana, her therapist, discussed grounding techniques for dissociation that work for anxiety, too. Tori had heard some doctors mention dissociation at the hospital, but never truly understood what that meant until this appointment. She was asked about when she dissociates, for how long, what helps to get her out of it, if she knows what triggered the feeling in the first place, all questions she couldn’t answer confidently.

There was a point during the session where Tori swore it was all a dream. _This isn’t happening, I’ll wake up. Why do my hands feel so heavy? Why is my head spinning all of a sudden? Is she talking to me? Did I miss what she said?_ Dana often had to repeat a question twice during the session, but of course she was patient and understanding about it. Holly didn’t speak while Dana was speaking with Tori, other than when college came up. She simply sat in the kitchen and pretended to be distracted, but of course she wasn’t.

“Any relationships?”

Holly’s mom called from the kitchen. “No, not anymore.”

Tori threw her head back in frustration at her not-so-distracted mother. “No, my ex boyfriend and I broke up a long time ago. I remember things that happened months after we broke up.”

Dana nodded and wrote in her notebook briefly. “Okay, and no other romantic connections or anything that has recently occurred, that you know of?”

“No, not that I’ve learned about-”

“I sure hope not, because if so I wasn’t aware-”

 _“ Mooom!_ Please stop,” Tori groaned again, but laughing a bit this time as she knew her mom was likely picking on her a bit for some relief.

Dana grinned, too. “Okay, I only ask because that could be another thing we could talk about. Forgotten romantic relationships can be incredibly difficult to navigate post accident.”

Tori began to roll her eyes, but refrained herself from doing so as she didn’t want to offend Dana. “What _isn’t_ incredibly difficult?”

The blonde woman froze, wide eyes flickering over a deflated Tori slumping on the couch. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to phrase it like that. I just meant that’s a little bit different from friendships, perhaps-”

“No, I’m sorry,” Tori began, sitting back up and fixing her hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t need to say that.”

“You’re okay. Okay sooo…” she paused to read over her page. “You’re set to go back to school on September 25th? Isn’t that a Friday?”

Tori heard chair legs scruff across the floor as Holly stood up and walked into the room. “Yeah, we thought maybe she could go back for one day, have the weekend to digest everything and prepare for full time school again.”

Dana nodded. “Okay, sure. Stick to your routine we talked about, it will help keep you relaxed during this large transition. Know your support systems like we talked about, too.”

Tori appreciated the younger age of her assigned therapist. It was much easier to talk to her, and it helped that she had a calm tone and didn’t allow for long moments of silence in the first meeting. The excessive writing always made Tori nervous from what she had seen in shows and movies. The ‘spill your life story just to have someone write more than they’re going to converse with you’ stereotype of therapy sessions had scared her until this experience. It was hard to take all of this information and advice from a stranger, but Tori had always been one to willingly share vulnerable parts of herself with others fairly easily. She had to trust that now more than ever, as she didn’t have any other choice.

“It was wonderful to meet you, Tori. I will see you next Wednesday, two days before the big day!”

Tori faked an excited smile before thanking Dana for coming in. Holly walked the younger woman to the door and shook her hand before she was gone.

“God, that was a lot,” Tori exhaled, falling to the couch again.

Holly took a deep breath as she moved across the room to meet Tori on the couch. “You did just fine. Are you tired? You seemed very distracted, like you could hardly listen to her sometimes-”

“No, that’s _really_ me zoning out. Like, I just forget I’m actually awake and people are talking to me. I don’t really know how to describe it.”

Holly scowled as she sat beside Tori, quickly resting a hand on her daughter’s arm. “I’m sorry. Maybe you should take a nap, you could use the mental break. Sleep might be the only way to achieve a true mental break.”

Tori leaned into her mom, a motion asking for Holly’s arms to be wrapped around her tightly. “You’re right. Do you want me to wake dad up?”

“Ooh! Yeah, he needs to eat before he goes to work,” Holly groaned at the end of her sentence as she squeezed her daughter tightly.

“Okay, wake me up whenever,” Tori said softly before she dragged her feet to her room. 

Holly sat at the kitchen table in her chair again in the place David would find her moments later, crying into the hands covering her face. His feet moved quickly until he reached her, gently pulled her hands up and pulled her in for a hug. “What’s going on, what’s wrong?”

Holly sniffed and rubbed her eyes once he pulled apart from her. “She’s struggling so much, I can just see how tired and out of it she is, how hard this is… I can’t even imagine what it feels like-”

“She’s strong, you know that. She’s going to be okay. She’ll adjust to school in no time, maybe not in the same way she did two years ago, but with how busy that place is with constant shows and concerts, she will be busy and she will love it.”

David was as emotional as Holly was when he was on duty. He spent a lot of time distracted from his work in his car. Several late nights were spent staring at streetlights, listening to the CDs Tori would sing with him in the car when she was little, all of the songs she’d make up her own dances to with Trina. He could not thank the universe enough for at least letting Tori keep her childhood, he was sure his heart would be permanently broken if it were any different.

“I hope so. I’m just so scared for her, Dave. I don’t want to let her go back-”  
  
“We _have_ to. She will be okay. Her friends are going to have her back, no doubt about it. They’d do anything for her.”

Holly scoffed. “I just hope they’re not suffocating like they were before.”

“Well, hopefully they have matured a bit in that aspect. But honey, once they’re around a bit more, we need to let her have her space again with them. It’s going to be really important that _we_ don’t suffocate her.”

The truth hurt to hear, but Holly knew it was true. “I know. I know.”

“We’re going to get through this. I promise,” he concluded before gently kissing his wife.

* * *

Today 11:21 AM

**_so I FINALLY convinced my mom, do you want to come over tomorrow after school?_ **

_Sure, no problem._

**_I’m so excited to see you again :)_ **

Jade bit her thumbnail and couldn’t hide a smirk from her face. Andre glanced down to Jade’s phone to see that she was texting Tori. He smiled and kept his attention on Sikowitz, while the fair skinned girl noticeably started fidgeting.

_I’m excited, too. How are you doing?_

Tori was unsure how to answer that. Did she begin with the constant dissociation or the practically sleepless nights?

**_hanging in there. It’ll help to see someone new in person._ **

_Can I bring you anything?_

**_just yourself! I’m sure my mom will make you something to eat if you need_ **

_Holly was always nice like that. Cabin fever yet?_

**_omg, yes. I’m scared to go back to school but I’m honestly getting tired of being home. they don’t even want me in the car or anything yet_ **

_Well, I kind of understand that._

**_me too, I just don’t want my first time being in a car again to be the morning of my first day back to school. I want a little practice first, you know? to know that I can handle it and get a good start to my first day back._ **

_I’m sure she’d let you do that. I think that’s a good idea._

**_yeah, I’ll have to ask. aren't you in class right now?_ **

_Yeah, it’s just Sikowitz._

**_oh, that one teacher. he doesn’t care that you text during his class?_ **

_He probably knows I’m texting you, therefore no, he hasn’t said anything._

**_interesting. is he nice?_ **

_Uh, sure, yeah. He’s nice. Sometimes he’s a bit much, but he’s my favorite teacher._

**_lol I guess I’ll have to see for myself_ **

_And oh, what a sight you’ll see._

**_well i’ll let you get back to school, talk to you later!_ **

_No, no it’s really okay! I’m here if you need to talk, or just want a distraction._

**_oh! I mean, idk what to talk about haha_ **

A wave of warmth washed over Tori that she didn’t understand. It was thrilling to know how much Jade wanted Tori to trust her and befriend her again. The friends she had before who Tori had fights with found it extremely easy to drop her. She had never known someone to supposedly fight with her before, but still wanted to come back and make things work at the end of the day.

_Have you read the script at all?_

**_I have, but it kind of hurts my eyes and head to read for too long. Such a heavy play, who else is in it?_ **

_Beck is in it_

**_oh yikes, is that awkward at all or are you guys good?_ **

Tori regretted asking that question as soon as she hit ‘send’. She didn’t want to be nosy, but she was rather paranoid about the whole history with Beck and kissing him and making Jade jealous while they were still dating. Tori recalled them seeming fine and friendly with each other at the hospital, though.

_Nah, it’s not awkward. He and I had plenty of time apart after we broke up where it’s all good now and the weird feelings have passed._

**_oh good. I just, don’t want to like be in the middle of something somehow. idk_ **

_Nah, it’s not like that. Both of us are good, and you’re good. It’s all good, don’t worry._

**_okay, good. So just us three out of the friend group?_ **

_Yeah, Beck is an incredible actor, too. You’ll learn a lot from him quickly._

**_oh, cool!_ **

_Do you like it so far?_

**_I mean yeah, it’s a lot to take in at once. I keep reminding myself that I’m 17 and people like, talk about this more often than when I last remembered my life._ **

_Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Well, you know, are you okay with the topic?_

**_of course! I just like…_ **

**_I know I’m missing a ton of stuff that I’m sure I learned about LGBT stuff, you know?_ **

_You have no idea,_ Jade thought.

_I could see how that would complicate things._

**_yeah, I know that my parents have been supportive all of my life_ **

**_my mom’s sister is gay, she lives in Colorado and is super like artsy and stuff. she makes me earrings and has her own little business for crafts and such_ **

Jade’s heart was beating hard out of her chest so hard she couldn’t keep still. Just when she shifted in her chair, Sikowitz finally called her out.

“Okay, Jade. Would you like to share with the class what you’re texting about?”

 _“ No ,_ I’m talking to Tori.”

“Well obviously, that’s why I’m asking! How is she doing?”

“She’s okay-”  
  
“Good, I know you miss her and care for her a lot, but can it please wait until after class?” It pained him to ask her to do this, but she had spent the last ten minutes ignoring the environment around her. He couldn’t appear to favor Jade over the rest of the students in the class attentive and listening during his lecture.

She grabbed her bag off the floor and finally made eye contact with the teacher. “Honestly, no.”

She was out of the room in seconds, and nobody spoke a word once she was gone. Andre’s continuing suspicions grew stronger, but he backtracked once remembering how paranoid Jade has been about Tori hating her upon learning all the shitty things she has put the brunette through.

Jade was going to sit in the Blackbox instead, but she turned around in the hallway and glanced toward Tori’s locker. A supercut of interactions by Tori’s locker flooded her mind as she fought the urge to cry. Her feet hesitantly led her to the locker, deciding this was where she would sit on the floor for the rest of the period and continue to text Tori.

* * *

Jade skipped her lunch time coffee today, knowing she’d be wired enough by spending the afternoon with her friend. This was the first time Jade could be alone with her again, and it was incredibly difficult for her to accept that she couldn’t bring up any conversations that occurred right before the accident. Beck had wished Jade luck in the hallway after school, sincerely hoping that she could have a good afternoon with Tori. He didn’t doubt that she would be nothing but kind to the brunette, but feared Jade would run away from her once learning just how incredibly difficult it would be with her again.

That Lorde song came on again in Jade’s car, the one from the same playlist she had on shuffle a few weekends ago on the camping weekend. A minute into the song, Jade slammed the button on her steering wheel to skip the song. She instantly regretted the action that inflicted a throbbing pain on her index finger.

She froze at the wheel once parking outside of the house, staring at the sidewalk she would soon be walking down. _Breathe. It’ll be fine once you go in._ Jade locked her car and practiced the way she would say hello to Tori in her mind. The girl inside heard the distant car horn and felt her heart race as she fixed her hair. A knock on the door sounded, and Holly saw Tori practically trip over her own feet on her way to the door. 

Bright green eyes gazed into Tori’s behind her glasses, recognizing the deep brown shade that dim hospital lights didn’t do justice. _Eyes, skin, lips, eyes, the perfect lipstick color for this entire outfit, wow she’s dark, eyes._

“Hey! Come in,” Tori quickly interrupted her mind from spinning and her eyes from wandering.

 _Same, beautiful Tori who looks so much better than a week and a half ago._ Jade felt her body relax at the consciousness of existing with Tori; it wasn’t a dream, and she was still alive, and Jade was still a part of her life. _I just want to hug her for an hour straight._

“You look... ” _was I about to say great? Jesus fuck, Jade. Get it together._ “... like you feel a lot better since I last saw you.”

Tori smiled warmly as she slowly sat on one couch. “I am. Still weird, but better.”

Jade sat on the opposite couch, as usual. “So, where’s your mom?”

“I’m right here!” Holly called walking in from upstairs. She was dressed as if she was going for a run, but Jade knew there was no way in hell she’d actually leave them truly alone. “I’m just going to do some yoga outside, okay?”

 _Yes, please. I’d like some time alone with Jade._ “Sure mom, no worries,” Tori offered simply with a shrug.

“Okay, Jade you’re in charge!”

 _“ Oh,”_ her voice boomed before she scoffed. “That’s something I thought I’d never hear from _you._ ”

“Don’t get used to it,” Holly muttered before closing the back door.

Tori turned back to her friend and raised an eyebrow. “Um, is that… you know, normal? The sass between you two?”

“I used to be mean, remember?” Jade smirked, looking down to her fidgeting hands again.

The brunette studied Jade in a way that seemed familiar, with undeniable curiousness, yet slight hesitation. “Okay, you need to own up to some more stories or something. I still can’t believe you’re the mean person you keep saying you w-“

“Oh come on, haven't you read through like all of our texts by now?”

Tori blushed. “Well yeah, I know you _were_ mean but what about all the recent stuff?”

Jade stared blankly back at Tori. For a moment, she was lost in the deep brown eyes that were still recognizable, but more timid than they used to be. The brunette was scared to hold eye contact with Jade for too long, she noticed. “What about it?”

She stammered, “Well I-- um, it’s just, you seem like, I don’t know, like we were friends again like, all of the _really_ mean stuff-“

“You mean when I would _brutally_ make fun of your outfits or threaten to torture you if you didn’t give me what I wanted?”

Tori laughed, holding her hands up in surrender. “Yes, that. That was a while ago, wasn't it?”

“Well, yeah-“

“Do you _WANT_ me to continue to believe you’re a mean person?”

Jade’s eyes widened in panic. “No, I don’t!”

“Then _relax._ I’ve already got you figured out.”

 _What the fuck does that mean?_ “What?”

Tori already looked more at ease than she had just a few minutes ago. Almost as confident as her old self. “Oh come _on,_ if we were _really_ enemies why would I still be nice to you after all that time even though you said some nasty stuff?”

“Because you’re _Tori,_ I- I don’t _know!_ I still haven’t figured that one out yet myself,” Jade sighed, exasperated. “I never understood, actually.”

“Sounds like you were in denial and didn’t want to admit we were friends.” Tori noticed Jade’s mood shift, like something heavy was on her shoulders that she couldn’t shake off. Suddenly guilty, the brunette continued with a bright smile.

“That’s probably true,” Jade murmured, knowing damn well that’s exactly what happened.

“All I know is clearly I had some reason to keep being nice to you, so I’m just going to keep doing that! It makes most sense, right?”

 _What would make sense is if you just forgot about me._ “I guess. I mean, I still, um. I do want to be your-“ Jade’s head suddenly snapped to the side like the last word she mumbled under her breath was a knife to the throat.

Tori scoffed. “What was that?”

“I want to, you know… be your…”

“Friend?”

“Well-“

“Buddy?”

“Tori, don’t-“ Jade already couldn’t help but laugh.

“Business partner?”

“Yes. Business partner. That’s a good way to put it.”

“I want to be your friend too, Jade,” Tori’s voice spoke softly but sincerely. 

_I have never wanted to be hugged by this bitch more than I do right now ever in my life._ “Okay, good.”

Tori smiled and stood from the couch.”Okay, can I get you anything to drink or?”

“No, no, please sit and relax, I’ll get something.”

Brown eyes followed Jade’s figure until she was no longer in Tori’s field of view. _She’s gorgeous. Like, stupid gorgeous._ Tori couldn’t help herself from turning around and continuing to watch.

Jade’s skirt was just long enough to keep everything covered, but the brunette snuck a glance at the other’s ass as Jade leaned over the counter to grab a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard. Jade had a style that Tori knew would never suit herself, but something about her friend’s whole look made her wish she could pull off an outfit like that. While the black sheer tights were also a plus, Tori’s eyes remained focused on the size of Jade’s ass that was accentuated by the curve of her spine as she leaned over. If she looked a second longer, Jade would have caught Tori in the act of admiring her figure once she turned around and returned to her spot on the couch.

“You talk to anyone else recently?” Jade asked before taking a sip of water. She set a second glass down on the table in front of Tori.

“Oh, thank you,” the brunette reached for the glass. “Andre, a little. I feel bad, I’m not really texting anyone first because I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m ignoring them.”

Jade scowled. “Beck and Robbie?”

“They’ve texted me like once, asking how I’m doing,” Tori shrugged.

“I’ll kill them,” the other muttered under her breath.

“No! It’s okay. I wouldn’t know how to handle this either.”

“So it’s only been me blowing up your phone?”

Tori laughed. “Oh no, Cat sends me stuff all the time.”

“Let me guess, pictures of animals?” Jade set her glass down on the table and crossed her legs.

“Yup! Honestly, it’s nice.”

“Yeah. Yikes, sorry I almost forgot what we’re actually supposed to be doing,” Jade reached in her bag for her script. And now Tori’s eyes focused on a second place of Jade’s body, this time a front view as Jade leaned down. 

_Stop staring, you’re so rude._ Tori shivered off the thought and waited for what Jade would have to say first about the play.

“Okay. We’re like, an incredibly important role in this. Rebecca is the one who arranges the— wait, have you read it all the way through yet?”

Tori’s shoulders slouched. “No, not yet.”

“Oh, no worries that’s okay! So, she’s the head of the theatre department at the university that Matthew went to, and I think that’s just why I was… why _we_ were both so excited to audition for her. She’s kind of the big symbol of “hope” and “change” and she hopes for the community to learn to support each other, stuff like that. Oh, we also have two other parts as well-”

“ _Huh?_ I thought we were just one person?”

“Well, there’s so many roles in the play. So, to reduce cast size they’re having like, ‘Role 1, Role 2’ and so on but each of us playing a few different characters in the play. Don’t worry, it’s evenly spread out. Plus, we have the best part.”

Tori tried to remain calm until she learned more. “Well, who else do we play?”

“Reggie, the officer. She’s fun, too. We get to explain when we find his body and um, all of the blood-”

“Oh God, honestly I’m glad _you’re_ doing that and I don’t have to,” Tori squirmed and scrunched her nose.

Jade pouted her lip. “But you have to practice with me!”

“No, no, I will, I know,” Tori backtracked, brushing her hands down her arms. “I just don’t like that kind of stuff, it makes me sad and squeamish.”

“It always has,” Jade said simply. “I don’t mind it, personally.” 

Tori raised one eyebrow. “Interesting, but makes sense.” 

“Yes, stereotype me _harder_ ,” Jade teased, moving over on the couch to get closer to Tori. “Just wait until you hear about my scissors," she hummed with pride. 

Tori gulped. “Um… scissors?” 

“You know, _The Scissoring_ ,” Jade smirked, amusing herself more than anything else. Once she glanced back up to Tori, she noticed her friend was blushed and wide eyed. After realizing what horrible mistake she made, Jade stammered as she remembered Tori wouldn't have even remembered when the movie came out a year and a half ago. 

“No! It’s a horror movie! You dirty little freak,” Jade laughed, mostly to make sure she kept the mood light as Tori was clearly embarrassed. 

“Well what did you expect me to think? That there’s an actual movie that’s not… _you know_ … did they really have to title it The Scissoring?” Tori sighed exasperatedly. 

Jade was amused at the way Tori was trying to justify her mind being absolutely in the gutter. “I mean, yes, they did. She scissors a lot of people-” 

“Oh my God,” Tori burst out laughing.

“Sorry, I had to. But anyway, we don’t have to do that part today. Oh, let’s look at that one part with Rebecca… we practiced this together for our audition. I know you don’t remember, but here let me see…”

Jade didn’t mind revealing her rather nerdy and passionate side to Tori anymore, seeing as she didn’t have any reputation for being tough, at least not yet. “Okay, it says page 490 at the top,” blue eyes glanced up at Tori’s, catching her in her stare for the first time this afternoon. There was a sustained moment of eye contact while Tori very obviously tried to play it off like she wasn’t watching her friend. Jade’s eyes lingered over the panicked brunette’s face in disbelief; she brushed her tongue along her bottom lip while Tori frantically flipped through her pages.

“Okay, so this big paragraph here?”

“Yup,” Jade sighed, frustrated yet again with her hopeful thoughts. “So this is the first larger look into her character, and she introduces another main character in the story who is really important in the end. Jedadiah, this kid, isn’t even gay but his parents are so unaccepting when he joins a play, of course, about LGBT acceptance. He does what he wants with his life anyway moving forward and it’s all good in the end, but anyway, that’s what this part is here.”

Tori was taken aback by how casually Jade was explaining this situation and reminded herself that she’s older than she last remembers. This isn’t an awkward middle school subject anymore. “Okay, so…”

Jade laughed softly, telling herself in her mind to slow down. “So in the first part, she’s basically saying that when the reporters showed up and wanted to speak with her, she was feeling a bit negatively about it, ‘why are you doing this to me,’ before she realizes it’s not personal and that this major story needs to be shared and told in order to teach other communities. She’s all about her students being able to share their thoughts and how they feel honestly, like talk with discourse is better than no talk and allowing people to stick to their own learned ways that might not be the best for them.”

 _God, passionate and beautiful? Why am I even worth being the understudy for her?_ “Right.”

“So this is a tricky part, kind of,” Jade continued her rambling, knowing that she would never explain the character in this much detail to Tori before. Jade had always refused to allow others to see this side of her. She worked independently, did her best work alone, studied the hardest alone, was most comfortable in her own brain when it came to creativity. It was horrifying to let Tori in on this, but Jade knew that her friend needed it. 

“She’s so damaged and hurt by this certain opinion that existed in a community that literally got someone killed, but she still has the courage to support openly talking about issues like this to _everyone_ , regardless of background or upbringing. So, how do you _act out_ ‘damaged and sick of this shit, but we need to be brave and change this’ you know?”

Tori was beginning to follow along better now. She had read Act I, and although there were a lot of different characters, she got the general gist of the play and how something like this really does affect an entire community, and _nobody_ likes to learn that someone was brutally murdered. “I mean, I don’t know anything about acting. But to me, I see her as one of those professors that will literally lie awake at night worrying about her students. Like she is exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually… and unless she’s actually _speaking of_ her students, she would just sound… tired, you know? Dull and detached.”

“Well, what do you know? Tori Vega doing some solid character analysis,” Jade remarked, leaning back a bit and smiling.

The brunette wished she understood why it felt so damn good to have Jade say her full name. “What, do I not do that normally?” She asked with concern.

“I don’t know. We’ve never really worked together like this, other than right before the audition” Jade put simply.

Tori scowled. “What a weird time to start, huh?”

Jade kept smiling at everything Tori said, and it didn’t go unnoticed. She figured that all of her friends might be a little overjoyed and weird at first due to their excitement of getting to spend time with her again. But when Jade looked at the other, all Tori could think about is the way she said _‘you’re incredible.’_

“Yeah, but better late than never! Do you want to read a little bit? I can read for Rebecca and you can do the Kaufman line before?”

Tori was nervous about being judged for how she did this, but reminded herself that there is no possible way for her to recall any information about acting whatsoever. Jade wouldn’t make fun of her, she needed to trust that.

“Um, yeah sure,” the brunette straightened her posture. “Do you want me to start from 489?”

“Yeah,” Jade shifted her position as well, bringing her eyes to the page until Tori began speaking.

“ _The company has agreed that we should go to Laramie for a week and interview people. Am a bit afraid about taking ten people in a trip of this nature. Must make some safety rules. No one works alone. Everyone carries cell phones…”_

Finally, Jade could have a minute to gaze at her friend without her noticing. She would admire the definition of Tori’s cheekbones, and exhale with admiration as her friend pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. Jade would allow herself to be in love with the girl sitting right in front of her, who would never know a thing with her eyes buried in her script.

“ _...and has promised to introduce us to possible interviewees.”_

Before Jade could begin, Tori’s eyes found the bright blue pair she was fascinated with and scowled. “Was that okay?”

The other laughed softly, “You’re just reading, don’t worry. You did fine.”

Brown eyes closed as Tori sighed, reacting to the dull headache growing behind her eyes. 

_“I must tell you that when I first heard that you were thinking of coming here, when you first called me, I wanted to say, You’ve just kicked me in the stomach. Why are you doing this to me?”_

Jade paused, recognizing those words in a way that resonated with her. They described how she felt when Andre had called her to tell her that Tori was in an accident. _Why are you doing this to me?_

She had trouble shaking the thought off, but Tori noticed that something was off. She looked up at Jade who seemed to be stuck looking down at her page. After realizing she was being watched, she continued after a deep breath.

 _"_ _But then I thought, That’s stupid, you’re not doing this to me. And, more important, I thought about it and decided that we’ve had so much negative closure on this whole thing...”_

Finally, Tori could have a minute to gaze at her friend without her noticing. She would admire the precision of Jade’s makeup, and exhale with relief at the continued sound of Jade’s voice, which was very different from her normal speaking voice, but no more or less relaxing than either tone. This one was just different, clean, innocent, _sweet._ Tori would allow herself to be continually perplexed at the beauty of the girl, even with Jade sitting right in front of her, who would never know a thing with her eyes buried in her script.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! sorry for the kind of longer update between chapters this go around. see you in the next one! :)


	7. lipstick stain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tori returns to school and Jade instantly becomes someone to look forward to and lean on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT to thank my good friend Conor aka Fnuckles who I talk to about this fic every single day. they've helped me a lot in creating the universe for this story and they're overall just a lovely person whom I am very thankful for 🥰
> 
> ADDITIONALLY, sorry for updating so late! i got back to my job in person and i've been pretty busy and stuff. anyway, here's some angst about Tori's first day back, GET READY FOR MAXIMUM GAY COMING VERY SOON :)

_How do you dress when it’s your first day back to school in two weeks, and you have no recollection of this building or anything about it?_

_What do you wear when everyone already has a certain style associated with you, and the last thing you’re trying to do is draw attention to something that’s different. Would an unexpected outfit really change the inevitable nature that today would bring: suffocation and anxiety? No. Everyone is still going to flood you with questions and kind words and they will all be strangers to you. Well, most everyone._

The clock read 7:14 as Tori took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. _It’s gonna be okay. Jade will be there._

She wished Trina was still at Hollywood Arts; she would drop kick anyone who had anything rude or overwhelming to say to her little sister. Last time she remembered riding to school, her mom was dropping Tori off at Sherwood before dropping Trina off. Apparently, Trina had been the one driving Tori to school for the last two years, and she would miss that freedom this year. Tori wondered how long it would take to convince Holly to let one of her friends drive her instead.

It’s only a five minute drive, but Holly didn’t say much in the car. Tori had enough going through her mind, and she might need to work this out silently herself. Her daughter had too many things to focus on and sort in her brain, and another voice in the background might be too much to handle at this moment.

Eventually, the car stopped in front of the main entrance at Tori’s school. She was unable to pinpoint one particular emotion, but at least one of them was excitement. She turned to her mom one last time before getting out of the car.

Holly’s eyes were about to overflow with tears. “You’ll be okay, and I’ll have my phone on me all day.”

Tori nodded, pressing her lips together and squeezing her mom’s hand that reached out to her. “I’ll be okay,” she repeated, speaking the words to conviction. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” she whispered as she watched her daughter close the door and turn around. Within seconds, arms swung around Tori and squeezed her tight. Holly recognized the red hair immediately, wincing at the impact of the excited hug. Cat smiled and waved at Mrs. Vega before she drove off.

“We’re so excited you’re back! It’s felt like so long!” Cat shrieked in excitement, taking Tori’s hand in her own and pulling her forcefully as she skipped forward.

Tori stumbled over her own feet trying to keep up. “Cat, can you slow down please? I don’t want my head to start hurting again.”

The two slowed down at the doors as Cat turned around with wide eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. “I’ll try to be calm.”

Tori laughed softly, pulling the door open. “It’s okay. I just gotta be careful, you know?”

The two girls made their way down the hall. Tori gazed up at large murals painted across the walls. So many colors, so much noise, so much _talent._ “I know, I know. Andre told me like a hundred times to be careful with you and not attack you with cuddles!” Cat sighed happily as she latched onto Tori’s arm.

Though she had never had a friend that was outwardly friendly and physically affectionate, Tori didn’t mind it. In fact, she enjoyed it. It was odd the way a practical stranger instantly made her feel appreciated and loved; Cat exudes positive energy constantly, and Tori would absorb as much of that as she could get.

“I’m going to get lost here aren’t I?” Tori asked hesitantly.

“Everyone knows you, you could ask pretty much anyone and they’ll help you.” Cat affirmed. They reached a more open area with a staircase and an open floor where pairs of friends were playing instruments, dancing, and talking with each other. Cat stopped abruptly, but Tori kept walking ahead.

The brunette heard a voice shout after her, causing her to turn around quickly. Cat was standing next to a locker that had lights built into it like stars. “This one’s yours!”

Tori had recognized it after a few seconds, remembering seeing the same ‘Make It Shine’ words in the background of a few pictures of her friends near the lockers. “Oh! Right…” she approached the locker, suddenly realizing the problem. “Wait, what’s my combination?”

Cat’s eyes grew wide again. “Uh oh.”

“I got it,” a familiar voice sounded from behind Tori. She flinched at the realization that someone was behind her, and the fear grew stronger once she saw Jade with an axe in hand. It was only seconds before she swung with full force at the locker, directly nailing the lock that fell off and crashed to the floor. Tori jumped back at the sound, placing her hands over her ears and yelping a bit.

Jade turned around at her friend, horrified that she didn’t realize sooner it would be an uncomfortably loud sound for Tori. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, did that hurt your ears?”

 _“That’s_ what you’re apologizing for?” Tori laughed, relieving Jade’s anxiety. “I’m fine, you just… came out of nowhere with an _axe?”_

The fair skinned girl shrugged. “It’s for class. But I like carrying it around to scare people,” Jade smirked, swinging it back and forth a bit with pride.

Tori slowly turned toward Cat, who was indifferent to the scene. “Isn’t that like, you know, not allowed in school? Carrying weapons?”

“It’s just a prop,” Jade cooed innocently. Tori stared at her, wondering why this was making her heart beat faster, but not in a fearful way. “No it’s not,” Jade admitted. “Shhhhh.”

 _Okay, yeah. I’m a little scared of Jade._ “Uh, thanks for the help.”

“I’ll tell the janitor to put a new lock on it. No worries,” Jade said simply before walking away quickly.

Cat stood quietly as Tori pawed through the books in her locker. She found the proper materials for her morning classes and put them into her backpack as a sea of whispering voices began to close in on her. There were a few small groups of people beginning to stare from afar, but Tori didn’t realize until turning around while pulling the strap of her bag in her shoulder. Countless faces of strangers smiled upon making eye contact with the girl who had survived a traumatic accident.

“Oh, God. Cat, can you walk me to my first class?” Tori turned to the girl who was waving to Andre. His smile was contagious, and Beck was not far behind him.

“Hey, girly! Where ya headed?” Beck playfully nudged Cat a bit to say hello.

Tori gripped the printed schedule tightly, squinting to make out the small text. “Uh, history-”

Andre’s voice sounded next. “Oh yeah, you’re with that one guy. We can walk you there-”

“Tori!” Another voice interrupted. Robbie appeared with that puppet she’d seen in pictures and heard about. _He really does take him everywhere, doesn’t he?_

“Hi Robbie,” she managed, raising an eyebrow at the puppet again. “Rex, is it?”

“How could you forget someone as handsome as me, hmmm? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Beck scratched the back of his head as Robbie laughed nervously. “Rex, that’s not a nice thing to joke about right now-”  
  
“No, it’s okay,” Tori glanced to Robbie, then back to Rex. _What the hell, he’s so good as a ventriloquist that I’m already separating the two as their own identities. “_ I only know because of your bad reputation.”

Rex’s head slowly turned to Robbie as he began shaking with rage. “ _What did you say about me?!”_

The awkward boy stammered. “I-I didn’t say anything! It was Jade!”

“Hmph. Figures. That grunch!”

Tori scowled. _Jade’s not a grunch. That’s not even a real word?_ As the bell rang, Tori’s eyes returned to Andre, who seemed genuinely displeased with the entire conversation. He took Tori’s arm lightly and began to move along. “Okay, come on Cat.”

“Where are we going?”

“The second floor, we all have class there first period,” Beck sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Oh, you’re right, yay! Bye Robbie!”

More colorful halls. More singing and music coming from various rooms. More people with intimidating and impressive styles. More overwhelming emotions around lost experiences.

Andre gestured to a classroom as he turned around to face Tori again. “Alright, here we are. Want me to meet you back here to help you find the next class?”

“Yes please,” Tori spoke softly, holding back tears. 

Andre knew that about-to-cry face like the back of his hand, and rested his hand on Tori’s shoulder gently. “It’s gonna be alright. Teachers know not to bring attention to this kind of thing. I’ll kick anyone’s ass who ticks you off, okay?”

Cat gasped at Andre’s language, but Tori laughed appreciatively. “Thanks, Andre.”

“See ya,” he whispered before walking off.

“You’ll do great,” Beck added in, offering her a small smile.

“Good luck, Tori,” she called following behind him.

The teacher stood from his desk to greet Tori, extending a hand out to her. “Mr. Morris. Welcome back. Pretty easy day today, but let me know if you need any copies of notes or anything ever, okay?”

“Sure,” Tori nodded nervously. She looked over her shoulder at the desks spaced out, wondering where her seat might be. “Um-”

“Oh, sit anywhere you’d like.”

Next to the window. In the middle of the row, she didn’t want to appear disrespectful to the teacher who seemed kind so far. This was as invisible as she could be, but she wished it was more.

No one said anything to her. A few people looked over to Tori throughout class and gave a small smile, but no one interacted. She didn’t mind, she didn’t need any more distractions than she already had in her own mind. Class seemed like ten minutes, and ten hours at the same time. It was the first time she had heard some new conversation topics in two weeks, which made it somewhat relieving to have the noise of her new reality dulled for forty minutes. The bell rang, and French was next. Andre was outside as promised, but he was the only friend from the group there.

“You okay?”  
  
“I guess,” Tori sighed. “Where to next?”

Andre tried not to let worry draw across his face. “Downstairs, near the room that we’ll have Improv in third period.”

Tori’s feet followed Andre, but she felt herself floating again. Somehow everything was on her mind, but none of it caused any feeling. _Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?_

Jade was by Tori’s locker again, now holding two travel drink cups. The two girls had smiles that grew bigger the closer Tori walked to the other. Jade extended her left hand out to Tori, while Andre was on high alert.

“Do you want some tea?”

“Ooh! What kind?” Tori took the cup carefully from Jade’s hand, wanting nothing more than to make contact again, but deciding to avoid the risk of showing a reaction.

“Peppermint. You like that, right?”

Jade’s heart melted as Tori carefully removed the lid to smell the tea and softly moaned in delight. She knew the girl had developed an appreciation for peppermint tea and scents to manage stress.

“Yeah, thank you so much, Jade-”

Before Jade could further melt into the sound of Tori’s voice saying her name, Andre interrupted. “What did you do to it?”

Jade shot a rather intimidating look in Andre’s direction, throwing Tori off guard from the previous sweet interaction. “Nothing, _why would you ask that?”_

 _Damn, her eyes could kill,_ Tori thought.

He immediately realized his mistake, and understood Jade’s aggression. His nervous, fake laugh surfaced as he began fidgeting. “Oh! Well, you know, you and your pranks,” he managed between half hearted laughs.

“I’ve _never_ done anything rude to Tori,” Jade shook off the anger, smirking at Tori.

Tori smiled and nodded slowly. “Definitely not. And especially never involving hot liquid in coffee cups.”

Jade grimaced and leaned back on her heels. “Yikes.”

The bell rang again, and Andre raised an eyebrow at Jade before leading Tori to the next class.

Tori met another nice teacher, she sat quietly in a seat near the window again, and this time noticed that people wouldn’t even _look_ at her. While she was frustrated with being ignored, it wasn’t any easier to have to decide to approach anyone first _herself._ It was like being the new kid at school in a state across the country, except everyone knows way too much about you already.

Another sip of tea. Another minute of wanting to be closer to Jade.

Of course, the teacher asked everyone to pair up with partners. And what did Tori know about French? Absolutely nothing.

“I’m Sinjin. We were friends before.”

Tori hoped her smile appeared genuine, that she was good enough at acting to at least fake a friendly smile. “Oh! Well, nice to formally meet you, again…”

“Do you know any French?”

“No.”

“It’s okay, me neither. I’m not sure why I’m in this class as a senior.”

Friendly fake smile gone. “Oh. Alright. Well-”

“Is it weird to be back at school?”

 _Goddamn it._ “Yeah, very.”

“You know your locker? And how it lights up? I helped you put that together.”

Okay, she could maybe go with this topic. “That’s super nice. So, I chose to have it look like that, right?”

“Yupperdoodle.”

Tori scowled and looked away. She knew it was the name of the song she sang in place of Trina, but to have a locker that has no meaning to her current experience suddenly bothered her. 

Class went on after partner work, luckily the teacher knew not to call on Tori and Sinjin, and Tori continued counting down the minutes until seeing Jade again. 

* * *

A loud voice boomed throughout the room, “Tori Vega!”

The first teacher to make a scene out of her appearance today, and it was Sikowitz. Luckily, Jade and Andre were in the class, making her feel a bit more secure.

“Hi, Mr. Sikowitz.”

The man burst into uncontrollable laughter, almost like a character out of a scary movie. Jade smiled at his outburst, nodding her head slightly to Tori.

“Told you,” Jade muttered.

“No one calls me Mr. Sikowitz. Just ‘Sikowitz’ will do.”

Without questioning, Tori shrugged. “Oh, okay!”

He clapped his hands together so loudly that Tori flinched. “Now, would you like to get it over with and jump onstage for your first exercise?”

Before Tori could offer a polite way of saying no, Jade threw her hands in the air. “Really, dude?”

“No!” Was his answer as he folded his arms. “I’m not _that_ horrible of a person.”

Andre chuckled softly, and Tori felt her shoulders loosen. “Okay, please, no. I’ll just listen today, if that’s okay.”

The bearded man smiled at the girl. “Good! Because I have a few words of encouragement.” He pulled out a lawn chair from the side of the room, and pulled a coconut out of his oversized sweater pocket. 

Tori’s jaw fell open as he sat down and started puncturing the coconut. “Uhhh-”

“Something wrong?” He asked in an amused manner.

She studied him, wondering if he would lecture her if she judged him for his outfit, his hair, his coconut… so she kept her mouth shut. “No, sir.”

Jade’s mouth went dry at Tori’s words as she crossed her legs. _Why does that turn me on?_ She never sits next to Tori in classes, but she regretted that now, realizing she should have started a long time ago.

“Tori, on your first day of school at Hollywood Arts, you offered me two dollars outside the school entrance because you thought I was homeless-”

Jade snorted, making Tori ease up a bit with how he was honest yet seemed fond of her so far. “Yikes-”

“Not yikes, it was excellent! You’ve always been the sweetest peach in the patch, but you’re not afraid to tell people off when it’s necessary. I pretended to disapprove of your acting of ‘The Bird Scene’ the first few days you were here, and you finally worked up the nerve to tell me off and defend your acting choices.”

Tori recalled that situation, what her friend had told her. “Ah, I heard about that.”

He smiled. “Oh really? How’d it feel to learn you did that?”

If it was any other teacher, she probably would have already left the room by now. It was as if she _should_ be offended by Sikowitz singling her out, but she couldn’t be. “Um. It was weird, you know. I never would have done that to a teacher before-”

“But you did,” he said before sipping coconut juice through a straw. Tori was disgusted, yet fascinated.

She wasn’t sure how to take his sudden and blunt mood change. “Um… I’m really sorry-”

“No! Do not apologize. I only tell you this to break you out of your shell a bit. I want this class especially to feel like, what do you call it nowadays… a safe space, if you will.”

Jade felt as though she could cry. She had always liked the man to a degree, but this was incredibly impressive for him.

“I know you feel as scared, if not, _more_ scared than you did when you walked in this classroom for the first time two years ago, but I am here to tell you that you are a bright and bold soul down to the core, and I refuse to let you see anything else but that in yourself.”

Tori could have cried too, but she was too happy with this introduction that she felt simply overjoyed. “Thank you Mr…. Sikowitz. Just, Sikowitz.”

“That’s my girl. Okay, enough Tori time. I’m sure you’re going through enough today.”

He asked her to hold his coconut before he folded his chair and threw it back to where he got it from. “New exercise! You are all lost toddlers in the grocery store trying to find your mothers. Go!”

Instantly, everyone jumped out of their seats and began wailing hysterically like a whiny four year old.

_What. The. Fuck?_

* * *

“Okay, now Tori, uhhh…”

Andre trailed off, but it was clear he wasn’t just taking the time to think. He was hesitating, and Tori’s heart started beating fast.

“What? Is my song really bad?”

“No, no! Not at all. It’s really good.”

The two were in a practice room, by permission of the songwriting teacher who had praised Tori’s previous work upon meeting her. Andre was undeniably the best songwriter in the school, and the most talented with music theory and instruments; he would fit into the music business picture seamlessly after graduating. The teacher thought it might be easier for Tori to be reintroduced to songwriting if she had some one on one time with her close friend who she had worked with frequently in the past, without the pressure of other people’s work all around her in the regular classroom.

“It’s just, uh. Really personal, so if this gets to be too much, you know… I understand if you need a minute.”

She wasn’t nervous before, but she was now. “Alright, well. Let’s get this over with,” she spoke softly while pulling the pair of headphones over her ears.

Andre didn’t say anything more. He loaded up the session on his laptop and clicked play, and stared silently at the floor while Tori listened. It started with piano and other soft electronic instruments in the background.

_I would’ve never predicted this_

_I’ve never been more happy to be wrong_

_You tried to tell me to give it up_

_But I’ve known what you needed all along_

_You try to hide from everyone_

_But I’ve seen you without your armor_

_I’ve watched you grow and screamed your name at every show_

_And maybe it’s time that you know_

_I never felt a fire until you_

_I’m up in flames and you’re the gasoline_

_You’re like a fever, but I can’t break it_

_I can’t break the way I burn for you_

“Okay, alright-” Tori choked on her words as she took the headphones off. Not only did she have the lyrics to be overwhelmed about, but those _vocals… can I really sing like that? What the fuck?_

Andre hit pause and carefully turned to Tori again. “Yeah, that’s why I warned you.”

Her mouth hung open as her heart broke. If she felt this way about _somebody_ , she wants to know. But she doesn’t want to know, because she’s not _that_ Tori anymore. She can’t just magically develop feelings for someone that she had before. Even worse, it could be a complete one sided attraction and she was never meant to be with this person.

“Um, yeah, I think I need a minute. I’m just gonna, umm… go to the bathroom I guess-”

Andre’s heart began to race as guilt swelled his head. “I’m so sorry, Tori-”

“No! No. It’s okay…” her voice grew quieter as she inched toward the door. He watched her back turn as she quickly exited the room.

Today 11:38 AM

**_hey, can you meet me at my locker?_ **

Jade had been waiting for this moment all day. She had never once in her life felt so _wanted._

_Of course, gimme a min._

Tori was already there, clenching her phone to her chest and taking deep breaths. _Please, be quick._ Her breathing was becoming irregular, manual. She was already breaking into a sweat, and her brisk walk from class to her locker felt more like a 5k, at least that’s what her exhaustion was telling her. Her eyes became fixed on some lights on the ceiling, something about the pain of her eyes burning and tearing up was relieving, just something else to feel instead of panic and isolation.

Jade appeared around the corner, her footsteps loud prior to her arrival. “Hey, what’s going on?” She offered with a soft voice.

“I knew it was going to be the hardest part of the day. The songwriting class,” Tori began. She faced Jade, whose lips were slightly parted, her eyes wide. She longed to be the cure to Tori’s upset, but unfortunately, she had never seen Tori in a state like this. She’d seen the brunette undoubtedly embarrassed and humiliated, but never fearful and stunned like this. She shook her hands as a nervous laugh escaped her lips.

“I-I um, listened to a song that I wrote apparently _the day_ before the accident, and… I don’t know, it was such a weird consciousness that I haven’t really thought about yet. The past two weeks have been trying to dig up my past _from the beginning,_ you know, go back as far to 2011 as I possibly could, and learn everything from where I ‘left off'... but that _song,_ Jesus it was _so weird_ because that was so recent _!_ ” She finally broke crying, after her words were barely audible with high pitched utterances. 

Jade slowly stepped closer after placing her coffee cup on the floor. Tori’s eyes followed the movement, fixating on the lipstick stain on the lid of the cup. It was a subtle matte color, the perfect shade of pastel pink that was just tinted enough to define Jade’s lips a bit darker. “Do you want a hug?”

Tori nodded and immediately fell into Jade. It was heartbreaking to feel Tori shaking through a hug from sobs. Jade never would have guessed an experience like this, but moments like these called for it. And she held on for a long, long time. She held Tori until she could count seconds between her breaths, until she was filling her lungs with enough air again. It was involuntary when Jade’s hand brushed down Tori’s straightened hair. She had always wanted to do that, in one way or another. It made her smirk when she first saw the brunette this morning with pin straight hair, just like her first day at Hollywood Arts two years ago. Jade physically bit her tongue to stop herself from making a comment, avoiding potentially offending Tori. 

“Come on,” Jade pulled away, and brushed a lock of Tori’s hair out of her face. “Let’s go somewhere more private, you can tell me more there. I don’t want a teacher to catch us.”

“Okay,” Tori agreed, admiring Jade’s stunning eyes once again. She glanced at the lipstick on the coffee cup lid again as Jade’s turned to pick the cup back up.

“Hold out your wrist,” the fair skinned girl smirked, causing Tori’s heart to skip a beat.

She figured it was useless to question it, knowing Jade was currently the friend she trusted most. She did as she was told.

Jade softly wrapped her fingers around Tori’s wrist and dragged her a few feet away to a door. She smelled old paint, shitty surface cleaners, dirty laundry, and several other unpleasant smells as her friend opened the door.

Jade smiled at Tori’s scowl. “A janitor’s closet?”

“Yeah! More popular of a hideout spot than you'd expect.”

Tori’s face was already warm from crying before, but she felt as though she was blushing at Jade’s expression. “But, at school, aren’t closets where people… you know…” _Do sexual things?_ Tori thought as she was unable to finish the sentence out loud. Her entire body was screaming as Jade's stare continued to make her panic. Something in her actually _liked_ it. 

Jade simply scoffed, breaking the deafening silence that suffocated Tori. “Nah, people just go on the roof to smoke.”

Tori’s lips pressed together as she drowned in her own embarrassment. _Why would your mind even go there, what is wrong with you?_

Tori looked around for a moment, trying to bring her mind back to reality. She wondered how many times she had been here before. “Um, alright.”

“So, tell me more about your day. Who have you met so far?” Jade sat down on a bucket, causing Tori to softly laugh at her oddly comfortable state.

The brunette remained standing, but leaned on a storage box behind her. “Umm… this weird, curly haired kid-”

“Sinjin,” Jade concluded with a lip pout. “How’d that go?”

“He was okay. I mean, weird, sure. I wasn’t sad when we stopped talking. He’s in my French class-”

“Oh _God,”_ Jade groaned and rolled her eyes. The way she tilted her head back made Tori’s stomach flip. Her defined jawline, the way the muscles in her neck moved - the sight made Tori feel unexpectedly… _good._

“Sinjin has failed that class every semester _on purpose_ just to meet new girls there.”

Tori raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “But… why _French class?_ Why not meet girls, you know, anywhere else?”

Jade shrugged. “Couldn’t tell ya. Who else?”

Tori scowled as she thought. “No one new. Andre, Beck, and Cat walked me to class this morning.”

Jade regretted that she wasn’t there too, but she didn’t want to be around to witness Beck’s first interaction with Tori after the hospital. She was secretly dreading lunch, and the thought of Tori falling for him was undoubtedly her biggest fear at the moment. “Oh, that’s nice of them. How have your other classes been?”

Tori sighed, brushing her hair behind her shoulders and rolling her neck a bit. “Awkward. Boring, but fine. Is it hot in here?” She asked with a nervous laugh. 

Jade’s eyes glanced down at Tori’s fingers as they unbuttoned the top button on her shirt. _Don’t fucking stare._ “No, I’m okay.” _But I won’t be if you undo another button._

“I can’t shake this panicky feeling,” Tori’s voice was still short of breath.

“How can I help?”

“I don’t _know,_ like I want to go home but I’ll never manage school if I just run away from it and don’t deal with it. I can’t stop thinking about that song and how I sounded while singing it. I’ve never felt anything like that, and I don’t think I could just suddenly sing like that again now? Like what if I’m _not_ the miracle story everyone wants me to be who is just as good at singing now than she was before and just hits the ground running after recovery and-“

Jade closed her eyes and nodded, causing Tori to stop the words from spilling out of her mouth. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jade said softly. She just wanted to hold her hurting friend, like she wanted to hold her at her house the other day. That feeling seemed to never go away. “Just take a deep breath with me.”

Tori did. She stretched her hands behind her head, not even noticing when the second button down on her shirt snapped open. Ironically, as Jade was helping Tori through a panic attack, her own heart rate continued to rise. Tori was never one to wear a black cami under a denim button down, _why now?_ _Is she trying to kill me?_

“Okay. Now what?” 

Jade’s question was blunt, confusing the brunette. “Um, what? I don’t know.”

“Well, you stated these feelings and problems you’re having. What’s the solution?”

“There’s like seventeen problems, I don’t know which one to start at-“ Tori began, fixing her hair again. She knew she was fidgeting, but Jade’s stillness was somehow grounding even if she couldn’t achieve the same.

“Okay, let’s pick one. Just one. We can fix it the best we can. What’s the biggest thing that’s happened today that would take some of the weight off?”

 _This isn’t fair. Jade shouldn’t be playing therapist with me, I don’t deserve it and she deserves better than dealing with me._ “Uhhh… probably this singing thing. This song was so like, romantic it didn’t even sound like me. I’ve never really been super into anyone the last I remembered. Other than Danny.”

 _God fucking damn it._ “ _Oh_. You remember Danny?”

“Yup. All of it. Last I remember was a few months after I broke up with him.”

Jade suddenly went silent. “Interesting.”

Tori continued, already brushing the side topic off. “I mean, ‘I cant break the way I burn for you,’ what the _fuck_ is that?”

Jade laughed at Tori swearing, something she never did before but she’s glad it’s happening now. “I don’t know, it’s an assignment for a class. Maybe it’s not super personal at all, you were just writing for a prompt and that’s what you came up with. I could have been based on _Gossip Girl_ for all you know.” She was surprised at her own spontaneous suggestion, wondering if it was truly an attempt to comfort Tori, or if it was more for herself.

Tori scowled, her nose scrunching a bit. Jade reminded herself to keep her eyes on Tori’s face, _not_ the new skin revealed under the newly undone buttons. “Oh. That’s very true.”

“See? Problem solved. Well, maybe not perfectly. But somewhat resolved, anyway. That’s called de-escalating. When we’re overwhelmed, or struggling with anxiety, we tend to immediately think of the worst possible outcomes-“

The brunette interrupted her friend’s words with a laugh. “Yeah…”

“What helps me is if I just think the opposite of everything I’m worried about. ‘What if this song is super personal? What is this about?’ can be turned into, ‘What if it’s _not_ personal?’”

“Right... and even if it is, I can just come up with some explanation that fits my life currently. Or maybe it’s based on _Gossip Girl_ ,” Tori laughed again. 

Jade smiled, appreciative of Tori’s open mindedness. _She is so brave, it’s incredible._

“Okay, one down. We can keep going if you want, I’m perfectly fine with skipping my whole history class,” Jade offered, standing from the bucket.

Tori slouched upon realizing she should get back to class so Andre wasn’t worrying. “Thank you, I should get back to class though. Andre’s probably freaked out right now.”

Jade’s eyes widened. “Oh yeah, go, he definitely is.”

Tori picked up her bag and looked up at Jade once more with a warm smile on her face. “Thank you so much. Hug?”

The way Tori held her arms out waiting for the embrace made Jade’s heart erupt. She looked forward to learning more signature Tori-isms that would surface, things she always did and continued to do in the same way as before. It was so special to Jade that she needed to hold back tears until Tori left the closet.

Jade was alone again. She thought of all of the things she didn’t get a chance to say to Tori. She couldn’t just overwhelm her with past stories and try to use the past to prove to Tori how great she was, and is. The memories are important, but her self worth wasn’t going to be rebuilt solely on those stories. That's a lot of pressure to live up to when you're lost at sea navigating your own lost identity.

_You’re easily one of the top five best singers at this school. You’ll easily blow up as a musician someday, for some reason you haven’t started a YouTube channel but when you do, you’re going to just fly away._

_You will sing like that again. I bet you’ll surprise yourself, and I know it feels scary but imagine how freeing it will feel when you learn your passion again._

_You were made to be a performer, and you’re becoming an amazing songwriter. You’re learning piano too, and developing your own soft yet powerful sound._

_You’re absolutely captivating when you perform. It takes my breath away every single time._

The door opened, and a janitor stared at the girl sitting and staring at the floor.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?”

Jade looked up at the man, unbothered. “I guess. Did you change the lock on Tori’s locker yet?”

“No,” he grunted.

Jade grabbed the man’s shirt collar and inched in. _“_ _Do it,”_ she hissed before storming out.

* * *

“Alright, I’m back,” Tori exhaled as she sat down in her seat again.

Andre startled at her hand on his shoulder as he was lost in the music through his headphones. “Oh, great! Did you um, want to keep listening?”

Tori took a deep breath while nodding. “Sure.”

He smiled before turning back to the mix and pressing 'play'.

_I keep hearing your voice_

_In my head when I go to sleep_

_And I’m still holding on_

_All your words are mine to keep_

_You tell me how I’m crazy_

_This time, I think you’re right_

_Why’s the one that makes me mad_

_The same one who keeps me up at night_

_I never felt a fire until you_

_I’m up in flames and you’re the gasoline_

_You’re like a fever, but I can’t break it_

_I can’t break the way I burn for you_

The music stopped rather abruptly, causing Tori’s anticipation to deflate. “Aw, that’s it?”

“Well, that’s what we have so far! Well, what you had.”

“Wait, I thought we wrote all our stuff together?”

Andre laughed and rubbed his hands together. “Well, originally it was supposed to be everyone writing their own songs. Yours happened to be something I ended up helping with, because we were talking about stuff and you wanted to change what yours was about. I just helped you edit some things.”

Tori winced. “I’m not one of those annoyingly dependent classmates, am I?”

“No no no! We just work really well together. It happened naturally, I was willing, I promise. Anyway, now I’m kind of going to help you through this year, because well, you know.”

“Right,” she sighed. “Okay, well do you know what I wrote this about?”

Andre was already prepared to answer this question as smoothly and falsely as possible. “Nah, why?” For once he had pulled off a lie. Maybe.

Tori scowled and slouched. “Oh, I thought maybe you would have. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.”

He was stunned. “Wait, it doesn’t?”

She shrugged. “I mean, whoever it was about probably never knew I felt this way. I’m not good at expressing my romantic feelings, I get too scared about losing that person.”

Andre was fighting every urge to agree with that statement.

“Maybe it’s best if it just stays in the past. If it becomes relevant and I somehow connect to it later on, that’s cool too.”

“Damn Tori, why you always gotta be so smart? It would be _killing me_ to not understand something I had written.”

She smiled and looked down to her hands. “Oh it _was_ before, that’s why I practically ran out of the room. But Jade helped me through it.”

Her friend’s eyes widened in shock. _Well that’s ironic._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading! Come yell at me on tumblr: colleenco :)


	8. 105 cupcakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some NSFW content ahead but don't get TOO excited ;)
> 
> Cat insists on having a girl's night sleepover. what could possibly go g̶a̶y̶ wrong?  
> see also: a look into Jade's family situation.

“Hey! We should have a sleepover tonight, just us girls!”

Cat offered the idea when she and Jade visited Tori by her locker at the end of the school day. Jade was not thrilled at this suggestion, but she restrained from reacting angrily as she normally would. That would give Tori the wrong idea.

Jade wasn’t quite sure how to read Tori’s face, she didn’t seem disinterested, but there appeared to be some sort of catch. “Um, I mean. I would have to ask my mom. She might be okay with it.”

Jade clenched onto her bag. “Cat, maybe Tori should just have some time alone tonight to relax-”

“No, no! I’d be okay not being alone with my thoughts. I’ve had enough alone time for a year in the last two weeks,” Tori laughed as she pulled more books from her locker. She closed it as Jade attempted to spur up another excuse to get out of this anxiety-inducing, yet _incredibly_ tempting situation. The two friends flinched as Tori turned off the lights on her locker.

“What are you doing?!” Cat shrieked.

Tori jumped at her spontaneous outburst. “What?”

“You _never_ turn the lights off on your locker,” Jade explained, matching Cat’s level of concern.

Cat’s hands grabbed Tori’s shoulders as she shook her back and forth. “ _Keep the shine going, Tori!!!”_

Jade’s hand smacked against her forehead as Tori stared back into the most intense pair of brown eyes she’d ever seen. “Okay, okay. I’ll turn it back on,” she mumbled, turning around to press the red button. Cat let out an audible sigh of relief at the illuminated locker door. 

“Alright, I’ve had enough ‘weird’ for today. I gotta get out of here,” Tori held her hands up in the air in surrender as she looked to Jade again.

“We’ll walk you out,” she offered her elbow out to Tori, who hesitantly linked arms with the other.

It was nice having Jade’s arm to hold onto as they walked out of the school. Cat sang nonsense syllables and skipped ahead, and Jade stayed silent as she appreciated the glow of the sun on her skin. Much to Holly’s surprise, Tori was letting Jade hold her like that as they approached her car. Jade let go to let Tori approach her mom with open arms, and watched as Holly squeezed her tight. She wondered what it felt like to be genuinely warm with a parent, what it was like to receive affection from a mother.

“Bye Tori!” Cat called with a saddened voice. “You’re amazing!”

“Bye Cat, you too,” Tori laughed and looked at Jade one last time. She took a deep breath in, trying to find proper words of appreciation until Jade spoke up.

“Let us know about tonight. We’d be over in a heartbeat,” Jade’s voice spoke softly. “See you, Tori.”

The feeling the brunette experienced was closely comparable to being flustered, but in a platonic way, she thought. _God, I already can’t wait to see her again._

Tori sunk into the passenger seat and her mom flooded her with questions. Taking a deep breath, she started with the answer to the first question.

“I’m fine, everything is good. I feel happy.”

“Oh good,” Holly sighed with relief. “And your classmates?”

“A few people said hi and introduced themselves, but mostly everyone was out of my way. It actually was pretty normal, like I didn’t feel overwhelmed with socializing. It was weird to have people staring, though. But I’d rather deal with that than a million introductions in one day.”

“That’s fair. Homework? Assignments? Anything you need help with?”

“Not really.”

Holly rolled her eyes. “You've been back one day and you’re already going to be vague with me?”

“Can Cat and Jade sleepover tonight?” Tori knew the answer would likely be no, but she had confidence in her convincing skills.

“Already?”

“Cat said we need to have a girl’s night so we can all become close again.”

“Do you want to do that?”

Tori laughed. “Of course! Cat’s really sweet and Jade helped me a lot today.”

“That’s new,” Holly mumbled. Tori groaned in frustration at the third person today saying something negative about Jade. “But good, I’m glad she’s turning around.”

“Sooo… that’s a yes?”

“ _Fine._ But you better be quiet and not keep me and your dad up all night.”

Tori frowned, she hadn’t remembered that her mom’s not going to leave them alone for a night should something bad happen. “Oh. Well, we’ll do our best.”

“No, you _will not keep me up_ if you want a sleepover to happen again-”

“Okay, okay! We’ll be quiet. Thank you, mom. It means a lot. They’re so nice and exciting to be around, I don’t know why. It just makes me happy knowing how much they care.”

Holly was still confused about how Jade could have this effect on her, but it was better than the opposite, so she didn’t fight it. “And a happy Tori makes me happy. Do you want anything special for dinner tonight sweetie?”

Tori already had her phone out to text Cat and Jade, and the excitement must have stopped her ears from working. Holly turned quickly to see the smile on Tori’s face as her thumbs typed a message out. Normally, she would be mad, but how could she be in a moment like this? 

“I went sky diving today! I didn’t even have a parachute, I just grew wings and flew right over our neighborhood and landed safely on our driveway.”

No reaction.

“Damn, Tori.”

“What?” She turned to her mom after locking her phone again. After the thought, she realized her mom was in fact talking, but didn’t remember a word she said. “Oh, sorry.”

* * *

Her car was on the driveway.

She never appeared with a warning. Never arrived with an invitation to dinner or a special night together to catch up after multiple week-long trips across the world. Jade parked on the right side of the parked car, knowing her mom would be back out of town any minute, probably.

_Don’t be vulnerable. Don’t break._

There was an almost fully smoked cigarette in the landscape just outside the front door, which was unfortunately typical. Jade picked it up and brought it inside to wrap in a paper towel and put it in a bag before throwing away.

_Tell her how you actually feel, be honest._

The mother’s eyes followed the indifferent daughter. “You’re gonna walk right by while I’m standing right here? Come give me a hug!”

Jade finally turned to look the woman in the eyes. She looked exhausted, sloppy almost, which was unlike her. “Don’t leave cigarettes in the yard, the cats get into them.”

“I told you to stop feeding those street cats,” her voice was sharp as she placed a hand on the counter. They didn’t hug. “What’s your mood?”

_Don’t cry. Don’t be weak._

Jade took a deep breath before speaking. ”Do you even know what happened to my friend?”

Dani scowled. “No, what?”

Jade rolled her eyes and groaned. “This is _exactly_ why I can’t-“ she stopped herself before saying something she would regret. She knew her mom still struggled with the divorce and had trouble staying close to her daughter knowing she couldn’t protect her forever. It wasn’t until recently that Jade had begun holding different expectations for her, and that Jade’s father had consistently convinced Dani that Jade didn’t need parents to smother her. Turns out, she ended up feeling neglected, especially when her mom got her new job and began traveling across seas. 

“You didn’t even see the news? _Hollywood_ _Arts Teen Survives Fatal Car Crash’?”_

“I didn’t. Who was it?”

“Tori,” Jade’s voice cracked as the name tumbled from her lips. “I didn’t even talk to dad about it, he wouldn’t be any help. He is so fucking cold and wouldn’t react to something I was upset over, he never has. I was hoping you might have at least _heard-“_

“I’m really sorry, Jade. I had so many events to schedule and deadlines and no downtime practically-“

“Yeah, your downtime is the bar and the parties, but that's part of your job’ too. You don’t need to remind me,” Jade’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. 

“If I had known I would’ve tried to come home sooner.”

“You can return calls, you know. I understand missing calls, but you could try _calling me back_ sometimes?”

“Jade, I’m so, so sorry,” Dani took a minute to let the two of them take a breath. Jade stood shaking while holding back tears. The anger across her face was obvious, but no matter how angry or upset she’d be, there’s always an excuse from her mom.

“I didn’t even know I was coming back today until this morning. I thought you were going to be with your dad this weekend, so I didn’t reach out. Why are _you_ here?”

Jade turned away from her mom’s blank stare. “I’m just grabbing some clothes for a sleepover tonight. I didn’t want to see him as long as I had an excuse to not be home tonight, so I just came here instead.”

She couldn’t stand looking at her mother. It was like looking in a mirror. It was like watching herself ask, “You’re leaving me again?”

“If you want to spend time with me, mom, please give me a warning before you show up. I’m sorry, but I’ve got plans tonight,” Jade confirmed with a hushed tone before brushing by her mom in an attempt to leave the conversation.

“Wait, how’s your friend?” Dani always wished Tori would pull Jade in a new direction, and she definitely did slowly over time. Just maybe not in the way a mother would expect.

She watched as Jade turned around, bouncing a bit on her feet with nervous energy. “She’s better now. But… she’s forgotten the last few years of her life.”

“Oh my _God,_ what a young age to experience such a thing… not that it’s ever good you know, but fuck,” the mother reached out to hold Jade’s arm. “How’s this on you?”

“Awful,” Jade admitted. “But, you know, the good news is I can prove I’m a different person to her than before… I’m not being mean like I first was.”

Dani scowled. “What do you mean? You were mean to her?”

“Of course I was,” Jade laughed and licked her lips. “Kissing my boyfriend was a ballsy move for her. I was pissed.”

“Ahh, guess I forgot about that. Well is she still going to school?”

“Yup. Just came back today. She was out for two weeks.”

Her mom had let go of the other’s arm. “I’m glad you’re spending time with her tonight, then. She’ll be okay, she has lots of support, I’m sure. Could have been a lot worse of an outcome-”

“Don’t even go there,” Jade snapped. Her posture faltered, her hands coming up to her face to poorly hide herself crying.

Finally, Dani wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her tight, the tightest she had in a long time. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

“For how long?” Jade asked between sniffling, feeling incredibly awkward at how warm this moment was, and how unexpectedly okay she was with it.

“Two weeks. You can catch me up on everything and I will give you my undivided attention, I promise.”

Jade groaned and let go of her mom. “You’ve made promises before-”

 _“I promise,”_ she repeated, taking Jade’s hands into her own. Dani felt like shit at the realization that it took Jade having a close friend getting into an accident to make her remember how fragile life is, how someone’s life could be gone in a flash, how Jade was suffering and felt alone. Jade had been painfully independent, and Dani got used to that. It felt natural, given how busy she was with her work, and how Jade spent every minute with Beck when they were dating. 

_I should have kept you close all this time,_ they both thought.

* * *

Cat arrived first with giant grocery bags. “Can you help me?”

“Uhh, yeah which one is lighter?”

“This one,” Cat held out a hand holding a bag containing chips, popcorn, and candy. Tori walked briskly to the kitchen and marveled at all of the goodies Cat had brought, completely forgetting the grunting girl that followed. She clumsily managed to throw the heavy bag on top of the table and let out a large aggravated groan.

Tori smiled at her innocently. “Heavy?”

“Yes!”

“What’s so heavy, what do you have?”

Cat scowled and pulled out box after box of cake mix, container after container of frosting, cup after cup of sprinkles. Tori was overwhelmed and had to stop her Mary Poppins-looking friend with a never-ending grocery bag. “Cat, Cat, Cat, why so much stuff?!”

The redhead giggled and twirled in her short dress. “Cupcakes!”

Tori wished that was a sufficient answer to why she had _this_ many materials. “I see that, but why so many boxes and things?”

“Because we have been friends for 105 weeks!”

“I’m really not catching on here,” Tori interrupted, losing her patience, mostly because she had no clue how she was supposed to respond to Cat’s spontaneous antics.

Cat couldn’t stop her giggly excitement. “Okay, I was going to wait until Jade gets here, but-“

Just then, the door opened without a doorbell sound or knocking. Speaking of the alleged devil, Jade struts in with another cute and grungy outfit. She tossed her bag onto the couch and smirked in that way that made Tori incredibly nervous. “I see Betty Crocker has arrived.”

Cat struck a pose as she squealed, grinning at Tori whose confusion continued.

“Yeah, I’m going to ask _again_ why so much?"

Jade gasped. “You haven’t told her?”

“No, I was going to wait for you!” Cat’s eyes glimmered as she twirled the ends of her hair with her fingers.

“Still confused,” Tori whispered, raising her hand up in the air. Jade smiled and looked to the floor, knowing what kind of scene Cat was about to make with this. 

“I have made you eat 105 of my cupcakes the whole time we have been friends. Every week I make a batch and give them to all my friends at school, so everyone gets one cupcake from me every week.” Cat explained rather calmly, then her energy shifted unexpectedly again. “But I don’t want you to miss out on how good they all were so we’re going to make you 105 more cupcakes _tonight!”_ The excitement in her voice made Tori laugh by default, and regret that she would probably crush Cat’s heart with her response.

“Cat, that’s so sweet, I could cry-“ Tori’s voice stopped as Cat slammed into her with another hug. Jade locked eyes with the brunette as Tori’s head looked in her direction over Cat’s shoulder. The dark-haired girl gave a slight nod, encouraging the necessary yet uncomfortable comment that was needed at this moment. Tori broke the hug carefully and held Cat’s shoulders with her hands. “But we can’t possibly make that many in one night. Even if we did, I can’t eat 105 cupcakes by myself before they all spoil.”

She watched the happiness melt off the redhead’s face and instantly regretted it. “Well shoot! What do we do?!”

Jade stepped in to assist in the letdown of plans. “We make a batch tonight, and one more batch next weekend, and another batch the next weekend, and another batch the ne-“

“That would _still_ be a looot of cupcakes for me to eat,” Tori mumbled, wondering what she had gotten herself into. So far, it seemed people were extremely careful around Cat and her emotions. Tori didn’t want to be hurting them already.

“Well, how many are in a batch?” Jade spoke softly, her hand pressing against Cat’s back, encouraging her to go read the back of the box.

After a few seconds of silence, Cat spoke softly. “Twenty-four.”

Jade eyed Tori, who was growing more and more hesitant. “Well, if we do half a batch a week, it’ll only take us a few weeks?”

“What if we did mini cupcakes instead, Cat? You love fun-sized food!” Jade spoke up, Tori glanced back at her, feeling her heart glow in her chest at Jade’s mutual desire to come up with a solution that didn’t reject Cat’s intention.

“Those will be so cute!”

“Won’t we have like, _way_ too many boxes left over though for that?” Tori remained on her toes, asking Jade more than Cat.

Light blue eyes found Cat’s. “You can keep those for the next weeks to come. She’s still going to make a batch of regular cupcakes every week for her friends at school, right Cat?”

“Yeah, so it’s all good again!” Cat twirled around in her dress and Tori was staring at the length again. Her friend’s legs were so smooth, toned, sunkissed… _stop, you creep._

David emerged from the stairwell and greeted Jade and Cat. “Nice to have you girls around again. Oh God, what’s all this?”

“We’re making mini cupcakes and we are going to keep the kitchen spotless,” Tori took responsibility cautiously. “Any chance we have any of those itty bitty baking cups?”

“Actually, we do!” He moved quickly toward the cabinet near the stove. Jade raised her eyebrows at the man who excitedly found a large container of them.

Tori raised her eyebrows. “Um. Why so many?”

“You know, for chocolate covered fruit at parties. Your mom’s always making stuff like that.”

Jade noticed Tori’s smile disappear from her face. A simple thing, a few events that have happened recently, that she doesn’t remember. And it still hurt her this much.

“Oh, must be a new thing for her,” Tori mumbled to herself, turning back to the baking supplies. “Alright, are we gonna do this now, or should we feast for dinner first?”

“Dinner,” Jade blurted in. “I’m not making cupcakes while hangry.”

“Fair point. What are we having?” Cat asked.

“Oh, I’ve had pizza staying warm in the oven, it came early before you guys got here.”

Tori retrieved the pizza, and Jade couldn't stop herself from staring at her ass while she was bending over. She smiled to herself and turned away once her friend turned to place it on the counter. Jade didn’t need to be asked to grab plates, she just did it. Before she even thought to ask, Tori noticed the other reaching for them, and returned the favor of ass staring. Not as much of a favor as it was a blessing, though.

An awkward silence fell over the room once the girls were seated with pizza on the couch. Cat sat next to Jade on one couch, Tori alone on the other. She wished she could be next to Jade, but she didn’t want to be seen as clingy. 

“Alright, Tori. Dad and I are going right across the street for some dinner-“

“And wine,” David added with a smile as he grabbed his keys off the table.

Tori turned around and smiled. “You’re trusting these two with me? Alone?”

Holly glared at her husband. “Yes, and I’m _definitely_ going to enjoy myself and not worry at all while we’re gone,” she winced, conveying pure sarcasm and dread.

He laughed and wrapped his arm around his daughter. “You have our number. We’ll be back later.”

Jade watched as Tori’s smile grew bigger with each step her parents took closer to the door.

“I’ll be okay. Go have fun!”

Holly still looked worried and upset, but shot a smile to Tori before leaving. “You too. See you later.”

The door closed, and Cat jumped out of her chair. “YAY! Let’s paaartaaayyy!”

“Cat,” Jade huffed. “They’ll hear you through the door!”

“Please don’t ruin the house!” David called back from the other side of the door, definitely having heard the outburst. 

“Or my daughter!” Holly shouted after him, panic ringing clear in her voice. Cat’s eyes grew wide as she plopped onto her seat again. The two friends looked at Tori worriedly.

“She’ll be fine,” Tori waved her hand dismissively. “Sooo, what should we do? We could play truth or-”

“No,” Jade hissed. She flashed back to the weekend in the woods, the truth or dare game they played on their hike. _Not again._ “Please no-“

“Jade really hates that game,” Cat whispered.

Tori looked down. “I see that.” A sudden thought popped in her brain then. “You guys sing, too, right?” Tori was excited to see both, but especially excited at the idea of Jade putting on a show. “You should do some karaoke!”

“Oh my God, yes! I’d do that!”

“I mean, sure.”

Cat had already jumped up to reach for her laptop in her bag.

“I wish we could go to Karaoke Dokie, but we can go there some other time,” the redhead sighed as she pulled up YouTube. A devious smile appeared on her face in a few seconds. “Jade, can we do _the one?”_

The fair-skinned girl smirked and fixed her posture. “Well of _course,_ babygirl,” she purred in response as she stood from the couch.

Tori’s mouth went dry at Jade’s words spoken in a husky tone that she hadn’t heard yet. Or maybe her mind was just still in the gutter.

“Okay, okay, here we go,” Cat’s words quickly spilled out of her mouth in excitement. Tori felt awkward just sitting and watching, but at the same time didn’t care because she was about to be stunned at the first few words Jade sings.

Brown eyes instantly found Jade’s hips as they swayed a bit before she began singing, as Jade held a water bottle imitating a microphone. Cat was holding one too, almost like this was a normal occurrence to practice this way. It made sense for their experience with performing, Tori assumed.

_“Someday I’ll let you in, treat you right, drive you out of your mind…”_

Her tone, her power, her face, her body, all were attacking Tori simultaneously, and she definitely was _not_ prepared for something like this. Then Cat’s voice came in, equally strong but a much different tone to it. It had a similar effect on the brunette, making her cross her legs and fix her posture as she reminded herself to breathe. She couldn’t help the fact that her mouth was hanging open, and Cat giggled once her eyes met Tori’s and noticed her surprised face.

Tori wished Jade was making eye contact with her like Cat was, but the blue-eyed girl’s attention was entirely on her partner. Soon, they were interacting more directly with each other, leaning in close toward each other and teasing one another with undeniably flirty glances, body language, hands reaching toward each other. _Why is this making me feel… dirty?_

It was hard for Tori to make out all the words being sung, as she was heavily distracted by several other things at the moment, but something about “whip you into shape” made another rush of warmth cover her from head to toe. Their hips were moving together, and they were _incredibly_ close, like they _wanted_ to be. Tori felt like this was a moment she perhaps shouldn’t be ruining by just watching, but she certainly wasn’t going to look away.

_“That’s a game that we’ll play at the end of the night, it’s the same old story but you never get it right, give it up..”_

_I want to be in Cat’s shoes. I want Jade to look at me like that. I want to look at Jade like that. I want to be that close to her, I want to feel her eyes on me, I want to feel connected with her like that… hell, I’d want to be in Jade’s shoes too._

Tori of course couldn’t pinpoint the correct cause of her extreme feelings, so she brushed it off as a ‘Wow, I’ve seen celebrities perform like this but my two friends in my apartment casually performing like this just out of the blue? This is so cool and unexpected’ type of thing. She’d seen plenty of sexually charged performances before, and a good handful of those were between women. She can’t help it if something is just… sexy, right? Anyone would have this same reaction. The thought alone was startling to Tori, considering what she had been through recently and how little she remembers of what probably would have been an extremely important period of growth and development in this department. She figured everything must be feeling so much more intense now because it’s like the first time all over again; she never really got to this point with Danny, but she figured it probably happened after him with someone. She just wouldn’t remember who.

A strong riff from Cat brought Tori back to reality, and Jade and Cat faced Tori suddenly in time with the music at the clear start of a new section in the song.

_“Come a little closer, come a little closer baby, baby…”_

They clearly had a full-blown planned out choreography for this, but left room to improvise and be suggestive toward each other, but the way that Jade looked like she could devour Cat… Tori suddenly understood a bit more to the “dark” side to Jade that so many people had mentioned or implied in conversation. _They’re both so fucking hot._

There was a moment where their voices slid upward together in their singing, and Tori felt her upper body involuntarily shift upward as she had to shift her leg position yet again. 

_Wait, if this is just a performance in your living room, imagine what they’d look like in a more performance friendly outfit, on stage, lots of colorful and flashing lights, oh my God…_

By the last chorus, Cat was borderline grinding her ass into Jade, who was running a finger down her back slowly and soon smacked Cat’s ass, _hard._ The redhead squealed and turned back around to face Jade with a devious smile. Their faces were close together again, and by this point, Tori was panicking trying to figure out a way to react afterward that wasn’t utterly obvious of her arousal.

It ended with another moment of their voices sliding upward together, longer and more drawn out. The two girls finally ripped their water bottle microphones away from their faces as their singing ceased. Tori watched as the two broke apart breathless and giggly. It was clear they had really gotten into the moment, like nothing else in the world was happening or mattered at all at that moment. Tori wished she would someday be able to perform like that, like nothing else was on her mind.

“Jade, that really hurt-” Cat whined, still giggling. 

“Want me to kiss it better?”

Tori’s mouth fell open again. She was speechless and didn’t realize these two were so… comfortable with each other in _that_ way.

“No!” The redhead squealed.

“Aww,” Jade frowned, and smirked at the other. She finally turned to Tori, pleased to see a very surprised yet satisfied expression on her friend’s face.

Tori awkwardly slow-clapped once both girls were finally coming down from their moment and looked toward her. “I’m speechless, truly. I-I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling-”

Jade loved that specific word choice, _feeling_. She crossed her arms and tried to hide her smirk while glancing at her feet.

Cat squealed and jumped toward Tori. “You gotta do one now!"

Jade would have interjected, but something in her was incredibly curious as to how Tori would sound singing at this point. Of course, she wasn’t going to pry. But when Tori resembled a deer in headlights, Jade gave a soft and encouraging smile.

How could Tori say no when Jade is glancing at her with such warmth and excitement in her eyes? “Ummm… okay. I don’t um, usually do stuff like this-”

“Do you sing in the shower?” Cat asked innocently. Jade twinged, worrying this would cause a problem or push Tori away.

Tori’s lips pulled down into a frown as she shrugged. “I mean, yeah.”

“Tori, I’m not going to make you, but I think Cat, and I would both be so happy to hear your voice again. We don’t care if it’s like how you ‘used’ to sound or anything, we just want to hear… _you,_ ” Jade explained while her hands fumbled over themselves.

 _How can someone like Jade go from incredibly sexy one moment to sweet and sensitive the next?_ It was hypnotizing, and of course, Tori would agree and quietly search for song ideas on the laptop next.

Jade waited in anticipation and took note of Tori’s chest rising and falling rapidly. Her face was slightly flushed, too. She had hardly looked in Jade’s direction after the song was finished. _Maybe we scared her off with our playing around..._

“Um… I guess I’ll do this one,” Tori said as she clicked on the video. A familiar and bittersweet guitar track began, and Jade’s heart instantly sank to the floor. _Not this song, you emotional sadist._

Tori had been sitting on the couch, but suddenly looked up at Jade with panic. “Should I be like, standing or-”

“Whatever you want,” Jade replied softly. Tori stood up slowly, thinking of where else she could be in the room that might ease her nerves. She decided the piano bench would be a good spot, so she could look out the window if she got in her head about it. Cat watched fondly as Tori made her way back, carrying the laptop with her as she walked. Jade’s foot began tapping rapidly against the floor.

_“When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind…”_

Her voice was so shy, but not a fraction less beautiful. Just incredibly different, which was probably mostly nerves. Anyone could see from a mile away that Tori had natural talent, like she had always just been able to sing beautifully. Jade hadn’t realized until now that another huge part of a singer’s development is just becoming comfortable in their craft. 

Cat glanced at Jade with her big puppy-dog eyes, and Jade could tell she was going to cry. Jade would have too, but instead, she moved over next to the redhead on the couch and brushed her arm comfortingly. Tori continued to keep her eyes off of her friends, and as she sang the chorus she herself began to feel emotional. She could feel that the mood in the room had completely flipped upside down. Once she finished the first chorus, she finally looked up to the two girls who were looking at her like she was the most precious person in their lives. It was overwhelming how often and how intensely Jade and Cat demonstrated a love for Tori, and they couldn’t stand to be anywhere but her side. Cat motioned Tori to come to the couch as she scooched over to make a spot for the brunette. Tori took the hint and began singing again as she walked.

_“Maybe I know, somewhere, Deep in my soul, that love never lasts…”_

Jade was resisting the urge to sing along, as this has been one of her favorite songs since the 9th grade, but she wouldn’t dare interrupt Tori’s comforting voice against her eardrums. She felt like she was glowing once Tori was sitting right next to her. Cat leaned her head on Tori’s shoulder, but Jade couldn’t bring herself to make any physical contact.

_“And I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance…”_

Cat breathed in the familiar scent of Tori’s hair and sighed with relief. Just being there with her and quietly listening to her sing after what must have been such a horrifying few weeks for her made tears stream down Cat’s face. Jade closed her eyes and pictured how Tori would carry herself singing this song a few weeks ago. Paramore had never crossed Jade’s mind as a band that would be compatible with Tori’s voice, but damn she wished it had. Especially a softer song like this one. Jade had a passing thought of wishing this was recorded so she could listen to it before going to sleep every night, causing her to slightly shake her head to push it away. _That’s way too fucking gay, gross._

Cat’s voice joined in with Tori’s on the second chorus, _“You are the only exception, you are the only exception…”_ The harmony threw Tori off, but it helped to lock eyes with Cat to understand how to keep carrying the melody. Now Tori herself was feeling emotional; Jade and Cat very clearly approved of her singing, and with how amazing they both are, Tori was beginning to feel a little confidence.

Once the bridge began, Cat jumped up from the couch. “Tori! Ahhhhh!!” She crashed into the brunette with a hug, and Tori finally felt a tear fall from her eye as she laughed. She hugged Cat tightly, thankful that she was so full of love and praise and how truly comforting it was. 

Jade stood second and held Tori’s arm lightly once their eyes met. “I hope you know how beautiful your voice is.”

 _What the fuck. Why do I deserve this?_ Tears kept falling from Tori’s eyes as she laughed. She wasn’t sure what was more overwhelming, the love her friends had for her, or the fact that she was discovering such an integral part of herself that had significantly shaped all of the time in her life she had forgotten.

Soon, the girls were all scream-singing the bridge to the iconic Paramore song, dramatically making cheesy gestures toward each other. Tori was surprised at her own projection while singing. She thought back to an oddly specific memory of sitting in the chair at the orthodontist while they were tightening her braces, and this song was playing. It was an uncomfortable moment, for some reason every single song played at the orthodontist while people rip your teeth apart seemed unpleasant. It was funny now, because she never would have imagined it providing such a fulfilling moment in her life at this point.

* * *

“Did you remember to put the eggs in this time?” Jade raised a brow at Cat who was holding the mixing pot.

 _“Yes_ _,_ I’ll never forget again,” she laughed as she attached the bowl of the mixer. Jade saw out of the corner of her eyes that the mixer was full almost to the top with the ingredients. Before she could manage to say anything, Cat’s hand was on the speed lever. It was unknown if she didn’t realize how powerful a mixer could get on the highest setting, or if her hand innocently slipped and pushed the lever to full speed, but all three girls would suffer the consequence. There was brown batter everywhere, and Jade was the one who fumbled underneath the counter to unplug the mixer and stop the flying mess of cupcake batter from painting the entire kitchen in brown.

Tori had squeezed her eyes shut as it had splattered in her face, but once all was silent again, she wiped her eyes with her hands and opened them cautiously.

Jade and Cat were worse off than she was, sticky batter staining their hair and clothes. “Don’t freak out-” Tori began.

“I’m freaking out!!! I’m so sorry, I don’t know how that happened, I… I-”

“Cat, _why_ did you have so much batter in the bowl?” Jade’s voice strained.

She threw her hands in the air. “You said four boxes!”

_“I said four cups!”_

Cat looked as though she was going to burst out sobbing when Tori began laughing the first authentic laugh Jade had heard from her since the accident. The other two were stunned, expecting Tori to be upset, angry, resentful. “Guys, let’s just clean it up. Don’t worry about it.”

Tori reached for the drawer full of dish towels and began running some under hot water at the sink. She took the first towel to wipe off her batter-coated face, rinsed the towel again, and soaked the other two. Jade and Cat bickered while whispering, but Tori just wanted this to remain a fun night. Stuff like this was bound to happen, Lord knows she’s caused her own share of kitchen disasters.

“Seriously, just drop it. We’ll clean up the kitchen, and you can use the shower. Let’s just do it quickly in case they randomly pop back in,” Tori spoke in a calm tone as she handed a towel to Cat. 

As she walked over to Jade, she watched as the dark-haired girl licked the batter clean off her middle finger, similar to the way those women on TV over sensualize a chocolate advertisement. Tori’s breath hitched as Jade’s piercing eyes met her own, her finger still sliding out of her mouth.

Jade’s lips turned into a sly smile. “Sorry, it just tastes _reeeally_ good.”

Tori quickly handed her the towel and turned away again quickly. _Why are you so fucking disgusting, Tori? Not everything is sexual all of the time. Jesus, you really are basically mentally stuck in middle school, huh?_

“I’m so sorry, Tori,” Cat whimpered, creeping up by her side.

“You wanted to do something nice for me, and accidents happen. Nothing to be sorry about, I promise,” Tori whispered, wrapping her arm around Cat. “Go clean the counter off, Jade and I will wipe off the cabinets.”

“Kay kay,” she sighed and did as she was told. 

Jade was going to shower in the same shower that Tori uses? Cue panic. “Holly will rip us apart if she finds any trace of chocolate, Cat.”

“No she won’t,” Tori sighed, looking to Jade with a scowl. “She’s too worried about me to pay attention to detail like that anyway.”

 _Whoops. Now I feel like an asshole,_ Jade thought. She quietly wiped off the cabinets and felt Tori’s glance from across the room. _Is she looking at me again?_

She hid it a bit better this time, Tori’s face turned just as Jade began to move in a different direction. It still wasn’t enough to fool Jade, though. 

The three girls managed to clean up the mess in under ten minutes, then Tori allowed Cat to take her shower first so she could wash her overwhelming guilt away. Tori also thought it would be a good idea, so she could have a moment alone with Jade.

“I should have almost expected this to happen, shouldn’t I have?”

Jade smiled warmly as she wrung out her towel in the sink. “I feel mean saying yes, but yes.”

Tori laughed softly and leaned her lower back against the counter next to Jade. “It’s okay. I feel worse for her than anything else. _D_ _amn_ she’s good at tugging at your heartstrings.”

“Oh, I only know,” Jade replied softly before walking to the kitchen table to grab the tray that Tori had placed mini baking cups on before the batter explosion. She brought the tray next to the mixer and took a glance into the bowl, moving a spoon around throughout to mix it carefully.

“Can you grab me a spoon?” Jade asked. Tori nodded, smiling at the fact that Jade was still determined to complete this task that was important to Cat. She watched as Jade filled each baking cup with batter, precision and care in every movement she made. Tori wanted to talk but didn’t know what to say. Jade wanted Tori to help her, but didn’t want to be even more suggestive than she had been so far the entire night. It was in Jade’s nature to be a bit mischievous and suggestive for humor, but she was unsure yet if Tori was comfortable or not with it.

“So um… do you really mean what you said? About my voice?”

Jade sighed as her heart began racing. She was beginning to get used to the way her heart beats like a hammer at most of the things Tori said. “Of course. Sorry Cat and I got all emotional, it probably felt really weird.”

“No,” Tori shook her head. “It was really nice. You both make me feel really special. I didn’t know this feeling existed, I had never experienced it before.”

Jade was probably blushing, she felt the warmth flood to her cheeks and tried to hide any indication by tilting her head down so her long hair would cover any evidence. “Well, I’m glad you are now.”

Things were quiet again. By the time Jade had filled all the baking cups and put them in the oven, Cat was showered and changed and came back into the kitchen.

“Why don’t you go shower? I can wait.”

Tori raised her eyebrow at Jade, instantly nervous at why she was stalling when clearly Jade’s hair was worse off than her own at the moment. “No, go ahead, really.”

Jade held a stare with Tori for a moment. She needed to talk to Cat so her anxiety didn’t cause her to explode, so she did a quick look over to Cat, back to Tori, giving the brunette a hint.

“No really, I can help Cat with the cupcakes we’re making _for you,_ go ahead,” Jade laughed softly, turning away from Tori to end the conversation.

The second Tori was up the stairs and Jade heard the bathroom door close, she threw her hands in the air at Cat. “She thinks we’re freaks!”

“No, she doesn’t,” Cat said softly. “Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know, I just feel it. I feel bad, like I did something wrong, like I shouldn’t have you know, messed around with you a bit when we were singing and-”

“Wait, this isn’t about the booty smacking is it?” Cat began smiling, knowing herself that even that was a step beyond Jade’s usual limits.

Jade stammered. “I-I mean, kinda! What if she like… _got the wrong idea?_ She keeps looking at us like…”

Cat took a minute to realize what Jade was implying. “ _Oh,_ I get it. So, does she think that we’re like, together?”

“No, probably not,” Jade sighed, suddenly realizing if anything, Tori probably already knows Jade’s very obvious feelings toward her. Feelings she wasn’t ready to tell Cat about yet, but _fuck_ it was so hard not to blow her cover right now.

“What do you mean? You just said that-”

“Just forget it. Let’s just... not do stuff like _that_ anymore,” Jade said sternly, placing her palm on the counter and leaning into it.

Cat moved over to her friend. “But it’s fun, Jade. We’ve always done that. Do you _really_ think she’d be so bothered by a playful booty smack? She kissed your boyfriend on her first day at Hollywood Arts, I don’t think she’s as much of a 'goody two shoes' as you once thought she is.”

 _She has a point,_ Jade thought. “I just don’t want to like, be too weird or over-friendly or overstep any boundaries. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t.”

“I get it,” Cat whispered, brushing her hand up and down Jade’s arm. “She really likes us. If we get to be too much for her, she’ll tell us. But don’t take it personally, she’s going through a lot right now that we don’t understand.”

Jade nodded slowly and rested her head on the top of Cat’s as she leaned into her. “Come on, we still need to frost the cupcakes.”

* * *

Tori was exhausted by the end of the night. Endless stories, tons of Youtube and phone videos of performances at Hollywood Arts, Tori mostly listened, didn’t have a lot to say. It wasn’t getting old listening to all of these stories, yet. She longed for the day she could feel like she had returned to a state of things happening and being reflected on in real time. But then again, that would probably mean some drama and or conflict. She just wanted _something_ to be different, to make a memory right now, just _one time_ make a _new_ memory. 

Maybe that starts tonight; this entire night would _definitely_ be a great memory. 

Jade was fine sleeping on the edge of the bed. It meant Cat was in the middle, and Tori was as far away from her as possible. Jade would rather sleep on the floor than this arrangement, but this was all part of Cat’s “plan” of becoming best friends again. All she could think about was how if Cat knew how Jade felt about Tori, she probably wouldn’t have insisted on this arrangement. 

The biggest problem at the moment, however, was how Cat had been talking in her sleep for almost fifteen minutes now. Jade’s eyes had been glued to the ceiling fan while Cat went on and on about a babysitting schedule. None of the ramblings made sense, and Jade couldn’t care less about whatever she was going on about, _she needed to sleep_. 

Finally deciding she couldn’t take this anymore, she carefully got out of bed without disturbing her friends and tiptoed out of Tori’s room. It was an alienating feeling seeing the Vega house with all of the lights off. She felt like an intruder, creeping past her parent’s bedroom with her heart in her throat, terrified she’d wake them up and they would accuse her of doing something wrong. Jade had been known to steal items from Tori’s room in the past, and she didn’t need to get on their bad side now, she _just_ finally got to their good side.

Without any conflict, she finally rested on a couch in the living room and stared at this new ceiling fan. Sure, she _could_ fall asleep much easier now, but the voices in her head were just as, if not, louder than Cat’s sleep talking.

_You are the only exception_

_You are the only exception_

Jade hadn’t even realized she was humming when she heard footsteps approaching from the stairwell. She clenched a pillow to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut, petrified it would be Holly or David coming to yell at her and kick her out.

“What are you doing?” A voice whispered. To Jade’s relief, it was Tori’s. She lifted her head to look at Tori over the back of the couch.

“Ugh, thank God it’s just you. You didn’t hear Cat talking in her sleep?”

Tori scowled and folded her arms. “No, why? Was she?”

“She wouldn’t stop rambling about her babysitting schedule.”

“Ah, I see,” Tori yawned and stretched her arms above her head. She wore pajama shorts, _short_ pajama shorts, and a T-shirt that revealed her toned stomach when she stretched. This wasn’t a sight Jade was ready to see in such dim lighting. She turned her shoulder away from Tori as the brunette sat down on the other couch. 

“You’re just gonna sleep out here, alone?” Tori asked with a saddened tone.

“I gotta fall asleep somehow. It’s really okay, don’t worry.”

Another pair of footsteps sounded from the stairwell. They were slow, soft, not urgent like an angry parent’s footsteps would be.

“We need to… reschedule… I can’t that day… I already told you!...”

Jade’s head fell to her palm in frustration. Jade knew Cat was already prone to sleep talking, but sleepwalking too?

“Well this isn’t horrifying,” Tori grimaced. She watched Jade stand from the couch and carefully walk over to Cat, who was about to come down the last few steps. She gently took Cat’s arm and guided her down, attempting to converse with her.

“Okay, how about tomorrow at six?” Jade smirked, looking over to Tori who was holding a hand over her mouth to suppress laughter.

Cat suddenly smiled. “Okay!... Schedule… Where’s my schedule…”

“Smith twins, Saturday at six. All done!” 

The redhead sighed a long sigh, dramatic and downright hilarious. She didn’t have anything else to say as Jade brought her close to the couch.

“Aren’t you tired? It’s almost time for bed,” Jade asked softly, rubbing Cat’s arm a bit.

This was the weirdest thing Tori had ever seen at a sleepover, which is saying something considering who her best friends were in middle school, but she was undoubtedly fascinated at Jade’s handling of the situation. 

“Oh, you’re right… golly…” Cat sighed, finally yawning and awkwardly falling to the couch as Jade guided her.

“Nighty night.”

“Nighty night,” Cat echoed as Jade placed a soft blanket over her. She turned back to Tori with a smile. “Hopefully this lasts.”

“I feel bad just leaving her down here though-”

“Shhh. She’ll find her way back if she wakes up. Let’s go,” Jade tilted her head toward the stairs and made her way over.

While Jade had been nervous all night about what ideas Tori had developed of her so far, Tori was horrified wondering if Jade had picked up on all of her awkwardness and knew what it meant. She wished she knew what she looked like during the karaoke performance, she couldn’t get that breathy sound she made at Jade licking batter off her fingers. Jade seemed especially quiet after Tori had showered, and she was afraid it meant something bad. But now, Jade just invited her to sleep in her bed… with her? Not _with_ her but… next to her. _Fuck._

On opposite sides of the bed, the two girls awkwardly made eye contact before moving. Jade swore Tori had already been staring for a while as she combed through her hair with her fingers. Jade finally caved, lifting the comforter to climb in and get situated. Tori didn’t move.

“Are you an under-the-sheets or just a comforter kind of gal?” Jade looked to Tori with a smirk.

The brunette gulped. “Um. I don’t care. Usually just the comforter.”

“Sheets are a waste of time,” Jade agreed, immediately turning to her side away from Tori. _God, she must hate me or be scared or uncomfortable with me or something. She can’t even get in the same bed as me._

Finally, the comforter rustled as Tori slowly slid underneath. _Do friends say goodnight to each other? God why am I so obsessed with her, I hardly even know her._

“Hey, Jade?”

“Hmmm?”

Tori knew she was going to regret this question as soon as it came out of her mouth. “Are you mad at me?”

Jade turned to face Tori’s direction, preparing herself for the sight she was about to see: Tori laying down next to her in bed. She was dreading it, but mostly she had been dreaming about this for over a year. “Absolutely not, why do you think that?”

Tori could tell Jade had turned toward her, so she had to do the same. Jade’s eyes were always hypnotizing, but this low lighting somehow made them look even brighter. Her soft wavy hair framed her stunning face, Tori couldn’t help but admire this view. “I dunno, you just seemed quiet after the kitchen thing.”

She couldn’t read the expression on Jade’s face after that, but she slightly shook her head. “I thought _you_ were mad at _me.”_

The brunette giggled and buried her face in her pillow, it was cute enough to make Jade want to throw up. “No, why did you think that?”

Jade rolled her eyes and bit her lip. “I don’t know… The whole thing with Cat and I singing together, I thought I scared you off.”

“Oh _no,_ definitely not,” Tori exhaled. “It was funny, it didn’t bother me at all though.”

“Okay, good. That’s why I was quiet, I thought I crossed a line and made you uncomfortable.”

 _Hell, I wanted to be Cat at that moment._ “Nope, don’t worry.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Tori.” Upon second thought, Jade wished she hadn’t said ‘goodnight,’ but at least hearing it back would relieve her tension.

Instant shivers down her spine while Jade turned to the other side of the bed. “Goodnight, Jade.”

_Why does this keep happening? Why does she make me so nervous? She’s incredible._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading!


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